The girl is like the boy: A slogan often raised but not applied - II

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

The result is divorce

A.S., a 25 year-old woman who was divorced two years ago, says, “One of the main reasons behind my divorce was my husband’s inability to depend on himself for anything. He would refer to his mother in every single issue in our life to know how to handle it. The parents’ continuous interference brings problems that the house cannot bear.”

 

Ideal examples

 

However, there are ideal examples of husbands who help their wives with the housework and children who are taught to participate in all the chores. For example, there is a family where a mother of four, all sons, works until late. She has taught all of them to do a certain task inside the house: one cleans the house, another prepares the food and another washes the dishes, such that they all finish the housework by the time she arrives home. Despite this, these youth are successful in their work and studies. How rare are families like this one in society!

 

A doubled responsibility

 

Dr. Nasr Ad-Deen Shihaab, professor of Special Education at Helwan University, says: To bring the children up to bear responsibility and to depend on themselves, is dependant on several factors. The responsibility of upbringing is not shouldered by the family alone; rather, there is a type of challenge and participation in the process of upbringing on the part of the school, faculty, or institute or education, and also the media plays a role in this process. From all these institutions, the children acquire attitudes, whether they are good or bad. Consequently, the responsibility of the family is doubled for it is no longer the only factor that influences the children. The parents’ mission has become greater. Hence, considerable care should be given to the children from their birth and the parents should pay great attention to their growth as well as the characteristics of each stage of their life. It is easy to talk about this; however, applying it is difficult because when we allow our children to have some independence, there is usually confusion between freedom and immorality. Freedom means to be independent but still restricted by certain regulations; on the contrary, immorality has no restrictions. Freedom means preserving the components of something to perform its functions away from any pressure; however, immorality means dissociation and disintegration.

 

A philosophy of upbringing

 

Imaam ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, put forward a philosophy of upbringing that is considered a very profound and wide-ranging educational system. It depends on dividing the stages of the lives of children into three stages, and each stage has its own characteristics and ways of dealing with it. ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, said: “Play with your child for seven years, then discipline him for seven years, then be his friend for seven years, then give him free rein.” During his formative years, the child must feel all the meanings of goodness in order to be a positive member of the society, form a correct idea about the world around him and have no fear when dealing with others. Then, the next stage in the child’s life depends on his upbringing in terms of reward and punishment. The punishment should be clear if the child makes a mistake. Moreover, the parents should bring their child up on carrying responsibility for his actions. All this turns into an attitude that becomes part of his character. This education, way of time management, independence and participating with others in good works will be inculcated in him.

 

Intellectual nature

 

Dr. Nasr adds: Then, we move to the next stage, which is the stage of youth, ripeness and understanding of life’s affairs. We need to guide the child during this stage to have a sincere intention in all his acts and behave correctly. In this stage, talking with him should be done in an intellectual way. This stage is based on discipline, for the child learns here how to honor and respect elders. We should also entrust him with tasks pointing out to him the reward if he accomplishes them and the punishment if he proves to be negligent. In this way, he moves from the small sphere to the larger one and so on. The parents should accustom their son to bear responsibility inside and outside the family. They may, for example, let him know the financial situation of the family, participate in thinking of ways of spending and saving and they may even let him shoulder the responsibility of the house one day in the week in order to accustom him to shoulder his responsibilities when he is married.

 

The role of the media

 

Dr. ‘Arafah ‘Aamir, a professor of Broadcasting at Al-Azhar University, agrees with Dr. Nasr on many points. He says that Islam pays great attention to the children’s upbringing, even before they come into existence, for it urges the husband to choose a righteous wife who is religious and of good morals. Islam is also keen on choosing a good name for the child which conveys good meanings. Islam appreciates the males and females equally in terms of what affects their future life. It also acknowledges the importance of the children’s upbringing since the beginning of their speech and understanding. The following was narrated in a tradition, “The first thing you should introduce to your children is ‘la ’ilaaha illa Allah’ (None is truly worthy of worship but Allah).” During that stage, the child stores information and hears what is good and bad. When the stage of output comes, he starts to utter what he has heard. Hence, we should pay great attention to him and look after him. The process of upbringing extends throughout one’s life. It begins from his birth or even before it and lasts for ever for it is an accumulative upbringing.

 

Prevention of discrimination

 

Islam has severely warned against discrimination between the male and the female. It is a mistake in upbringing when we discriminate between the male and the female and prefer the former. If we do so, we are planting selfishness and egoism in the male. If he continues to grow up without ever being entrusted with anything, he will grow into a fragile person who is unable to bear responsibility. Life is full of experiences and trials; hence, he will not be able to deal with them properly. It is wrong to throw all the responsibility onto the female’s shoulder inside the house. Rather, there should be a distribution of roles so that every member of the family knows his duties. There are things that are done by the fathers, things that are done by the mother and other things that are done by the children. Islam preferred men to women with one degree only, namely, the right to be in charge. Unfortunately, there are men who fail to be in charge.

 

The house is like a ship that needs a leader who can make the right decision at the right time and be responsible for his family before Allah The Almighty, the people and the law. This family is what gives the country its valued members, who could either be good members and building factors or destructive tools. We should not discriminate between children in terms of treatment, giving gifts and in anything else, even affection, in order not to make them feel jealous and fill their hearts with hatred towards their parents or siblings; consequently, they will have a contrary reaction.

 

Both the man and the woman have their special roles that fit their nature. Strength and forbearance are part of man’s nature; hence, he should bear the burdens of work outside the house. On the other hand, the woman is responsible for the work inside the house, and outside it only in what conforms with her emotional and kind nature. However, if the man becomes absorbed in women's work, his character will disintegrate and he will lose his manhood. By the same token, if the woman becomes absorbed in men’s work, she will lose her femininity and her nature will be affected.

 

We are not calling man to refrain from helping his mother, sister or wife with the housework, but he should also not be completely overcome with women's work. Moderation should be observed in everything. This does not prevent the existence of harmony and a mixture of mercy and cooperation inside the family between the father, the mother and the children. The Prophet, , would be at the service of his family. He would buy what they needed from the market and help his wives with the housework.

 

Hence, when a man helps his wife with the housework, he is only following the example of our noble Prophet, , especially if the wife is preoccupied with the children or if she works outside the house. The man should not sit with his legs crossed and say, ‘I am the man’ and leave his wife overwhelmed by housework from A to Z. Mercy, cooperation and participation are the ingredients of a happy Muslim home.

The girl is like the boy: A slogan often raised but not applied - I