Miserly husbands and the alienation of the wife and children

01/07/2009| IslamWeb

“They call me a miser. This is not true. I do not have much money. I am simply saving money for the coming days. I am afraid of being in need of money. Will you give me money when I retire? An Arabic proverb says, ‘A penny saved in welfare will be useful in calamities.’ This is the rule that I follow. I am not mean but people don’t want me to be a spendthrift. This does not suit me. They should leave me alone. I do not interfere in their affairs, so why do they not rest and stop criticizing me.”

This is what was said by a certain Ali. G when the issue of miserly husbands was brought up in his presence. There are many stories about miserly people and what they do. I once heard about a miserly person who refused to buy a banana or a watermelon because its peel was thick and heavy and, he felt that he should not be paying for that weight. Another miser weighed the bones of the grilled chicken he had eaten in order to know the amount of money that he lost. Another one walked for a long distance, not to exercise or because he did not have enough money, but to save the money that he would pay as a bus fare. He thus went to work and returned on foot every day. I was once told about a miserly woman who would search the garbage for food. To miserly people, participating in charitable projects are acts of insanity and gifts are unjustified lavishness. There are many stories about people who live poor and die wealthy. 

 

H.N., the daughter of a miserly man, said, “My father does not do any of his duties. I cannot stand living with him anymore. He deprives us of the simplest rights and usually accuses us of being extravagant. He usually searches our pockets for money, or even a speck of sugar.” These stories may sound funny, but a woman who lives with a miserly husband suffers very real trauma.

 

Income and spending habits

Dr. ‘Abdul-Kareem Al-Ameer Hasan says that there is not a clear definition that is adopted by researchers and specialists of a miserly husband. Every society looks at this issue from its own perspective. For instance, a man that we describe as being miserly in one society may be described as generous in another. The definition is seen within the framework of the family, the society, the current economic system and whether or not this system is capable of guaranteeing a good standard of living for families.

 

The rights of the family are defined according to its economic background - whether the family is well-off or limited-income. Some people look for a job and cannot find anything. Some have jobs where they earn little money, so they are unable to spend a lot of money and will appear to be miserly or spending frugally. Such a person is not miserly as he does not have enough money in the first place. Hence, the economic condition is the main criterion. 

 

However, we can determine whether a husband is stingy or not through defining the rights and duties of both the husband and wife. It is the duty of the husband to provide for the basic needs of the members of his family: the material needs such as food, home, clothing and medicine if needed. It is his duty to provide for the minimal moral needs of his family by enabling them to have good relations with their relatives, friends, and neighbors, which will entail spending on some courtesies. A father should help his family to engage in different cultural and artistic activities that provide the nourishment of the soul for the family.

 

Based on this view, we may say that a miserly husband is the one who is well-off and may have a high income, yet does not provide for the material and moral needs of his family. The problem of a miserly husband affects the relation of the family with relatives and in-laws. 

 

Some husbands are unable to spend even though they are wealthy, due to psychological problems they may be suffering from. Such problems make them stingy with both their money and their emotions. Life with such persons can be a real problem because they negatively affect those around them. Studies and extensive and expansive social and psychological field research should be conducted in order to study the motives that lead them to have such an attitude. The results of this research could help offer them solutions and help them overcome this streak, because many of them wish they were not miserly. This streak is usually the result of improper upbringing during childhood. We know that the eastern societies condemn misers and consider miserliness to be an undesired quality. Eastern societies appreciate generous men. They consider generosity to be a sign of true manhood. A miserly man is unwanted on the social level and is usually exposed to criticism and scolding. Therefore, he should be helped.

 

Miserly husbands cause endless problems for their families. For instance, bringing children up is based on the principle of punishment and reward and the reward is usually material. If the father is too miserly to reward his child, the child will be hurt and feel inferior to his peers. This leads some children to steal and eventually they might even become drug addicts. This may also lead daughters to do destructive things for the sake of money. As for the wife, the miserliness of her husband affects her directly as she is the one who endures the greatest loss. She is the homemaker and when she is not provided with the necessary expenditure, she gets perplexed. Her feelings of love and respect towards her husband start to diminish and are replaced by hatred and alienation. In many cases, the miserliness of the husband leads to divorce.

 

A miserly person does not enter Paradise

 

From an Islamic perspective, Dr. Hassan Al-Bughaa says: Marital duties are numerous. Some of them are financial such as financial maintenance and housing, while others are moral. Some of these duties should be done by both the husband and the wife, while others are particular to only one of them, such as financial maintenance, which is obligatory for the husband [according to the opinion of the majority of scholars]. The proof of this is what Allah The Almighty Says (which means): {Upon the father is the mothers' provision and their clothing according to what is acceptable.} [Quran 2:233] There are many other proofs. This indicates that financial maintenance is obligatory upon the husband. Financial maintenance is in return for the wife’s fulfillment of her duties towards her husband and her child. Normally, a woman cannot fulfill these duties and earn her living at the same time.

When Hind, may Allah be pleased with her, told the Prophet, , that Abu Sufyaan, may Allah be pleased with him, was a miser and did not give her what sufficed her and her children, he said: “Take [of his property without his knowledge] what is sufficient for you and your children reasonably.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] Wives have the right to be provided for by their husbands. If a husband does not give his wife that right, she is entitled to take what is sufficient for her, according to the husband’s financial state and the norms of the society. Consequently, husbands should know that it is their duty, and not a favor, to support their wives financially. It is sufficient for us to quote what the Prophet, , said in this regard:

• “It is enough sin for a person to neglect the rights of those whom he is responsible to provide for.”[Abu Daawood]
• “You will be rewarded for anything that you spend for the sake of Allah, even it is a morsel which you put in your wife'smouth.”[Al-Bukhari]
• “Miserliness and faith do not exist together in the heart of a slave.”[An-Nasaa’i]

Being negligent about financial duties is considered one of the greatest sins and is considered a major sin if the person can afford it. On the other hand, observing one’s financial duties is considered a good deed that can win the pleasure of Allah The Almighty and the Muslim will be rewarded for it. If a man does not fulfill it, he should know that his faith is imperfect because the continual Provider is Allah The Almighty who Says (what means): {We provide for them and for you} [Quran 17:31] Allah The Almighty provides each person with the sustenance of those who are under his care. That is why Allah The Almighty mentions the children [meaning, sustenance ‘for them’] before mentioning the father [meaning, ‘for you’] in this verse. This means that Allah The Almighty provides the father for the sake of his child.

Therefore, how can a man be miserly with the ones who are the reason for which Allah provides for him, and who are helpless and cannot provide for themselves? Children cry for a good morsel of food. The miserly person will not enter Paradise until he is punished for his miserliness. The Prophet, , said:“Deceivers, misers, and reminders of favors will not enter Paradise.” [Abu Daawood]

 

What could be worse than this fate that awaits the miser? How dare a man be a miser? This, I believe, is delinquency that results from having imperfect faith and ill-manners. Hence, misers deserve the punishment of delayed admission into Paradise. This delay may last for one thousand years until Allah The Almighty forgives him. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {…a day with your Lord is like a thousand years of those which you count.}[Quran 22:47] The miser should know that he is despised by his family and that they wish him evil and describe him as having resentful characteristics. His miserliness leads him to be disparaged. A miser loses out on a great reward that may help alleviate his sins and crimes, because providing for children is an act that would be greatly rewarded. The Prophet, , said: “Whatever a man spends on his family is a deed of charity.”[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

 

Islamic jurists have set rules for the miserly husband not to go unquestioned. The majority of scholars say that it is permissible for the wife, whose husband does not provide for her, to ask the judge to divorce her without her husband’s consent. The Hanafi School of Law has stated that such a husband should be imprisoned. The miser is negligent regarding the rights of his wife and family and he will be held accountable for that and will be punished first by Allah and second by the court and people. His faith is imperfect and his creed is questionable. He is the most miserable person.

 

We pray to Allah The Almighty to save us from all evils and to make us among those who listen to speech and follow the best of it.