Look out for your husband after the age of forty

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

It is common among many people to consider a grown man to be an adolescent if he travels a lot and leaves his own adolescent children with no one to take care of them. Also, when some people notice that a forty-year-old man changes his style of clothes or his general appearance, they begin to believe that he has abandoned his known reverence, and, consequently, they consider him like an adolescent. Some others would like sports but give it up and prefer spending their time in places of entertainment. Other people consider a forty-year-old person a teenager because of his keenness in maintaining his physique to the extent that it makes him concerned with the dimensions of his body and follow a special diet. Other people consider the forty-year-old man a late teenager when he begins to think of marriage after solving his children’s problems or when the children leave the house in order to marry or work abroad. Some people denounce the idea of this man's marriage. Other people consider a man at the age of forty or fifty a late teenager when he starts to return to his house at different times after it had been his habit to return at defined and known times to the members of his family.

There are many situations and behaviors that people consider a late adolescence for a man at the age of forty, fifty or sixty. I disagree with them about some of these things and agree with them about others. Such scenes cannot be considered a general and widespread phenomenon. However, we will discuss some irregular scenes by illustrating the issue of the "good example" which a man at the age of forty or fifty must represent. Such a person is a role model for his children; hence, he should behave in a good way and avoid anything that might negatively affect the reverence of a person of his age. I will mention an incident, which a brother told me about; this incident shows how some people ignore the principle of being a good example in their attitude and outlook. This brother was driving a luxurious car near a traffic sign and the sound of the stereo was giving off a clamorous noise. Another car was next to his and a man who seemed to be around forty was driving it. When the young man saw this man, he lowered the sound of the recorder out of respect for him, but the man looked at him and lifted his hand, which was holding a cigarette. As a reaction to this shameful scene, the young man again raised the sound of the stereo.

 

Late adolescence at the age of forty appears very distinctly to the woman, especially the wife who monitors this change and remains perplexed about her husband who is undergoing a second stage of adolescence that has no definite limit; it may be at the age of forty, fifty or even sixty. Such a wife may ask: What is the role that I have to play? A wife may lose her husband and thus has to quickly rescue him from this predicament before he falls into the trap of this late adolescence. This may be achieved as follows:

1-    Having a strong attachment to the husband from the early years of marriage. In doing so, the wife should not overlook a very important issue, namely, forgetting the husband amid her preoccupation with the children’s upbringing. She should share her husband's hobbies with him. Nothing should prevent the woman from drawing closer to her husband and reconciling their viewpoints. This would not allow the gap between them to widen in the course of time and would not cause something that the woman hates to happen. She should know that her husband is like a plant; if she does not look after it, it will dry up and die.

2-    Having confidence in herself and in her husband. If a wife feels content and self-confident, this will be reflected on her home and life. However, if she does not have self-confidence, everything in her house will turn into fire. Therefore, she should realize that her beauty does not lie in maintaining the beauty of her face and her physique; rather, it lies in her self-confidence. Many women remove the wrinkles from their faces and at the same time remove their self-confidence. They do so in the search of beauty while neglecting self-confidence; they do not even attempt to read their husbands' looks.

3-    The man needs feelings of sympathy, compassion and deep love, even at such an advanced age. Hence, do not neglect this emotional and cognitive communication between you, for it will inevitably add cooperation to your life. I know that maturity makes it difficult for the tongue to express such feelings, but lack of this may result in emotional dryness or in a distressing divorce. Yes, one of the spouses may feel shy to express such emotions for such reasons as the presence of the children or maturity. However, for the sake of a happy life, these emotions have to be expressed, even through an occasional good word, praising some work that was done by one of the spouses and showing admiration for the style of one’s partner. I am sure that this will have a positive effect on spreading love as well as satisfying the required emotional and psychological aspects. Without this, life would become dry and superficial. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And of His signs is that He Created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He Placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} [Quran30:21]

In my opinion, if the spouses’ interests are varied, a man will not search for another woman to be closer to him. Considering only the physical needs pushes man to this late adolescence. This occurs when the man finds leisure time, or let us say, an emotional vacancy, something which makes him regress to a stage that is not suitable for his age. This attracts attention to him and he becomes the topic of the hour. Some people may make fun of him or of his conduct. Therefore, the wife has to kill the boring routine between her and her husband by exchanging gifts, for instance. She has to sit with her husband and remove any residual disagreements that might have been generated from any misunderstanding between them. The couple should treat the disturbances in their lives with frankness. We should also not forget the words of the Prophet, : "The best of you is the best in treating his household [i.e. wife]."

 

When the father lives in an atmosphere that is full of indifference and irresponsibility, when he spends most of the time with his friends in places of entertainment, when he descends into lack of awareness while neglecting his children and family, then this means the loss of his family. The treatment  of such indifference is individual and social upbringing.

 

Finally, I am certain that the solution to this social problem lies in the hands of the wife of this adolescent; she should have confidence in herself and her actual and personal ability and she should also monitor his real reactions. If she does this, she will win back her husband’s heart.