My parents have divorced

10/03/2014| IslamWeb

Faatimah was an excellent student who used to give quick answers to questions posed by her teachers. She was known for her sociability, sense of humor, intelligence, strong personality, and self-confidence. Her scores were the highest among her classmates. For Faatimah, the world was a wonderful place and she was optimistic and enthusiastic about her life and future…

Suddenly, her whole life changed.

Her educational excellence turned into a complete failure and her joy turned into withdrawal. She became lost after playing the role of the leader, because she lost her self-confidence and became inattentive and desperate. The school is no longer important for her.

Dear caregiver, you might inquire about the secret behind this radical change in Faatimah’s life, and the answer will be like a strike when she says, “My father has divorced my mother!”

A conversation with Faatimah:

What do you feel regarding the separation of your parents?

I hate it.

What do you mean?

My mother cries a lot.

What is your feeling when you see this?

I feel sad and I wish she would stop.

Do you know the reason behind your parents’ separation?

They used to quarrel a lot.

Did they quarrel because of you?

Yes.

Do you feel that you are responsible for their separation?

Yes. It was my fault.

At that moment, Faatimah’s eyes filled with tears, and the student counselor tried to pacify her, but she could not stop for several minutes. She was murmuring some words to express her suppressed emotions that she had concealed for months. When she calmed down, she said, "I was once standing in front of the TV. My father shouted at me to step aside, but my mother objected and asked him not to frighten me. They fought because of me and my father left the house. Two weeks later, they told me that they had separated, and that is why I believe that it was my fault."

That is what children think when their parents separate.

Let facts speak:

Studies show that 50 percent of children whose parents have separated believe that this happened because of them. Therefore, divorce is very dangerous for the children, because it hurts their feelings badly and causes them to turn into poor achievers at school. This is normal for children who believe that they are the cause of their parents’ separation.

Dear caregiver, parents are like the bird’s two wings for their children. Is it possible for a bird to fly with one wing?

The child regards his father as the leader of the house and the role model in everything. That is the example according to which the child builds his dreams. Children usually pride themselves on the social status and positions of their fathers. Hence, you find children saying, 'My father is the director of such and such', or 'My father bought me such and such.' Even the adoring look of an infant seems to say, “My father, you are great in my eyes.” When the child grows up and understands that his father will leave him to go to work, he weeps and clings to his father’s clothes asking to accompany him.

With regard to the mother, she is the other wing and the child can never dispense with her. She is the symbol of love and compassion, and she and her child represent one inseparable entity, as they were when he was still a fetus inside her womb. Consider the young child and the strength of his attachment to his mother, to the extent that he weeps bitterly if she leaves him even for a moment. When he grows up, she also raises his morale, strengthens his self-confidence, studies with him, prepares his food, wipes his tears, and stays beside him at night when he gets sick. She is her child’s matchless tender repose.  

A child feels safe as long as the relationship between his parents is good and their marriage is stable, because the child notices whatever happens between his parents including screaming, fighting, disagreement, and even desertion in bed. The child notices all of this, which undermines his sense of safety and makes him feel like an orphan. That is why, Allah The Almighty raised the status of the two parents and Commanded us to be dutiful and kind to them. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.} [Quran 17:23]

The impact of divorce on children:

The problems of disunited families have become statistically significant in all societies from the USA to Bangladesh. This issue has dangerous social and economic implications in terms of the side effects upon the children. The social upbringing in such an environment makes the children:

·        Always worried and disturbed

·        Always sad and depressed

·        Lack of proper social interaction, because the basic environment did not provide the child with safety or protection

How does the child react towards divorce?

There is no doubt that divorce adversely affects the child, but the strength of the child’s reaction depends upon his age and ability to comprehend, as well as on the surrounding circumstances.

Characteristics of the impact of divorce upon children:

From 2-5 years: The child usually shows signs of retrogressive behavior or returning to previous developmental stages such as nightly bed-wetting, suffering from nightmares, sleep disturbances, detraction and irritability. 

From 6-9 years: The impact may be more severe because the child is still vulnerable and unable to understand what is going on. However, he can understand that something wrong is happening. He is still dependent upon his parents and he may find that it is easy to express feelings through anger, inattentiveness, and refraining from doing his homework.

From 9-13 years:

The child may have his own friends and he may be more independent from his parents, but he still needs to express his feelings. He may suffer from depression and weak school performance. This is also considered a critical period because the child is about to be a teenager, which makes him more vulnerable. The teenager’s reaction is usually strong and is seen in wrong behavior to attract attention or express their anger in the form of unwanted behavior.

The greatest danger:

The greatest danger that results from divorce and family breakup is teenage delinquency, as confirmed by studies that revealed that 70 percent of criminals are victims of broken homes due to divorce or ceaseless family disagreements.

The Prophet, , warned against it:

The Prophet, , said: “A woman who asks her husband to divorce her without a harm [inflicted on her], the scent of Paradise will be forbidden for her." [Abu Daawood (Al-Albaani: Saheeh)]

The Prophet, , urged the two spouses to maintain their relationship and to keep away from divorce as long as there is no necessity for it, because the evils of divorce usually exceed its benefits. Moreover, the worst influences will affect our children. On the Day of Judgment, parents will be asked how they brought up their children. On that Day, every one will be asked about those who were under their care and responsibility. We should think of those children and how will they live after divorce.

It needs a great sacrifice:

At the beginning, life may be very easy; a happy couple, good financial conditions, a calm house, a wife completely dedicated to the husband and mutual love. However, when the children come, the situation changes.

The child takes a significant portion of the efforts and attention of the parents and expenditures increase. The child screams at night and disturbs his father. The mother pampers her child, and the father is discontent with this. The devil may exploit any event of disagreement until it leads to divorce.

Divorce without a real necessity is a form of selfishness, because the father and the mother only consider their own interests and none of them sacrifices for his child.

What should we do if the worst happens?

If there is a real necessity and cause for divorce, the father is not allowed to prevent the mother from seeing her children or vice versa, because this is selfish behavior.

We should try to alleviate the negative effects of divorce on the child as much as possible by allowing him to see his parents regularly away from courts and police stations so as not to hurt his feelings.

Parents should be completely reasonable in dealing with this problem and should show keenness on satisfying the child’s emotional needs as much as possible.

In fact, we can never make up for the mental and emotional stability provided by a stable house in terms of bringing up an emotionally stable, self-confident child.

May Allah The Almighty protect the children of the Muslims against the dangers of divorce.