Controlling anger: an essential skill for educators - II
13/04/2015| IslamWeb
Keep your energy for construction not destruction:
If a person does not control himself in critical situations and surrenders to the dictates of anger and strong agitation, he will find himself consuming an enormous quantity of his inner energy, which is supposed to be exploited in the process of construction, education, teaching, constructive dialogue, developing the skills of the children and enjoying a quiet everyday life. This kind of life is full of worshiping Allah The Almighty, reciting the Quran, good companionship inside the family, helping people and even removing harmful objects from the road.
Come and take the following steps towards anger management:
- Always remind yourself that uncontrollable anger is one of the features of weakness in the upbringing process, whereas curbing and managing anger as well as acting fairly with the children while in this state, represents the apex of the strength and positivity of the person who assumes the upbringing process and it is a meritorious quality distinguishing the righteous slaves of Allah The Almighty. It was narrated on the authority of Ibn ‘Umar 
that the Prophet 
said: “There is no dose that is more rewarded by Allah The Almighty than a dose of anger that a slave restrains for His sake.” [Ibn Majah] [Al-Albani: Saheeh]
- At the moment of anger when you feel that an ember is burning inside you, start counting from one to ten before uttering any word and ask yourself this question, "What should I say now to make my child benefit from this situation?"
- Review the situation that sparked your anger because of your child and rethink the motives behind such acts. For instance, your child spilled a cup of milk on his clothes during breakfast because he was trying to be independent and he did not intend to annoy you. Your agitation in this situation prevents him from trying to do this again successfully.
- Express what you feel to your child while you are angry and address him with strong words that take him to a higher level of behavior, which you were expecting of him. An angry father, for example, may say, "Son, I was angry about your misbehavior yesterday when you came home late. I was expecting you to be aware of the proper time when you should return home which I previously set for you."
- Use the method of neglect and temporary desertion. You might not talk with your child for long hours or answer his questions with lengthy speech. Show no concern for him till the blaze of anger dies down, taking into account the level of strictness in doing so. Surely, you will realize that this method is very fruitful in guiding the child compared to the other methods that you might resort to when you are angry.
- Remember that lowering your voice while talking to children helps you feel less angry and demonstrates your ability to control yourself and control them. If the child sees that you have lost control of your temper, this portrays you as a weak person, and he will imitate your weakness or take advantage of it.
- You can use written messages to express your refusal of some of your children’s requests or behavior. This is an efficient way that can be used with all people; like spouses, friends and children. That is because we think more wisely, analytically, and rationally when we write than when we improvise decisions, judgments and reprimands. Also, agitation cannot be conveyed through writing as clearly as through speaking. By doing so, you will certainly notice that the intensity of our anger and the anger of our children will decrease.
- Seek the help of Allah The Almighty in carrying out your decisions and always remember the advice of the Prophet "Do not get angry." Use the methods that the Prophet instructed us to do in order to resist anger, such as making ablution, taking a bath, changing one's position from standing to sitting and from sitting to lying down, and frequently seeking refuge with Allah The Almighty from the accursed Satan.
Finally, whoever is assuming the upbringing process, remember the following:
Successful management of one's agitation and anger is real strength. The Prophet taught us, saying: "A strong person is not the one who overpowers others; rather, a strong person is the one who controls himself at the time of anger." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
It also means caring for others, looking for right solutions to change the children's unacceptable behavior, and determination to succeed in your upbringing duty without severing the strong bonds which connect you together.
Raging anger remains a negative and destructive force in which the child's response comes out artificial and temporary because it occurred due to fear or the desire to assuage anger and its consequences. It does not change the reality of the child for the better, but often aggravates it.
Now, start immediately and decide that: "From now on, there will be no more violence or anger with our children – Allah Willing."