Emotional Communication Between Spouses - III

19/04/2012| IslamWeb

Cooperation Between the Spouses

Cooperation between the spouses gives life a wonderful flavor. Each of them shares with his partner the times of joy and sadness, poverty and richness, and in taking the right decisions. According to this participation, they become one soul and have effective happiness, affection, mercy and tranquility.

There are many forms of cooperation between the spouses:

Cooperation in Seeking Knowledge

Knowledge is the way to nobility and high rank in this worldly life and the Hereafter. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {Allah will raise those who have believed among you and those who were given knowledge, by degrees.} [Quran 58:11] The Prophet said: “When Allah intends goodness for someone, He bestows upon him insight in religion.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

The husband should teach the wife the matters of her religion if he is able to do so. If he is not able to do so, he should allow her to go out to attend sessions of knowledge in the mosque (Masjid) or institute. He should facilitate for her the means of seeking knowledge: buying good books or tapes of recorded lessons and admonitions.

The wives of the Prophet were keen on conveying the religion and the Hadeeths of the Prophet to all Muslims. The women of the Companions, may Allah be pleased with them, were keen on learning religious knowledge. It is narrated that some women asked the Prophet to fix a day for them as the men were taking all his time. Upon that, he promised them one day for religious lessons and commandments. [Al-Bukhari]

There have been prominent scholars of Fiqh (Jurisprudence), Hadeeth and admonishers among women in the past and present. The woman would seek knowledge just like her husband out of her keenness on learning and understanding her religion and to bring up her children to be well-educated and knowledgeable of their religion. Umm Salamah, may Allah be pleased with her, would answer the questions of women, and ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, was famous for her abundant knowledge.

Cooperation in Doing Acts of Obedience

A wife is the partner of the man in his life, and she can make his life either happy or miserable. The righteous wife encourages her husband to perform acts of worship; such as prayer, fasting, Zakah (obligatory charity), and Hajj. She helps him adhere to these acts of worship and helps him pray voluntary prayers at night and to give charity to the poor. The righteous wife really is considered half of the man’s religion. The righteous man helps his wife obey Allah The Almighty and do good deeds. The Prophet said: “May Allah show mercy to a man who gets up during the night and performs prayer, awakens his wife to pray and, if she refuses, he sprinkles water on her face [to wake her]. May Allah show mercy to a woman who gets up during the night and performs prayer, awakens her husband for the same purpose; and if he refuses, she sprinkles water on his face.” [Ibn Maajah]

It is wonderful if the spouses are used to reading together something, even if a few verses from the Quran after Fajr prayer, and specify a part to be recited daily. Many spouses who do so have stated that it has had a good effect on their hearts. It even melts away the marks of differences between them. This is the active participation which delights the spouses in the worldly life and the Hereafter.

Cooperation in Seeking Provision

Financial support is an obligatory matter upon the husband. Mu‘aawiyah ibn Haydah, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “I asked the Messenger of Allah ‘What right can any wife demand of her husband?’ He replied: ‘You should give her food when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, not strike her on the face, and not revile her or separate from her except in the house.’” [Abu Daawood and Ibn Hibbaan]

The righteous, honorable wife has many great characteristics. She saves for her husband many expenses and wears what covers her ‘Awrah (body parts forbidden to be uncovered), eats what satisfies her need, and can afford part of the responsibilities of her husband. Asmaa’ bint Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with her, helped her husband in cultivating some land which the Prophet endowed to him. She would carry date stones on her back for miles and then used to prepare it as food for the horse of her husband until her father, Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him, gave her a servant as a gift in order to spare her this hard service.

The Mother of the Believers, Zaynab bint Jahsh, may Allah be pleased with her, would tan leather and sell it to have money to give as charity in the cause of Allah The Almighty. The wife of Imaam Ahmad ibn Hanbal would spin wool to help in earning their living. The woman can do work that helps her husband be content and have lawful gains without going outside the home and intermixing with men. This work returns in profit and helps the husband; however, it is not obligatory upon her to do so. Rather, she should do so out of participation and cooperation. Some of this work could be:
1- Breeding domestic animals
2- Tailoring clothes for women
3- Embroidery and knitting
4- Art work

The women among the Companions would advise their husbands before they would go out to work saying, “Fear Allah with regards to us, and do not feed us except from lawful gain. We can bear the hunger of this worldly life, but we cannot bear the punishment of Allah in Hereafter.” Islam urges contentment and asceticism. A Muslim woman should not yearn for the wealth and blessings that are in the hands of her sisters. The Prophet said: “Successful is the one who embraces Islam and is provided with sustenance sufficient for his need, and Allah makes him content with what He has bestowed upon him.” [Muslim]

The Prophet was content and never criticized food. If he liked it, he would eat; otherwise, he would leave it and not say a word. He would eat bread with vinegar or oil. He would wear the available clothing either made of wool, cotton or linen and would wear what was given to him as a gift. It is permissible for the woman to go out to work to gain money if her husband is unable to work or if there is a need for her work. However, she should go out decently and avoid the places of intermixing with men as much as she is able.

Cooperation in Housework

What a wonderful act it is when the husband participates with his wife in some of the housework even if out of affection, sympathy and moral appreciation! It is a good chance for the man to express his appreciation for his wife and endear himself to her even if he does simple work, such as carrying the dishes to the table, spreading out the carpets, and so on.

The Prophet was a good example to be followed in helping his family. He would milk his sheep, sew his clothes, mend his shoes, serve himself, clean the home, hobble the camel and feed it, bake with his wives, and carry his goods from the market.

In the Battle of the Trench, Jaabir ibn ‘Abdullaah, may Allah be pleased with him, helped his wife to prepare a banquet and he slaughtered the sheep, skinned it, and roasted it while his wife was grinding the barley and preparing the bread. When he finished, he called the Prophet to the banquet. The Prophet took with him a group of the Companions, may Allah be pleased with them, and the food sufficed them all by virtue of the blessing of the Prophet .

Cooperation of the Spouses in Raising the Children

Children are the adornment of this worldly life and they are the wish of all spouses. The parents exert their efforts to bring up their children in the best way in order to be righteous offspring that obey Allah The Almighty. If the spouses leave their children without taking care of them or giving them a sound upbringing, they may become a source of resentment and regret rather than a blessing.

Cooperation in raising the children necessitates taking care of them and fulfilling their needs without stinginess or extravagance, and without distinction among them or preferring one over another. There should be justice between them in terms of food, clothes, looks, smiles and kisses. It is impermissible to prefer the males over the females. Rather, there should be equality in everything, even in gifts.

Basheer ibn Sa‘d Al-Khazraji, may Allah be pleased with him, went to the Prophet accompanied by his son An-Nu‘maan, and said, “O Messenger of Allah, I make you witness that I gave An-Nu‘maan such and such.” The Prophet asked: “Did you give such a gift to all of your children?” He replied, “No.” The Prophet said: “Let someone other than me bear witness to this.” The Prophet further said: “Do you not except dutifulness from all of them as you expect from him?” The man said, “Yes, of course.” The Prophet said: “Then, no [do not do this].” [Muslim, An-Nasaa’i and Ibn Maajah]

The greater part of the responsibility of raising the children lies with the mother, as she spends the day and the night with her child, feeding him, giving him drink, giving him kindness and warmth, teaching him the principles of religion, the basics of knowledge and how to take the good and avoid the harmful and so on, so that the child grows up a good person benefiting himself, his family and his Ummah (Muslim nation). The Arab poet, Haafith Ibraaheem, said that the mother is like a school in that if you prepare her well, you would prepare a well-mannered people.

On the other hand, the father works outside the home all day to ensure a good life for his family. He might return home late at night and need to rest. We hear a lot that the father goes out to work before his children wake up and returns after they sleep, and that the children do not see their father except in the holidays. He might sometimes travel for years away from the children. Fathers should think carefully about this matter because it has a bad effect on the children.

In fact, the responsibility of upbringing should be borne by both spouses. It is not permissible for the husband to leave his children without care. He must sit with them daily in order to know their conditions and listen to their activities, and then guide them to the correct way if they made a mistake, and encourage them if they did what is right. Hence, the spirit of cooperation and understanding will spread among the family members. The children will obey the instructions of the parents and be keen on satisfying them. Accordingly, it will be easy for the parents to guide them and reform their bad behavior.

The spouses should do their best and cooperate to bring up righteous children. If the upbringing of the child was ignored while he was young, it would be hard to reform him when he grows up. The child gets accustomed to the way that he grows up being accustomed to. The Prophet said: “Honor your children, and bring them up well.” [Ibn Maajah]

Whoever is left in his childhood without being disciplined, it would be far harder to discipline him when he grows up. It should be taken into consideration to train the children to pray, encourage them to memorize the Quran and read beneficial knowledge, develop natural abilities and talents, and encourage them to go frequently to the mosques and places of knowledge in order to keep them away from the places of corruption and bad company. If the spouses cooperate well and are patient in the upbringing of the children, Allah The Almighty would admit them to Paradise and protect them from Hell.

‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “A woman came to me with her two daughters. She asked me [for charity], but I found nothing with me except one date-fruit, so I gave it to her. She accepted it and then divided it between her two daughters, and she herself ate nothing of it. She then got up and went out. When the Messenger of Allah came in, and I narrated to him the story, and he said: ‘He who is tested [by bearing the responsibility] of [bringing up] daughters, and is benevolent towards them, they would become protection for him against Hell.’” [Al-Bukhari, Muslim and At-Tirmithi]

Treating Servants

The wife might be unable to meet the needs of the home: cleaning, preparing food, bringing up the children, serving the husband, and so on. Accordingly, she may resort to hire a servant or babysitter to shoulder some of these responsibilities. It is more appropriate to have a Muslim servant. Such servants are our brothers and sisters whom we should treat kindly.

We have a good example in this regard in the life of the Prophet . Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “I served the Messenger of Allah for nine years, and I do not know [of any instance] when he said to me, ‘Why you have done this or that’, and he never found fault with me in anything.” [Muslim]

The Prophet said: “[Servants are] your brothers whom Allah has placed under your command. So whoever has a brother under his command should feed him of what he eats, and dress him of what he wears. Do not ask them [i.e., the servants] to do things beyond their capacity [power], and if you do so, then help them.” [Al-Bukhari]

When a man helps his servant, he instills in him love and sympathy. A man might be used as a porter, cook, driver, gardener, and so on, due to the need for him. The aging or disability of the husband or the wife is one of the reasons of having servants. They should choose an honest servant who conceals the secrets of the home and safeguards its belongings. It is not permissible for the husband to be in seclusion with the maid-servant, and it is impermissible for the wife to be in seclusion with the male-servant or to display her beauty before him, in order to prevent evils and unfavorable results. The wife should be alert and careful in her dealing with men who usually visit the home, such as the presser, milkman, collector of electricity fees, and so on.