Keys to Confronting Aggression in Children - II
30/04/2012| IslamWeb
Fourth: Learn how to manage marital problems
No home is free from disagreements among its members, foremost of whom are its pillars: the father and the mother. Since they are human beings, each has his own character and culture that shaped his habits and backgrounds. Everyone has the right to express himself even if it results in disagreements which sometimes develop into quarrels. Strangely enough, silent disagreement that the parents try to hide from children has a greater impact on children than loud disagreements. Some academic studies attribute suffering from asthma during the early years of childhood to silent disagreement between parents which affect the child, despite being hidden.
What is the solution?
Simply put, we should all learn conflict management skills. As the child is in need of a strong relationship between his parents and their harmony in facing the responsibilities of life, he also needs his parents' experience in managing their family problems. It means striking a balance between the child's experiences of the facts of life and making him feel secure, stable and integrated. The child learns from watching the intelligent management of his parents' problems that feelings of anger are tolerable because they do not harm others and that the feeling is still allowed as long as it is not associated with action. He also learns that difference in opinion should not spoil kind relationships.
Appropriate behavior in dealing with parents' disagreements
• Never approach points of disagreement in front of the children.
• If children get to know about the disagreement, we should tell them that disagreement between any two people is normal and temporary.
• The period of disagreement should not last for a long time, regardless of the reasons.
• Attempt to hide the effects of disagreement and parents should resume their life normally.
• Take the children's attention away from the disagreement by spreading the atmosphere of joy, going on a picnic or other activities.
• Let the disagreement be practically hidden from children. Neither of the parents should leave the bedroom and sleep in another room, and the mother should not weep or sit sullen and silent.
• The spouses have to try all possible means to avoid these disputes and agree on keeping quiet, avoiding dispute in front of children, delaying discussion to a time when children are absent, and both being relaxed, balanced, objective and focused.
• It is necessary to avoid ridicule by words or gestures. These insults create unbreakable cracks in the emotional state of the ridiculed party. Moreover, the child feels negative emotions which destroy his feeling of security for a long time. The ridiculed party keeps feeling shameful and ashamed for a long time.
• One must curb his emotions while angry lest things get out of control, along with the necessity to postpone discussion of matters that children should not hear.
• Taking into account the decision of postponing the discussion, i.e. avoiding angry and disgusting murmurings and mumbling which reflect hatred inaudibly. This arouses doubts and anxieties within the children and increases their expectation of disasters.
• The child must understand that love is the basis in his parents' relationship and that each respects the other and is solicitous about the child's well-being. He should know that any problem takes its time, then, gets resolved. This takes place by expressing this message by word of mouth and practically through the parents' calm and mature ways of treatment.
• Children should not hear yells or angry sounds from behind closed doors; it is preferable that discussion happens without accompanying sound effects behind closed doors.
• Instead of yelling, let disagreement be a chance to carry out the advice of the Prophet 
in dealing with anger, such as making ablution, performing prayer and seeking refuge in Allah The Almighty from the accursed Satan. It would be great if one of the parents managed to take the initiative to change this atmosphere of disagreement quickly by suggesting going on a picnic or playing a game, or by dealing with the other party happily, or by ending the disagreement promptly. This actually alleviates the painful feeling that the children sense during times of disagreement, provided that they suggest tips to delay the discussion.
• There is no need that one of the parents plays the role of a defeated and helpless party lest the children will become anxious and worried about one of them whom they consider the dearest and most precious thing they have, or take advantage of this situation to support one of them to win private gains.
• Parents must not have to justify their behavior all the time while the children become arbitrators. It is preferable to minimize disagreements as much as possible.
Flexibility is undoubtedly required to lead a brighter life, and the one who takes the initiative to solve and cure the problem is not the loser at all. On the contrary, he is the superior one since the Prophet said: "It is not lawful for a Muslim to desert (stop talking to) his brother beyond three days, the one turning one way and the other turning to the other way when they meet. The best among them is the one who is the first to extend Salaam to the other."
Fifth: Teach your child how to face his failures
We have to teach our children the correct way to deal with disappointment and that surrendering to disappointment is of no avail. We have to teach them that facing it is the solution and develop their sense of positivity and trust in Allah The Almighty. We have to teach them that making a mistake does not mean failure, but success emanates from failure. Mistakes provide a chance to learn, and the believer is not stung from one hole twice. By doing so, disappointment about the mistake motivates man not to make it again and creates an opportunity for him to learn.
In the early stages of the child's school life, we should foster another important feeling associated with the fashioning of his mental attitude. It is the feeling of success, which is born with the child at a very early stage. The child feels very happy when we praise him and extremely sad when we blame him for his mistakes. Feelings of happiness boost the child's desire to carry out different activities in a better and more accurate manner, whereas grief either extinguishes this desire and motivation or generates a surge of energies pushing one to correct the mistakes, overlook the slips and gain better results.