A Strategy to Support the Marital Relationship

06/03/2018| IslamWeb

"O ‘Aa’ish!" This is how our beloved Messenger, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to coddle his wife ‘Aa’ishah, the Mother of Believers, may Allah be pleased with her, and treat her nicely by shortening her name (from ‘Aa’ishah to ‘Aa’ish) as narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim.

Strategy of kind treatment

You have to adopt this magical strategy in your dealing with your life partner. It is the strategy of kind treatment. Put its daily application at the top of your priorities. Start at home where your relationship with your partner is nurtured.

Good treatment is a major component of developing warm feelings between two people. In fact, good treatment may be the centre of the marital relationship.

Good treatment has many benefits, where each partner is keen on maintaining intimate relations with, and care for the other when things are good, and keeping discussions from turning into quarrels.

But being nice does not mean that you smile when you do not feel any inclination to smile, or that you behave cheerfully while you feel depressed. Rather, good treatment is to deal with your partner in the same way that you like him/her to deal with you.

The best way to teach others the art of good treatment is to begin by being nice to them. That is because good treatment is transmitted swiftly, like an infection, from one person to another.

We are very astonished at the wife who deals with all people nicely and gently, but when she deals with her husband, she is as hard and cruel as a stone. She is a creative artful person but only in her dealing with others, whereas with her husband, she is sharp-tongued and a trouble-maker.

Similarly, we are astonished at the husband who is the nicest and the kindest with everyone except his family and wife, where he frowns and his soul is filled with annoyance. The Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, advised men saying: ~"The best among you is the best (in treatment) to his family; and I am the best (in treatment) to my family."~~ [Saheeh Al-Jaami‘]

He, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, addressing women: ~"Were I to order a slave to fall in prostration to a slave (like him), I would have ordered the wife to fall in prostration to her husband."~~ [Saheeh Al-Jaami‘]

All you have to do is start with the small things:

It is very important to treat your partner in the same way as you treat your dearest friend. All you have to do is to start with the small things. How?

1- Listen to the other from the bottom of your heart, and show respect and care for his or her feelings.

2- Nice treatment requires seeking permission when it is necessary for you to do so.

3- To apologize when you make a mistake.

4- To be polite.

5- To do your best to understand your partner well and then ask yourself about the best way to make him/her happy.
In fact, nice treatment is mainly based on the small things.

How can you be nice when you are busy?

The husband's duty is not only to provide his wife with a noble material living, nor is marriage to fulfill the marital rights awkwardly without feelings: but marriage is about harmony, mutual support, love, affection, mercy, living together in kindness, behaving nicely and joking. Just as the woman needs food, drink, a residence, and so on, she also needs a pleasant word, an affectionate look, a loving kiss, coddling and good company.

Let us set forth an example of how a man can be nice when he is busy:

In spite of his burdens related to Da‘wah (Islamic propagation) and his involvement in the affairs of the state, the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to give everyone the right that is due to him. He used to behave nicely towards his family.

According to Ibn Katheer "The Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was characterized by good treatment and continual cheerfulness. He used to coddle his family and treat them tenderly, and provide them with their sustenance in full. He used to laugh with his wives. He sometimes raced ‘Aa’ishah, Mother of the Believers thereby seeking her affection.

`Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said: The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, raced me, and I won before I put on weight. But when I put on weight and raced him, he won, and said: ~"This is for that!"~~

Whenever he, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, offered ‘Ishaa’ prayer, he would enter his house and have a pleasant talk with his family before going to bed, thereby giving them good company. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): #{There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern.}## [Quran 33:21]”

Such was our beloved Muhammad, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. In spite of his reverence, awe and great responsibilities, he, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was merciful to his wives, joyful with them, humble, nice in his treatment, affectionate to them, and lighthearted with them.

There are many narrations about how he coddled ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, in particular, for she was still young, and he knew well her need for play, entertainment, coddling and nice treatment. Of course, this was out of his prudence, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.

In this respect, it is narrated that ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, said, "I happened to drink while I was menstruating, then give it (the vessel) to the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who would put his mouth where mine had been. I also happened to eat meat from a bone while I was menstruating, then give it to the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, who would put his mouth where mine had been." [Muslim]

Thus, the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, did not make from the reverence and awe of Prophethood an impenetrable barrier between him and his wives, may Allah be pleased with them: on the contrary, he was always friendly to them with his nice treatment and tenderness.

The ideal husband is he who always coddles his wife, treats her nicely and provides her with her right of innocent entertainment and joy, by several ways which are within his ability: this may be done through night talk, a trip, a visit, attending an occasion which agrees with the Islamic method, and so on.

You should know, dear husband, that the one who cultivates affection gathers but flowers.

People act as mirrors to each other. We often harvest the produce of what we cultivate. When you notice some change in your beloved, try different things. Look into her eyes and send a smile to her carrying the message: 'Do not worry, for I always love you even when you are depressed'. Once you do so, your partner will often respond with a smile. We think that you agree with us that when good treatment is daily conduct, it becomes a basic element to support your relationship with your spouse throughout your life together.

So, let the man and woman be creative in finding ways to spread the strategy of nice treatment. Each of you should take the initiative of working with that strategy to support your marital relationship.