He thinks his new Muslim wife is an extremist

17-12-2009 | IslamWeb

Question:

My wife is anti social. She is an American muslim who reverted to islam. we've been married almost 5 years. she calls all non muslims kaffir refuses to be around any of them. Doesn't go to the masjid b/c some people there were rude to us so she states a woman doesn't have to go b/c it's not fards. all she does is speak politics and religion. She tells me to go to the store and do the shopping even though she can drive here in america. she says women shouldn't drive b/c this is what they do in saudia arabia. she refuses to wear make up or even nail polish b/c is invalidates wudu. (she will put the make up on for me in the house but never to go outside even though i want her to look nice outside.) i love my wife very much i know she is religious but i have an issue with always getting lectured about the do's and don'ts in islam. none of my family lives here in the states so she says there is no on that she has an obligation to be social to other than me and our kids. i see my wife is border line extremist. she believes she is always right... it's like i have to walk on egg shells around her other wise she will come at me with a fatwa or haddith. is there any thing i can say to her to fix this? is she correct about the anti social thing and the driving? how to make her RELAX? thanks so much masallama.

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Answer:

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

If your wife is as you mentioned, then you have indeed a pious wife whom many men wish they had as a wife. ‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Umar narrated that the Prophet said: “The worldly life is a provision and the best provision is a pious wife.” This is in general.

As regards the details which you provided about her, then our answer will be as follows:

1. The fact that non-Muslims are disbelievers is a reality which the Quran confirmed. As regards a Muslim keeping company with a non-Muslim, then a Muslim should not take a non-Muslim as a friend as this could lead the Muslim to many disadvantages but this does not mean to totally cut the relationship with non-Muslims, speaking to them in a nice manner, gifting them and so forth, because friendship is a type of relationship closer than these matters. For more details and their evidence, please refer to Fataawa 88293 and 85577.
2. It is permissible for a woman to go out to pray in the mosque provided she observes the religious conditions, like going out while wearing Hijab and so forth. However, her prayer at home is better as we clarified in Fatwa 92531. Nonetheless, if there is a general Islamic occasion or lessons or lectures, it might be more appropriate for her to participate with her Muslim sisters in it as this leads to many benefits, like acquiring knowledge and getting acquainted with her Muslim sisters, and participating with them in Da’wah activities.
3. Your wife’s being concerned about general matters, whether this is in regard to religion or worldly matters about the Muslim nation including the political issues is a good thing. However, this should not be the most important matter because there must be a time for affection and love between the spouses as the Prophet used to be with his wives. Moreover, she should choose the appropriate time for admonishing. Ibn Mas’ood said: “The Prophet used to choose an appropriate time during the days in order to admonish us so that he would not make us bored.’’
4. It is permissible for a woman to drive a car provided she meets some conditions that we clarified in Fatwa 84155.
5. In principle, it is permissible for a woman to put make up; however, it is not permissible for her to do so when she goes out of her home unless she wears the Niqaab [face covering] when she goes out. For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 122891. If your wife used to beautify herself for you, then she did well and she did what she is religiously ordered to do, i.e. beautifying herself for her husband, and not beautifying herself for anyone else as many women do. As regards nail polish, then ablution is not valid while applying it as it prevents water from reaching the skin, but a woman may do so provided that she removes it when she wants to perform ablution. For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 83035.
6. Your wife’s participating in social matters, like visiting others and the like, is not an obligation but it is permissible. However, there might be much good in her visiting her Muslim sisters by getting acquainted to them. Nonetheless, it should be noted that one should not be too lenient in regard to the so-called family gatherings which may include forbidden mixing between men and women.

In regard to your wish that your wife appears in a beautiful manner outside the home, then if this includes showing what must be covered from her body or showing her adornment to men, then this wish is contrary to the Sharee’ah and you should reconsider your view and abide by the Limits of Allaah.

To conclude, your wife is right in regard to many matters that you mentioned about her, and you may show her this Fatwa so that she would know the things in which she was wrong and correct herself accordingly. If the mistake is in her attitude (being anti-social), then you should remind her that in principle when giving advice one has to be soft and gentle. When addressing Moosa (Moses) and Haaroon (Aaron), may Allaah exalt their mention,  Allaah Says (what means): {Go, both of you, to Pharaoh. Indeed, he has transgressed. And speak to him with gentle speech that perhaps he may be reminded or fear [Allaah].} [Quran 20:43-44]

Moreover, ‘Aa’ishah narrated that the Prophet said: ''Whenever kindness is added to something, it adorns it; and whenever it is withdrawn from something, it leaves it defective.” [Muslim]

Allaah Knows best.