How to react to a wife who refuses her husband's requests for intimacy
22-7-2014 | IslamWeb
Question:
AsslamOAlaikum Sir, we are a Muslim couple with Pakistani background living in Germany, having two kids 3 and 8 years old. Since our second child was born my wife has started declining my requests of being together. Then in a heated argument I told she should pack up I'll provide one-way ticket, she took that as equal to Talaq causing a long deadlock between our relationships. I kept insisting there was no Talaq nor I meant this. At the end I gave up and I took her to a local Mosque for a Fresh-Nikah to satisfy her mind. After few days she started nerving me again. After patience of few months (deadlock on relations), in Febrary this year again we had heated argument , I told her it is end now - I told to look for some alternative of existence as she keeps making excuses on each request (of any kind). She asked me I need a talaq to leave - I told it takes long time for that and will consult someone on this issue. I personally like and love her, want to her as my wife, do not want to trouble her nor harm her, nor I want her be in helpless situation. I am happy that she take care of the kids at least and she does not need to work as I work for our existence. But at the same time I want her to take some responsibility and not to excuse each time, I do not ask too much - but minimal (a small piece of love would be enough). She always says I am sleeping already don't ask me anything. "Yar, hadd-harami di wi koi hadd hundi ai, is cheez da koi ilaaj vi hona chahi da ai." Currently I am near to end my patience and will look some halal alternative but I do not want my home be broken because of stubbornness of someone else. I want to give chance and want her as my wife fully. Is there some talaq between us or not? How many times can she refuse when I ask her for being together? Keeping me away I understand as she wants to enjoy just benefits only - not the bitter part (if she considers that bitter). Waiting for urgent reply. Thanks and JazakAllah! Yasir
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His Slave and Messenger.
The number of times when the husband repeats his request for his wife in this case cannot be estimated; as a wife should obey her husband as long as there is no valid and legitimate excuse to refuse his request. If a husband calls his wife to bed and she refuses with no valid and legitimate excuse, she is considered a recalcitrant wife (Naashiz). Please refer to Fataawa 85402 and 84120 on the best way to deal with the wife's recalcitrance.
You stated that you asked your wife to leave the house and said to her, “It is over!” In fact, such expressions do not constitute an effective divorce unless you held the intention of divorce while uttering them. These expressions are metaphors of divorce. Please refer to Fataawa 90416 and 92649.
However, we advise you to follow the steps explained in the Fatwa on the optimal way to deal with the wife’s recalcitrance. You may also seek the mediation of wise family members, if needed. If she stops being Naashiz, then nothing more is required; however, if she proves obstinate and persistently adheres to her recalcitrance, you may consider divorcing her. Divorce may be the greater benefit as a last resort. Ibn Qudaamah 
wrote, “The marital relationship between the spouses might become bad; it would be definite evil and harm for their marriage to continue if the husband is obliged to provide sustenance and shelter and keep his wife while their marital relationship is unbearable and they are in a state of continuous quarrel. This would be with no benefit. Such cases entailed setting a legislation for ending the marital relationship so as to put an end to the resulting harm.” [Al-Mughni]
Finally, it should be noted that you have the right to refuse divorcing her until she pays financial compensation for her separation.
Allaah Knows best.