Feeling guilty for hating abusive father
17-5-2016 | IslamWeb
Question:
Assalaamu alaykum. My dad abused me my whole life, both sexually, when I was young, and emotionally. For the past year, we have been estranged. Now he is dead, and I feel so much pain and guilt. I am questioning everything and fear that he might have tried to make amends but that I did not give him a chance. In the past few months, I would go to see him, but I could not really let him into my life as I was never sure about his intentions. I was not sure whether he was looking at me as a father or as an abuser. I have been praying for him and asking for forgiveness, and I have prayed to Allaah, telling Him that I forgave my dad for all the years of abuse, but I still cannot forgive myself and live in so much pain. Is there a way to make amends? And is there a way for Allaah to forgive me?
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah and that Muhammad 
is His slave and Messenger.
First of all, please accept our condolences for the death of your father, and we ask Allaah to forgive him and have mercy on him.
In general, the father is compassionate with his children, especially the females amongst them; so it is strange that your father was as you mentioned, that he abused you sexually and emotionally. The worst kind of zina (fornication or adultery) is incest. Imaam Ahmad narrated in his Musnad that the Prophet said, “Whoever commits incest, kill him.”
Ibn Hajar said in Az-Zawaajir, “The worst and gravest kind of Zina is incest.”
In case you were negligent towards your father, then repent to Allaah, because no matter to what extent a father is wrong, it is not permissible for his children to mistreat him. Please refer to fataawa 87019 and 84942.
We did not understand what you mean by saying, “I could not really let him into my life." What was required of you was to be kind to him. So if you did not harm him in any way, then you are not sinful. The matters of the heart, such as love and hatred and the like, are beyond a person's control, and you are not sinful for hating him for his actions.
The door still remains open for you to be kind and dutiful to your father after his death. Please refer to fataawa 89528 and 83233 to learn how to do that.
Allaah knows best.