Wife questions husband's grounds for divorce

30-3-2002 | IslamWeb

Question:

I am very confused I have been married for about 6 years and slowly my marriage doesn't seem to be working out. My husband also realizes this and says that we will see and then if things get very out of hand we will divorce. The problem is I am happy with him, however he says: 1) I am not satisfying him 100 percentage in physical relation. 2) As a wife I don't take care of the household properly. 3) We have 3 children it seems that I am not a good mother either. Personally I feel I am not doing any harm, I am lazy but I try to do it and I am improving slowly. He says that he can't wait and I am totally different from his expectation. Ok, if we are to divorce I want to know by Islamic law on what basis can he divorce me and if the children will go to him or me. To date I have looked after the children to the max. He is the only one he critics me, even his family members don't have any regrets on the way I bring up the kids. The children are girls.

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Answer:

Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the World; and may His blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions.
We ask Allah to settle your matters, make peace between you and your husband, and then, to help gain your husband's love and affection.
Dear sister, know that Allah has legislated marriage so husband and wife will feel comfortable with each other and has made love and affection, basic elements for this relationship. Allah Says (interpretation of meaning): {And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.} [30:21]. Thus, try your best to gain your husband's heart using all possible means.
Allah's willing, it is so easy to get rid of the problems, you mentioned in your question.
As for the matter of satisfying your husband sexually, you should make yourself to appear pretty, using perfumes, attractive dressing, etc. Show your love to him by flattery, sweet and affectionate words. Whenever he wants to have sex you should respond to him immediately, without any hesitation. Yet, in this case, we advise you to arouse his interest in having sex.
As for taking care of the house, you should try to keep it well-arranged and clean. Also, look after the dishes you prepare for your husband. In this regard you may seek help of expert sisters or you may benefit from recipes in cookbooks, etc.
As far as the matter of children is concerned, know that Allah made both of you i.e. you and your husband responsible for them. Thus, you and your husband both should look after their affairs, educate them well, etc. As a mother you should bear the great part of this responsibility.
As for laziness, seek Allah's protection from it. The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) used to seek Allah's protection from laziness morning and evening. So, spare no efforts to get rid of this bad habit.
If you act according to our advice, indeed you will gain your husband's love, respect, and he will never think to divorce you. Insha Allah.
As for the divorce, even though it is permissible one should avoid it. However, if the relations between a husband and his wife become so bad that there is no way to reconcile them then, the last step is to divorce her. In the same vein, Allah has also permitted a woman to demand Khula' (divorce at the instance of the wife who pays a monetary compensation to the husband) from her husband as a final solution.
In the case of divorce, the mother takes the guardianship of her children before the age of seven years. After that age a male child has the choice to select one of them, i.e. father or mother. If he refuses to select one of them, then lots may be cast to select one of them. A female child goes under the guardianship of her father after that age, i.e. seven years. All the above details are applicable as long as the mother is not married. If she gets married the guardianship will be transferred to the most deserving person for guardianship, i.e. to the mother's mother.
Know that if one of these persons has something that prevents his taking the children's guardianship such as dissoluteness or lewdness, then the guardianship will not go to him but to the most deserving person.
Allah knows best.