Abusive controlling husband
10-1-2005 | IslamWeb
Question:
I am an English Muslim of Al-Hamdu Lillaah, 7 years and been married to an Arab Muslim for 3 years. My husband is of the kind who like everything to be done perfectly (not to the best of one's ability, but better than that) he is also incredibly short tempered.
I have tried over the years to do as pleases him but he shouts abuse when he is angry with me and beats me severely always leaving marks. He says I am disobedient and answer back but I have tried so hard to improve myself and his beating me has broken my heart completely, when it began I asked him to stop because although I am not Arab and have English manners I am trying hard to improve but I make mistakes and beating me makes me hate him.
I have spent the last year asking a close friend of his to advise him who says what he does is thulm but he doesn't listen and says I am a bad wife, 6 months ago I left him when he beat me severely to stay with his friend and family (my family are non-Muslim) as I feared for my safety from him. He told me this was wrong and I have no right in Islam to do this and I disobeyed him by doing this. I studied and asked a lot of people but they all say that my act was correct. 3 months ago it happened again and this time I asked my husband to either stop beating me and we would return together or let me free (Talaaq). He promised he'd change and not verbally abuse me either. When we returned home he claimed not to have said such and said I had to do everything his way this time.
I respect the husband's authority in Islam but I feel my husband requires too much control to the point he suspects me in everything I do that I do things behind him.
I recently changed my name to an Islamic name and asked him beforehand, he said he wasn't happy so I left it, when I came back to him later in the day, I asked him again as I wanted for years to change my name officially. This time he said do as you want, I asked if he was sure and he said yes so I paid online (I also told him the price). The next day he claimed I hadn't told him and went behind his back and in a misunderstanding (language) he understood I told him I hadn't completed the form online. The next week the paper arrived and he lost control shouting me down saying I'd gone behind him and had told him that I hadn't completed the form nor told him the price, I answered back saying I had but he swore I hadn't then he pushed me to the ground. As I had been beaten so much over the years I cannot take anymore, I was close to mental breakdown from this and with Satan between us, I told him if he hit me I'd call the police, to which he took off his belt and beat me severely through thick clothes to leave black bruising over my back and arms. Because I was so upset I left the house when he didn't know and went to the police as I didn't know what else to do, there's no Islamic system here and I tried by advice of others over the last year but he thinks I gossip which Wallahi I don't I am simply trying to solve these problems. Now my husband is with police although I have dropped charges (I can't send Muslim to Kuffar imprisonment) and angry with me saying all is my fault and I am causing Nushooz.
Please advise me if I am correct to leave the home like this if he beats me and please advise me if my behaviour is wrong how I should behave, I try hard and am close friends with practicing Muslims who say it is him who causes Nushooz. Please can you give Fataawa for both what he does to me & my behaviour to him, often I don't understand I am wrong because I wasn't born Muslim, but I try hard. Allahu A'lam who is at fault but I still love him although his beating has broken my heart and he feels this is his right to do as I am a bad wife who answers back. I feel I do not and keep making Istikhaara and making Du'a for help from Allaah.
I feel useless and under oppression although Maasha' Allaah, my husband is the best of all men I have known in all other aspects.
I never go with me, nor remove Hijaab, nor refuse him in his rights in bed so I don't know what I do wrong.
Please advise in both English and Arabic so that I may, Inshaa Allaah pass to my husband when he returns Inshaa Allaah.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
If the matter is as you have stated in the question it is your right to go out of his house to a secure place, and to complain about him to whomever could repel the injustice that you are experiencing even by going to a non-Muslim. You are not considered a disobedient wife by doing so. We advise your husband to fear Allaah and we remind him about the narration of the Prophet 
who said: "Treat women kindly. A woman has been created from a rib (the rib is crooked), and the most crooked part of the rib is in the upper region. If you try to make it straight, you will break it; and if you leave it as it is, it will remain curved. So treat women kindly." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] The Prophet also said: "The best among yourselves are the best to their wives and I am the best among yourselves to my wives." [At-Tirmithi and others] Moreover, 'Abdullaah Ibn Zam'ah 
said that the Prophet once preached the people and admonished them about their wives and said: "How can a man whip his wife as if she is a slave, while it might be that at the end of the day he sleeps with her." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] Although Islam permits the man to hit his wife if she is disobedient when admonition and separating from her in bed were of no avail, but this hitting is allowed on the condition that it does not leave any marks or bruises on the body and that it will most likely yield beneficial results, like frightening the wife and bringing her back to the obedience of her husband, as a way of disciplining her and not taking revenge or following one's desires. However, even when these conditions are met it is better not to hit the wife. Imaam Ash-Shaafi'ee
said regarding hitting women: 'It is better for me if the husbands do not hit their wives as the Prophet said: "The best among yourselves do not hit."'
Allaah knows best.