Confused feelings about a marriageable girl
23-5-2005 | IslamWeb
Question:
Can you help me with a problem? Basically it is with regards to marriage. The issue is about a person whom I am interested in and need some guidance because I do not wish to follow it up if it will end in sadness.
Basically I have met the girl at work in the last few months and got to like her character and personal qualities very much as she is very similar to me in many ways. She does not wear Hijaab but I can see this is more out of her ignorance and upbringing than anything else, and she seems like a person who can be improved very easily. I know that we should look for someone who is already very pious but I feel weak myself and feel it would be better to marry someone similar to myself who I can develop stronger with together, instead of marrying someone who is already stronger than me.
The reason why I am asking about this is that I have never had a girl friend or anything like this in my life even though this is common practise where I live even among Muslims. However I have never really felt about a girl in this way. Another thing is that I have realized she likes me very much but I have tried ignoring this as I am not sure what exactly she may be interested in and I do not wish to give the wrong impression if nothing will come out of it. Another thing is that I do not think I would be getting married for at least another couple of years and so I just need to know whether she is for me or if I should leave it and move on.
Lastly, she is a different caste to me, which if I was to marry her would be a very unusual thing from where I come, and there may be some more obstacles to get over there, although in the end my intentions are purely for good Insha Allaah, and caste/color shouldn't be a factor in marriage.
I am not really sure what to do, and it has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I have distanced myself from her recently as I do not really talk to girls without reason and I can tell this has really upset her, so I just need an answer either way.
My question is basically regarding what to do. I feel too weak in faith to perform Istikhaarah for myself and am too scared the result would not be what I want. Therefore I wanted to know whether there was a way in which you may be able to guide me on this issue if I were to give you any details which you needed. Please can you keep this question private?
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
The most important thing that a person has to consider in a woman when he wants to get married is her religion and moral conduct. The Prophet 
said: "Choose the religious one, you will prosper". [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] Natural differences are not considered [in religion when getting married] and a good conduct is not enough without being religious.
Wearing Hijab is something that Allaah has prescribed on Muslim women, Allaah says (which means): {O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to bring down over themselves [part] of their outer garments.}[Quran 33:59]. By wearing it, a woman protects her religion, honour and dignity. For more details please refer to Fatwa: 89972.
If what you mean by her not wearing Hijab, is not covering her head or other parts of her body that must be covered according to the consensus of the scholars
then it is more appropriate for you not to marry this woman. First, you should try to convince her that wearing Hijab is obligatory on her. If she is convinced and wears it, then you may take the initiative to marry her after performing Istikhaarah prayer. But if she is not convinced and refuses to wear it, then there is no good for you in marrying her. Since she is neglectful of the Right of Allaah on her, she would be neglectful of the right of her husband. We think that you are more in need of a righteous wife who would remind you of your religious obligations and help you perform them.
However, if you mean by her not wearing Hijab that she does not cover her face, then you can marry her and endeavour to convince her to cover her face, as this is a controversial issue among the scholars.
It should be noted that the reality of Istikhaarah prayer is putting the matter is Allaah's Hands to choose for you what is best and more beneficial. The outcome of Istikhaarah is nothing but good, Inshaa' Allaah. However, its result could be contrary to one's desires. Nonetheless, having a weak faith does not prevent someone from performing Istikhaarah prayer as Allaah accepts the supplication of a non-Muslim if he is sincere in his supplication, so how is it that He will not respond to a disobedient Muslim, Allaah says (which means): {…and they assume that they are surrounded [i.e. doomed], supplicating Allah sincere to Him in religion, "If You should save us from this, we will surely be among the thankful." But when He saves them, at once they commit injustice upon the earth without right.}[Quran 10:22-23].
Finally, we advise you to avoid being negligent or disobedient, as these weaken the faith. Besides, you have to be keen on mentioning Allaah and performing acts of obedience and keeping company with righteous people, as these are the reasons of strengthening one's faith. Moreover, you have to avoid establishing any relationship with this woman outside of marriage as this is not permissible and it is one of the means that lead to committing fornication and/or adultery, we seek refuge in Allaah from that. What is permissible in your situation is to ask her hand for marriage if she is a righteous and religious woman as we have previously mentioned, if her parents agree, all the best, otherwise you have to stop thinking about her, taking into account that a woman in the process of engagement is a marriageable woman so you are not allowed to stay in seclusion with her or look at her or talk to her without a need.
Allaah knows best.