Afraid to reconcile with his wife

5-6-2005 | IslamWeb

Question:

I wrote to you before seeking Fatwa: 89520. I did everything I can in my power and ability to bring her back to the right path. I could not. Legal battle through out the court system in this country (N. America) is taking all. What I have now and in the future? I need to be able to one rescue my kids and second if I can bring her back to Allaah. I am suffering a lot. Emotions, financial and many more I may lose my kid's custody I may lose everything as well. She tells me sometime that she do wants to go back and restore life but the damages occurred in our lives are so sever to the point that I will not forget her actions nor she will and family friends and others will not either. Our lives will be more destructive being together again and better to end now in divorce. She also said that every issue on daily bases I will bring her action into the subject and will be always a rigid wall that will never come across.
I cannot hide that I have great deep emotions for her and I felt just lately that she does too. Should I believe this or not I cannot make a decision since I have gotten hurt before several times and bad feelings.
I proposed to her to reconcile and go to Umrah and attempt to put our lives back together. Sometimes seems to me she wants to do so but the great fear she has is that I will be very abusive, controlled and always refer back to her affair. She said that she cannot live like this for the rest of her life and the kids lives will be completely damaging in this way.
I also think that the other person still show up in her life and create a claps in her emotion by telling her that no way back no man will forget what you have done and you always be in this abusive controlled relationship if you go back to your husband after you committed affairs.
I am not sure which way should I continue. I am sure that I am hurting too much now seeing all of life and kids lives destroyed. Losing the person I hoped to end my life with and continue with her thereafter in heaven. Am I not seeing the right picture her and this life is over or I do not have enough faith in Allaah or Saboer. I do not know how should I continue my path. Should I continue to persuade her to come back or should I continue in divorce till the end even with the sever financial damages that I cannot afford for the sake of my kids. Or should I drop every thing and leave it to Allaah to make way out no matter what. Also, if she is sincere in her feeling and wants to come back how could we or could she for see the life after her affairs and our marital relationship would be since this represents a great obstacle in the way. How we could put back these parts of our lives back together with everyone knows what happen with no exception. Also what I do if she is NOT sincere and using my vernability of emotion to gain any success in court negotiation. I felt sever honesty in our conversation lately after I confronted her at last with all my anger and feeling inside. I felt there after that I am free and I do not have any anger or hate toward her or any body after which is surprising to me.
Please tell me what is the right path as per Allaah orders for the best of our lives at this time and how we could implemented in this country and what should I do to bring peace and Sakenah to my hart again. I am always praying to Allaah asking for Hedaayet and guidness in these difficult times and fast as many days as I can to close gap with Allaah but I am in great deep pain emotionally and feel cannot do anything about it or help myself or my wife or kids.
Answer:

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) is His slave and Messenger.

 

What you are experiencing now is the best example for the danger of going against Allaah's Commandments and the orders of the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ). Allaah Says (what means): {And obey Allaah and the Messenger (Muhammad sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) and beware…}[Quran 5:92]. Ash-Shawkaani may Allaah have mercy upon him interpreted the verse to mean: "Beware of going against Allaah's Orders and those of the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention )."

On the other hand, residing in a non-Muslim country is a widespread evil and it has bad effects on a person, his wife and children. Indeed, the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "Whoever keeps company with a non-Muslim and resides with him, is like him." [Abu Daawood] The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) further said: "I am free from any Muslim who resides among the polytheists (non-Muslims)." [Abu Daawood]

Besides, it is forbidden for a woman to work in a place mixed with men as that leads to adultery and fornication.

Hence, our advice to you is as follows:

1)     To repent to Allaah for migrating with your family to a non-Muslim country, if it was not due to necessity, while not being able to fulfil your religious obligations towards your family, and allowing your wife to work in a mixed place, because you are in a way a cause to such a sin and shame.

2)     You have to remind your wife of Allaah and His severe Punishment. You may seek, in doing so, the help of whoever knows her and could influence her, and you should make use of Islamic appropriate tapes and lectures. It might be that she would repent and return to Allaah.

3)     If she sincerely repents and it is evident that she has done so, then we do not see any religious harm in keeping her as a wife. However, if she committed adultery, she has to observe a waiting period, exactly the same as that of a divorced woman, and it is not permissible for you to have sexual intercourse with her until the end of her waiting period from the fornicator.

4)     If she did not repent or you are sure that she has not sincerely repented, then you are obliged to divorce her because there is no good in living with an adulterous wife. Indeed, many scholars may Allaah have mercy upon them are of the view that it is forbidden to keep an adulterous wife because Allaah only permitted us to marry chaste women. Allaah Says (what means): {(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers.}[Quran 5:5] Allaah also Says (what means): {The adulterer marries not but an adulteress or a Mushrikah (a female polytheist, pagan or idolatress).}[Quran 24:3]

In case divorce takes place, then the right of fostering the children is yours (the father). Since the mother is a dissolute person, that makes her lose her right in fostering her children. One Hanbali scholar may Allaah have mercy upon him said: "A slave, or a dissolute person, or a non-Muslim has no right in the fostering of children, and a woman who is remarried with another man than the relatives of the children loses the right of fostering them as well, as soon as the marriage contract is signed."

So you have to look for a righteous wife who would help you in your religious matters and in bringing up your children and you should forget this bad experience. Furthermore, you should not feel sorry for an adulterous wife who did not fulfil the Rights of her Lord and the rights of her husband. Instead, you should be keen in bringing up your children according Islamic principles and learn a lesson from what happened to you, because a believer should not be stung twice from the same hole [undergo the same problems twice], as per the saying of the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ). 

Allaah Knows best.

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