No sane person can deny the great role of the mother, especially the role that she plays in the life of her children providing them with care, love and compassion, and the difficulty and fatigue that accompany this. Hence, Allah The Exalted commands us to be good to parents by speaking kindly to them and lowering to them the wing of humility out of mercy - especially to those who are weak, namely, the mother, because of her altruism, kindness, favors and sorrows.
In spite of all these favors, giving and love that are offered with pleasure and satisfaction, there are still children who complain about their mothers and wives and who complain about their mothers-in- law. The husband's mother is sometimes a considerable factor in weakening the marital relationship or causing it to be tepid or even terminated. What, then, are the things that make the mother-in- law seem so imperious and bossy? What are the features of this imperiousness? Is there any hope for treating this?
Causes of the Problem
There are many reasons for the fissure in the marital and familial relations due to the interference and imperiousness of the husband's mother, some of which are:
1- The mother's coddling of her children since their early childhood, which makes the son a dependant person and like an empty vessel when he grows up, when he will thus follow the orders of his mother blindly and be like a dummy that needs to be moved by others. This makes him bitterly and coldly passive, which also makes him ineligible to make the simplest decisions, not to mention the most decisive and critical ones.
2- The husband's early death. The early death of the husband may cause worry and confusion in the life of the family - especially for the young wife who refuses whoever proposes to her because she has decided to dedicate her life to bringing up her children and, consequently, plays the role of both father and mother. She uses the authority of commands and prohibitions driven by many factors like her care and fear for her children. When her sons grow up and become married men, she feels that she has lost them and consequently interferes in their lives in order to feel that they are still close and obedient to her.
3- Complex environmental dregs. When the mother is affected, over the course of time, with many complex environmental dregs, abominable psychological diseases and the failure to understand the ideal relationship between parents and children, this increases her imperiousness and positive or negative interference in the life of her sons. Such dregs continue to appear from time to time and spoil one’s life as well as his relationship with others.
4- The absence of rational understanding. Many people, including women, are in dire need of rational understanding and deep insight about different matters, considering their consequences, finding the original factors behind them and ascribing them to their real causes. Rational understanding prevents a person from erring in his words and actions. If, for example, the mother has a large inheritance, in addition to what we have previously mentioned, and she helps her son financially in difficult times, this will cause her to be miserly with him from time to time to show that she is his real provider who has the right to direct and affect him, whether rightly or wrongly - and real danger lies here. The mother may also harbor diseases of the heart that cause her sudden troubles, which consciously or unconsciously affect her actions.
Manifestations of the Problem
We see today how a mother may reproach and speak harshly to her daughter-in-law and look askance at her because she kept her son away from her. If the daughter-in- law had wished to explain a certain viewpoint - as a means of advising Muslims - the mother would make a great fuss, her voice would become husky, her cheeks would burn with fury, her eyes would redden, and she might lose control and her tongue would, thus, utter painful statements. Moreover, her hands might assault the chaste, bright face of her daughter-in-law. If people come after hearing the cries, she would complain about her daughter –in- law saying that she abused her and that nowadays wives do not want their husbands’ mothers to share food with them.
Consequences of the Problem
This problem results in many evil consequences like discord and incoherence between the mother and the wife, along with the bewilderment of the son between them. Some of these consequences are:
- Agonizing psychological pain due to the disturbance of the nervous system and the commotion in the functions of the organs. It has been proven that anxiety, grief and self despair affect the different systems of the body, which may cause the disturbance of the functions of the organs. Truly, Allah The Exalted is truthful in His Saying (what means): {…and his eyes became white from grief, for he was [of that] a suppressor.} [Quran 12:84]
- Disabling the constructive faculties due to suppressing one's will. This reduces the real opportunity of making use of the wife's contribution and effort.
- Afflicting the wife with the disease of hesitation in most of her ideas as she is accustomed to refraining from making a decision or expressing how she feels.
- Causing the wife to lose the ability to form a correct idea about life as a result of imposing the inherited concepts by pressure and moral force.
Treatment
- Mothers should realize that marriage is one of the innate norms of the universe and that the father's attachment to his wife and children is absolutely natural. This is necessary to achieve the desired tranquility and mercy. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.} [Quran 30:21] If the mother realizes that, she will feel relieved and will consequently relieve the spouses. If memories take her a little bit back, she will realize that she once had her husband, who used to embrace her with his amiability, pity and compassion. If she remembers this, she will not denounce her son's care, love, compassion and pity for his family.
- The mother should know that her real happiness springs from the happiness of her children and grandchildren. She is like a tree around which all the branches curl so that everyone rests under its shade and enjoys its breeze.
- The son should read for his mother and wife - in a good familial session - chapters of encouragement and admonition about the critical points of marital life. Continuous reminder may render hard hearts into sympathetic, lenient, pitiful ones and remove their darkness.
- The wife should be patient and content with the Decree of Allah The Almighty and not be patient simply because she is compelled and obliged to be. This will cause her to attain divine rewards in everything that she does or leaves. She should supplicate to Allah The Exalted to expand the breast of her husband's mother, to refine her disposition and soften her heart towards her as after all she is the mother of her husband and the grandmother of her children and seeking her pleasure is part of faith in Allah The Almighty and His Messenger, .
- The wife should do her best to avoid answering her mother-in-law back, whether in times of pleasure or displeasure, and should seek the reward of Allah The Almighty Alone and neglect the right of herself, for if a person abandons something for the sake of Allah, He will compensate him with something better.
- The husband should advise his mother in the absence of his wife and should speak with his wife in the absence of his mother. He should also soothe with his compassionate heart the pains of his wife and console her from time to time. He should support her and drive her towards pardon and forgiveness. He should also tell her that Allah The Exalted is capable of turning monotonous days and miserable lives into a happy, easy, efficient and enjoyable life, in every aspect.
Only then will the storm end, the devil be vanquished, and the caravan proceed peacefully to its sought destination.