I received a letter from a girl in Damascus who narrates her story with her brothers at home. Her parents shower her with love and care, and her two elder brothers treat her well. However, her other brothers treat her cruelly and humiliate her as if she is a servant and scold her in the same way that a master scolds his slave when he makes a mistake. If any one of them wants to have dinner and she is late in setting the table or serves any kind of food that he does not like, he becomes furious and starts insulting and cursing her. He might even break the dishes and doors, and tear anything in his way, from clothes to furniture. After that he storms out furious and deserts her for days or even months.
In spite of all this, he pretends among his friends and acquaintances to be one of the kindest and most polite people who has the finest morals. At the end of her letter, the girl says, “Sir, can you explain to those people that we are human beings who have emotions and feelings, and that we are affected by good words just as we react to cruel words. We are not servants or hired workers, but rather are humans who have honor. In this context, a young girl committed suicide by throwing herself under the wheels of a train two days ago, and her body was torn into pieces. The reason was that she wanted to get rid of her misery as her family forced her to marry someone she hates.”
In fact, the cruelty that this girl faces because of the bad treatment of her brothers or the oppression that the other girl who committed suicide was exposed to often occurs in our homes. We still treat our girls in a cruel and humiliating way, especially in uneducated or poor environments. When a girl is born, we receive her with a frown. If she is the third or the fourth sister, her delivery would be a disaster which the mother dreads as she worries about the father's sadness and resentment! One night, I found a woman crying when her daughter was delivering a baby, so I asked her why she was crying at such a happy time. She said that it was the fourth daughter for her and that she was afraid that her son in-law may therefore hate her daughter and divorce her!
When the daughter is growing up at home, the first thing that she hears is a supplication against her for her to die, even though this may be done as a joke. If she asks for something and insists on it, we would scorn her and make her feel that she does not deserve to be given what she asks for. If she quarrels with her brother and hits him, we would hit her and shout at her in order to show her brother how much we seek to satisfy him so that he would feel reassured and content. As she grows older, we treat her as if she is a servant. She has to cook, do the washing and clean the house. We order her around in the same way that we order a humiliated servant. We do not even tell her an encouraging word, praise her, or give her a smile to show our satisfaction. After that, when it is time for her to marry, we make the decision without even consulting her. We accept, refuse, give, take, stipulate the conditions that we wish for and ask for the dowry that we want without asking for her opinion. When parents accept the suitor, the girl is taken to him unwillingly and dissatisfied. Woe be to her if she expresses her opinion or makes a sign of criticism, as then she would be considered a rude and impolite girl without morals!
The natural result of this bad treatment is extremely dangerous for society. Firstly, it implants a feeling of humiliation and weakness in her to the extent that when this girl becomes a mother, she will not be able to implant feelings of dignity and honor in her children as she herself lacks these feelings.
Secondly, the girl feels that she is oppressed. This feeling of oppression, along with the feeling of weakness, generates grudges and the desire to take revenge. The most dangerous thing for society is that families would be based on grudges and revenge as the wife would then take revenge on her husband and children. Because of this, quarrelling and disputes begin, love is lost and a series of endless problems begin.
Thirdly, it leads the girl to be unconsciously ill-mannered and not adhere to the traditions of her society, and makes her dissatisfied with life at home and its norms. If she is living in a strict atmosphere and is religious and loveable, she would suppress her feelings and live while being physically or psychologically ill. However, if she were to find an opportunity for freedom outside the house, she would do one of two things: suicide or dishonor.
This is the catastrophic effect of bad treatment at home and indicates a factor behind the rising crime rate. It is not enough to complain or that writers, Imams and scholars condemn this; rather, we have to treat this situation radically. There is no doubt that Islam has stipulated a good system for creating a generation of girls who are able to establish the society rather than destroy it, to establish a family, not escape from it, and to spread love and goodness and not evil and hatred. Islam has stipulated a sound basis for raising girls by condemning seeing the birth of a girl as an evil omen, as the Arabs would do in their pre-Islamic ignorance and as many people do these days. Why is a girl being born seen as an evil omen? What is her fault? What harm would be brought if she was brought up well? Why is the boy usually seen as superior to her? Are all girls bad omens and all boys glad tidings? Does the worry and humiliation of receiving the girl remove the catastrophe, if she really is one? Seeing a bad omen is considered foolishness. It is also considered opposition to the creation of Allah The Almighty as no one can change His Decree. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And when one of them is informed of [the birth of] a female, his face becomes dark, and he suppresses grief. He hides himself from the people because of the ill of which he has been informed. Should he keep it in humiliation or bury it in the ground? Unquestionably, evil is what they decide.} [Quran 16:58, 59]
Thus, the correct way in the Islamic perspective is to receive the girl with happiness and the wife should feel that she did not bring something that her husband dislikes. The husband too should make her feel that he is happy that she delivered the baby safely so that reassurance would be transferred from the mother’s heart to her daughter, so that she would be able to treat her daughter kindly and gently. When the daughter starts crawling and realizes what is taking place around her, she would perceive an atmosphere of love and honor. She begins to understand this atmosphere as she grows older. Thus, her father should play with her, her mother should hug her and her brothers should smile at her. This will make her love life, the home and the family. It would also make her feel that she has a good status in the hearts of her parents and siblings. It was narrated on the authority of Abu Qataadah, may Allah be pleased with him, that he said, “Once, we were sitting and the Prophet came while he was carrying Umaamah bint Abi Al-‘Aas ibn Ar-Rabee’, the daughter of Zaynab, who was a daughter of the Prophet . The Prophet then prayed while carrying the baby. When he prostrated, he put her down and when he stood, he carried her [on his neck].”[Al-Bukhari]
This is the way the father should treat his daughter even when he is worshipping Allah The Almighty. When she visited him, the Prophet, , would welcome Faatimah, may Allah be pleased with her, get up, take her hand, kiss her and then let her sit in his place. The father should not let his daughter feel that he is giving preference to her brother over her. On the contrary, it is favorable that the father should give her preference over her brother in giving gifts so that all the feelings of oppression or weakness would be removed from her heart.
As for bringing her up and educating her, Islam urges us to do this as the Prophet, , said: “If anyone has three daughters, and he nurtures them until he marries them off, and does good to them, he will enter Paradise.”His Companions asked, “And if he has two daughters, too?” The Prophet, , replied:“Yes.” Then they asked, “And if he has one?”The Prophet, , said:“Yes.”