Dear Muslim sister, Assalaamu ‘alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuh
Raising children is a weighty responsibility and a sublime art that is not perfected by all parents despite its importance and necessity. It seriously affects the children's direction and the formation of their personality. Consequently, it affects their future and their role in the family and society. Based on the Prophetic Hadeeth that speaks about sincerely advising others, I offer you the following advice, dear sister.
Favoritism is Destructive
Some mothers commit a gross mistake in the way they bring up their daughters by favoring the boys over the girls. This attitude may not be felt initially, but it sometimes comes spontaneously. Mothers do not pay attention to it and girls dare not discuss it. In the course of time, the attitude becomes a deep-rooted and serious issue. It may even develop into a social issue that has negative consequences on the girls as well as on the whole family.
Perhaps it is acceptable at times, when considering human nature, that a mother who gives birth to a boy after a number of girls is extremely happy at his arrival and might pamper him in many different ways. However, it is totally unacceptable to give him the absolute authority to beat and abuse his sisters, even those who are older than him. Unfortunately, some families are afflicted with this problem. In addition to the tangible chaos that the little pampered emperor makes at home, there is the psychological chaos that he creates in the life of his sisters. The mother forces them to serve him, coddle him and never hurt his feelings, even if he mistreats them.
This kind of treatment has negative effects on the girls’ life, and is also raw material and a scheme for making a young tyrant or an arrogant and wicked man. If he misses his future turn of crime, he will at least be aggressive and cruel, especially with the weak and the poor. This would not be amazing as he was raised in this manner. The real cause of this problem is the mother's inconsideration of her daughters' feelings and her unbounded love for her son. This sort of love unfortunately leads to dire consequences, and Allah The Almighty prevents this through the words of His Prophet, , who did justice to girls when he said: "Whosoever has a daughter and does not bury her alive, insult her, or favor his son over her, Allah will admit him into Paradise."[Al-Haakim – Authentic]
Beware of Violence
There are many mothers who perpetrate violence against their daughters and even against their sons, considering it the correct way to raise them. I am stunned to see some mothers biting their daughters and others beating them savagely. Some mothers burden their daughters with housework that is beyond their capacity. They do so under the pretext of teaching them something for their own benefit and for their future.
Dear sister, the children's upbringing, in its correct sense, infers great compassion, care and sound direction. It also means everlasting love, sound direction in instilling values and principles, and differentiation between the lawful and the unlawful, and between the permissible and the forbidden in a subtle yet effective manner.
Being violent when raising children is very dangerous. It buries their childhood alive when they are young and buries their happiness alive when they grow up. The girl always remembers the insults and humiliation that she suffered during all of the stages of her life. It should also be noted that the constant fear of punishment makes one commit a lot of mistakes or fear to take initiative. This consequently leads to total or incomplete passivity in the present as well as in the future.
What is even graver and what a lot of mothers do not know is that frightening the girl and destroying her personality and subjugating her make her an irresolute girl with a weak personality. It even makes her thirsty for love and compassion. She would then seek love from anyone, regardless of who he is. Cruel treatment has been the reason, in many cases, that made girls fall in love with the family chauffeur or the domestic servant. Also, fear was also the reason, in many cases, that made the girls give up the most precious thing that they possess because of being suppressed and because their families did not allow them to have an entity, which led to them having no sense of honor.
We and the Western Women
Unfortunately, many Arab women are extremely keen on imitating Western women in the way they live, the way they dress, the way they wear makeup, the way the have their hair cut and the way they walk. Nevertheless, they totally forget to imitate them in raising children, in their consideration of their children’s psychology, and in providing them with emotional stock since their birth. Why?
Although we do not at all approve of this imitation of non-Muslim women, we do think that if you are going to imitate them, then why do you imitate them in useless matters only? Why do you not imitate the good way in which they raise their children?
Why should you imitate them in what is vain, dear sisters, when you are better and more knowledgeable than them? You know about the Quran and the Sunnah. Our religion is a religion of mercy, so please reflect and learn. There are many Muslim mothers who give their children the finest and greatest of upbringings. Try to learn from them and follow the methods they use in raising children. Also, try to learn from them their keenness in giving their girls an education and protecting them and their chastity.
In conclusion, I would like to say that all human beings commit errors. Therefore, dear sisters, try to correct your mistakes, seek help from Allah The Almighty and then from your merciful Muslim sisters. Embrace your daughters and instill in them values anew. Do not be unfair, for wrongdoing will be darkness on the Day of Resurrection.