Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He Placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} [Quran 30:21]
The affection and mercy mentioned in the previous verse can only be attained through certain factors, like saying a gentle word, spending generously, forming close ties, possessing a dignified manner and performing good deeds. But, none of that can happen unless the spouses cooperate to create mutual understanding, take a positive step on the path of love and exchange affectionate feelings.
While this is useful knowledge for spouses, regardless of whether they are newlyweds or old couples, the words to follow are intended for those who have just embarked on conjugal life, as that is a very delicate stage in life that will have a significant effect on their future. Many young men and women may have a vague idea of reality and limited experiences of people’s conditions and ways of dealing with them. It is to them I direct my words, to enjoin them to live with each other in an atmosphere of affection and mercy, as per the aforementioned noble verse.
O brides and their grooms! Many of our people, men and women, have wrong notions about newly-married life that may destroy the peaceful, happy and pleasant life that every bride and bridegroom looks forward to. One of such false concepts that is fairly popular among common people, is that aggressiveness, perhaps to the point of violence, should be practiced in the first days of marriage. Further, excessive and blatant affectation, pretending to be what one is not and overburdening one’s self with massive marriage expenses, are clear mistakes and dangers that threaten domestic bliss and marital life.
My dear sons and daughters! Affection in marriage does not descend on us from the sky or spring from beneath our feet. If we do not exert effort and pursue the means to attain it, we never will. So, learn and benefit from the knowledge of scholars and those who experienced it after spending decades studying human conflict and resolution.
In every country, there are mottos that reflect local culture; some of them may be correct, while others are not. One of such proverbs detrimental to marital bliss in our country, for instance, is the one that says, “Cut the cat’s head on the wedding night.” This originates from the myth of a man who placed a cat in his new wife’s room and hid a knife under the pillow. When his newlywed bride entered, he used the knife to decapitate the cat, which scared her so much, that she took to becoming a meek slave of his, fearing that she could be punished with similar ferocity if she disobeyed her merciless husband.
This erroneous idea can only result in alienation between the spouses at a time when they are especially in dire need of intimacy, affection and harmony. Undoubtedly, starting a marital life in an atmosphere of terrorism, bloodshed and threats eliminates any and all possibility of enjoying any concord in the future. And if the marriage still holds somehow, it will be based on fear, grudge, hatred and deceit.
The first days of marriage form the most crucial phase of one’s life. It is of dire importance that both spouses be able to adjust themselves to their new life. Sure, some potentially damaging mistakes may be committed by either spouse due to misunderstandings, but this is a time of accustoming to each others’ habits, morals and traditions, with love and understanding. However, a stick, whip, knife and obstinacy in a man are negative and useless tools that cannot do any good, even if they are claimed to work for some rare, psychotic people. The truly successful husband is the one who wins the heart of his wife in the first days of marriage; and a successful wife is she who wins the admiration and love of her husband during this happy period, for, indeed, nothing begets goodness as goodness itself. Such a mutual attitude helps them create feelings of love, kindness, affection, appreciation and respect. With the passage of time and the emergence of new factors that tie the spouses together, we find these emotions enhanced and strengthened.
If we consider the rulings of the noble Sharee’ah, we will find rules that support this sound logic, as it is recommended in our religion for the bridegroom, even if he may already be married, to devote the whole first seven days after his wedding, to his new bride, particularly if she is a virgin. Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that “[i]t is the Sunnah that if someone marries a virgin and he already has a non-virgin wife, he should stay for seven days with her (the virgin) and then take turns [in spending nights with all his wives]; and if someone marries a matron, then he should stay with her three days, and then take turns.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
Islam also urges holding a marriage banquet in order to make the bride comfortable and let her feel important; this is even applicable in times of poverty and scarcity of resources.
Moreover, whoever contemplates the life of the Prophet, , with his family and wives, will certainly realize that violence, whether in the first days of or later in marital life, is unthinkable. The Messenger of Allah, , advised: “The best among you are the kindest to their wives and I am the kindest to my wives.”The Prophet, , used to cuddle his spouses, show affection to them and would joke with them.
Indeed, it is no less than an act of chivalry to honor a girl, who leaves her family to come to an unfamiliar house and a man she has never freely mingled with, until her feeling of strangeness disappears and she feels welcomed in surroundings that are full of love, kindness, intimacy and respect. Her husband, who has chosen her to be his partner and the mother of his children, should make her feel that her new house is neither a cage nor a jail, but an oasis of care and bliss, where she will live in continuous happiness, not in the heat of battles. The wife should also return these feelings with their like and make an effort to adapt to her new life. It would do both husband and wife good to abandon some inappropriate pre-marriage habits.
Hence, indeed, as a Hadeeth states, leniency is not found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and is not absent from anything but is thereby made defective. Violence, whether on the part of one or both spouses, creates grudges and constant glares and may lead them to suffer from psychological stress that will adversely affect their life and that of their children. In extreme cases, it may lead to mental illness or criminal behavior and their new life would become damaged and they will end up separated.
Furthermore, excessive pretension and overwhelming one’s self with debt in the first days of marriage is a kind of deception that has a negative effect on marital life. In fact, it is a kind of foolishness that harms the interest of the new family. Therefore, let us fear Allah The Almighty in our homes, adopt Islamic morals, abandon all foolish customs, whether old or new, and adhere to our religious teachings — for real happiness lies in them — and try to achieve affection and mercy through actually pursuing it. In doing so, we may be able to establish merciful and loving families that our Ummah needs in its coming renaissance, Allah willing.