Every human needs to be appreciated and loved, and to have this love expressed in many different forms and in many situations. There is nothing more beautiful or pleasant than a word of love between spouses whose hearts have been united by Allah The Almighty in lawful matrimony, making them sufficient for each other and filling each other’s emptiness. If a husband neglects his wife without trying to respond to her emotions, problems will emerge. It will be a disaster if another man notices this emptiness and tries to fill it in an unlawful way.
Society excuses husbands who marry another wife, saying that perhaps the first wife failed to satisfy their needs, but we need to ask what a wife should do when she misses appreciation and love from her husband. This is a message for every husband who considers love to be a weakness, appreciating the wife as recklessness, and good words to be a waste of time.
Wives’ Complaints
Khadeejah ‘Abdullaah, an employee, says “My husband stops talking to me for days, even though we live with our extended family. Everyone notices that he talks to everyone except me. He always accuses me of being unclean and careless about my home. I work more than half the day and return home tired. He does not help me and all my salary goes to the family.”
Umaymah ‘Aabid, a teacher, said, “I married him when he was a student. I worked and supported him and his sisters. Once he had a job opportunity, he left me, went abroad, and married a nurse. He gives token sums of his money and time. The relation between us is almost severed. Where are appreciation and gratefulness, let alone love?”
Basmah Ahmad, an employee, says “I helped my husband when he was a humble, penniless employee. I gave him money that he used as capital for a small project which Allah The Almighty had blessed. In the beginning, he would come and ask me for advice and we led a happy life. When he became rich, he also became stingy and he only gives us the minimum amount that is necessary for us. He favors his relatives over us. Then he married another wife. This drove me to hate life and see that there is no such thing as appreciation, let alone love.”
On the other hand, Nusaybah ‘Abdur-Rahmaan, a housewife, says, “My husband cares for my feelings, especially in front of his family, helps me at home and always defends my rights. This increases my love and appreciation for him. You cannot give what you do not have; I can give my husband love because he has given me love.”
Incorrect Upbringing
With regard to the effect of upbringing on the way in which men fail to appreciate their wives, Dr. Ahmad Al-‘Amri, professor of Psychology at Cairo University, says,
The mistake that parents make when they are raising their children is that they regard the male to be superior and distinguish between the male and the female. The girls serve the boys. The boys eat and the girls clear the table. On the weekend, the boys sleep late while the girls help the mother with the housework. The boy throws his clothes everywhere around the house for his sister to gather and put in order. He orders her around. The boy is raised to believe that he is superior and that girls are inferior.
A mother is the example of a woman to the boy; when he sees her being degraded, he gets used to the idea. When he grows up he has the same attitude toward his wife that he had towards his sister and so his wife then is also degraded. We wrong our children, ourselves and others when we raise our children this way. When the boy becomes a man, his way of dealing with the other [the wife] is rough and austere because he did not grow up in an atmosphere of love and affection, and was not taught that a man could not be faulted for expressing love and appreciation. A boy who is raised in an atmosphere of love and is taught to show appreciation will be keen on expressing his appreciation and gratitude about any good thing that his wife does; he will express his admiration for a nice dress that she wears and will praise her efforts. In him doing so, she will feel appreciated and her life will be enhanced.
Dr. Yoosuf Qaasim, a professor of Sharee‘ah at Cairo University, tells us about the Prophet, , and his manners with his wives, may Allah be pleased with them, as well as his appreciation for them. The wife is the nearest human to a man; so, she should be treated generously. The Prophet, , said: “The best ones amongst you who are those who are best towards their wives.” Anas ibn Maalik, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “I served the Prophet for ten years, and he never even said to me, ‘Fie’ and never asked me why I did this or why I did not do that.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] If this was the manner of the Prophet, , with his servant, how was his manner with his wives?
There are many situations where the care of the Prophet, , for his wives was manifested. When his wives, due to their jealousy of the great beauty of Safiyyah bint Huyayy, may Allah be pleased with her, scoffed at the fact that her father was Jewish, the Prophet, , comforted her and said to her: “Reply to them saying I am the wife of a prophet, my father was a prophet and my uncle was a prophet,”referring, of course, to Moosa (Moses) and Haaroon (Aaron), may Allah exalt their mention. If any one of his wives got angry with another one, he would judge kindly in favor of the wronged party. When ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, once broke a utensil that belonged to Hafsah, may Allah be pleased with her, he ordered her to give Hafsah another one like it. Even in his final illness, he asked his wives permission to be nursed by ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, in her room. This was his manner with his wives. Every Muslim needs to emulate him because he, is the finest example for every believer. In our religion, a good word is considered charity and a wife is the worthiest person of her husband’s charity.
Highlights
Never place your wife in any of these situations:
The wife works hard to prepare a delicious meal for her husband, hoping for a ‘thank you’, but all she gets is, “My mother cooks better than you!”
The wife dresses up and waits for her husband, then he arrives and acts as if he hasn’t seen anything noteworthy and declines to comment.
The husband humiliates his wife in front of his family and speaks about her disparagingly.
The husband never says to his wife a word of love or praise.