Coping: physically and spiritually
If a woman undergoes a miscarriage, it is important that doctors conduct tests of the couple or of the miscarriage tissue to detect the cause of the miscarriage in order to prevent it. Doctors usually check for genetic problems and infections and may conduct blood tests to detect dormant diseases, blood disorders or hormone imbalances. The biggest cause of repeated miscarriages is that women are not tested or correctly diagnosed after the first mishap, causing the problem to recur.
The usual medical advice for women who have undergone a miscarriage is to put the loss behind them, give their bodies time to recover by following a healthy diet and exercise routine and not to give in to the destructive cycle of guilt, depression, anxiety and self-blame that follows it.
Some positive ways to cope with pregnancy loss:
Acceptance: Allah says (what means): “No calamity befalls save by Allah's leave. And whosoever believes in Allah, He guides his heart”[Quran 64:11]
As Muslims, we believe in Qadr – good and bad -- and when we are faced with trials we have been instructed by the Prophet, , to say: “Qaddar-Allahu wa maa shaa’a fa’al” (Allah decreed, and He does what He wills). Acceptance of Allah’s decree gives a person security and mental peace, since all that befalls us happens with the will and knowledge of Allah, and not because of something we did or did not do. This belief automatically puts an end to feelings of guilt and self-blame and makes us accept Allah’s will with an open heart.
Patience: Allah says (what means): “And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the steadfast, Who say, when a misfortune strikes them: Lo! we belong to Allah and Lo! unto Him we are returning. Such are they on whom are blessings from their Lord, and mercy. Such are the rightly guided” [Quran 2:155-157].
Everyone is faced with two options in times of trials: Either they rebel against the will of Allah and lose their reward and weaken their faith, or they choose to react with patience for the sake of Allah and remain pleased with His decree, with good grace.
The Prophet, once consoled a woman who was overcome with grief and she reacted angrily without knowing who he was, upon which he said: “Patience is at the first instance.”Patience comes only from cultivating it as a daily habit in our everyday affairs in order to be pleased with Allah and with a desire to be pleasing in His eyes. The reward of a woman who remains patient is unimaginable, in fact, the Quran mentions that Allah is with the patient people and loves them.
Prayer: Allah says (what means): “Seek Allah’s help with patient perseverance and prayer: It is indeed hard except to those who are humble.” [Quran 2:45]
It is a quality of believers that they face adversities with patience and prayer, even though it may be difficult. A woman may be inclined to indulge in self-pity and other negative emotions that distract her from remembrance of Allah and His worship. But the key is to avoid such distractions and to find comfort in remembering Allah by reading the Quran, daily Ath-kaar and worshipping Him. It is rightly said: “There is no refuge from Allah, except towards Him.”
Learning from past examples: In the history of Islam, Muslim women have shown great spiritual strength and patience in times of trouble. Reading about the lives of the Mothers of the Believers, women companions of the Prophet, while reflecting on the manner in which they dealt with personal losses could serve as inspiration. They too were women and had normal emotions, but their faith helped them face troubles and recover from setbacks without falling into depression or hopelessness.
Support: Undergoing a miscarriage is an experience that takes a while to recover from physically and spiritually, since the pregnancy hormones are retracted by the body slowly, causing an effect similar to post-partum depression or the “baby blues”. It is not a sign of weakness to seek support from other sisters who may have experienced the same situation, or who are knowledgeable in matters of health or even seek professional help. Muslim women are the building blocks of a community and must contribute to each other’s well-being. If you know someone who has undergone a miscarriage, treat them with sensitivity and offer them support without waiting to be asked to help out.
Acquiring knowledge: If you have been diagnosed with a medical condition, try to read about it and gain knowledge to benefit yourself and others who are in the same situation.
Regarding the loss of an unborn child, the Prophet, , said: “ By the One in Whose hand is my soul, truly the miscarried child will certainly drag its mother with its umbilical cord to Paradise, provided one expects recompense.”[Ibn Maajah and Ahmad]
In another narration, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “The Believer is not tried by fatigue nor illness nor anxiety nor difficulty nor harm nor distress - not even by a thorn that pricks them - except Allah Most High erases some sins with it.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
No doubt undergoing a miscarriage can be a devastating experience, but dealing with the situation patiently and positively has an assured reward.