SALMA SANWARI
Most Muslim women understand the meaning of the Hollywood-popularized saying, “Pay it forward,” doing kindness to others in need because someone did good to you when you were in straits. Long before Benjamin Franklin explained the concept to Benjamin Webb in an April 1784 letter, apparently having given him a no-pay loan, the Qur’an enshrined an even higher charitable spirit in the wonderfully lofty notion of “giving for the Sake of God”:
Allah Almighty Says what means: {And [know that] whatever good you [believers] spend, it is for [the good of] your own souls. So whatever you spend [in charity], do so seeking only the Face of God. Thus whatever good spend shall be rendered to you in full and never shall you be wronged [in the least].... Those who spend their wealth [for the sake of God], by night and by day, secretly and openly they shall have their reward with their Lord. And there shall be no fear upon them [when they assemble for Judgment]. Nor shall they ever grieve [over the life of the world]} [Quran 2:272-274].
Many Muslim women practice this daily. We know some who virtually live to do good for others volunteering at their children's school, visiting the sick and new horn, carpooling and cooking for friends in need. We all know them because at one time or another we all become one of them. We are women who care for others while managing to look after ourselves and the sacred trusts that are ours. But how do we find that gentle balance between caring for others and ourselves without going to an extreme on either end? How do we toe that tender line between bestowing unto others and ourselves, between giving and getting?
Balancing between others and ourselves
Women, I think, find particular happiness in doing for others. We bake a cake for someone who just had a baby and feel good. We pick up the children of a morn busier than ourselves with a sense of pleasure. We offer an attentive ear to a sad friend and grow comforted ourselves. There is so much we can do for our friends and family in every day, little favors and extras that make someone else’s life a little lighter.
Most of us are overwhelmed with our own work, school, children and family, but still make the time and put the energy into a considerable amount of thinking about vet others. We know what it means to go above and beyond what we consider our simple duty. It is our Muslim obligation to be good to our neighbors, for instance. But so many of us go further and knock on our neighbor’s door every few days to be sure she is well and to see if she has a need we might help out with.
Islam binds us to due civic responsibility. But many Muslim women take considerable time out to volunteer for community service in programs at the local masjid or school, cleaning up the neighborhood, or working on charitable drives for the poor. Many among us donate toys and gifts to local hospitals to cheer up children. And how many of us wear a perpetual smile, making everyone who sees us happier and calmer.
But what happens when we have to decide between doing for ourselves and someone else? The answer might seem easy: Do first yourself and then your sister. Airline attendants tell us to apply our own oxygen masks in an emergency before assisting anyone else. This makes perfect sense. We cannot be much help to others if we cannot breathe ourselves. This can be true in our day-to-day lives, as well. If we are not fair to ourselves with proper care, we won’t be able to adequately meet the needs of others for very long. And that’s bad all the way around.
So it makes sense to take time out to tend to our own emotional, intellectual, spiritual, physical, and even imaginative needs—if for no other reason than to recuperate to better serve others!
Here are eight things you can do, sister, to give you that replenishing cognitive, affective, or devotional pick-me-up. When we are pressed for time (meaning always), take a little relieving time out, comfort yourself, and depressurize.
Nurturing "Me-Time"
1. Do something just for you: Take a long, hot bath. Read a good book. Take a walk by yourself (no strollers!).
2. Get physical: Do something that’s going to make von feel good because it’s making you look better!: Exercise. Get a massage or facial. Get your haircut. Take time to make a knock-out salata lunch. Then sit down and dig in.
3. Visit a friend: Go see someone you Jove to be with, not have to attend.
4. Halaal indulge! No excess, just get some good, wholesome pleasure. Sometimes, the smallest delights bring on the biggest smiles. So, next time you’re to the market, detour to) the candy store and get that piece of chocolate you’ve been dreaming of (and don’t feel guilty). Or stop at the coffee shop between the dry cleaners and the grocery store and grab your favorite bean, It’s okay to treat yourself now and then to a small luxury that usually don’t feel you have the time or money for, It’ll remind von of your own worth—and everyone else’s.
Calm your life – calm your spirit
The prior four commandments are quick and easy pick-me-ups. But if want more durable elevation, you need to modify your life a bit, “de-stress” for the long haul. These changes will actually make it easier for you to get on with your personal mission of helping others. Try this:
1. Rest well. Get the sleep you need at night. If you are not well rested, you'll feel moody and sluggish in the day. That makes you less likely to be effective in your efforts to aid others. But most of us require less sleep than we think. Too much makes you groggy. When you surface in the dark, don't just sink back. Remember Allah. Get up. Make wudhu, and offer a few rak’ahs.
2. Eat right. Don’t charge so hard that you forget to eat healthy. Many moms snack because they don’t have time to eat daily, balanced meals. Change this and find yourself more energetic, healthier, and better role models.
3. Be comfortable. Wear comfortable clothing that makes you feel good not slouchy. This’ll give you that spring in your step that you just can’t get if you’re off in a mad dash, haphazard and unkempt.
4. Organize your good deeds. Don’t let life overwhelm you. Be methodical and strategic about what needs to get done. Then check it off. Accomplishment is rewarding in itself. It creates a natural high that motivates moving on to the next task. This is the secret big “mo” that keeps most women giving and giving. It’s a “circle of life kind of thing.”
5. Schedule devotional rememberance. At the end of the day (or in the beginning or middle) show Allah gratitude for the opportunities He’s afforded you. He gave you the chance to do good unto someone. Now remember He will reward you for it, to hoot! So show thankfulness to Him for the health, wealth, strength, will, energy, and time that Allah gave you that helps you to be able to do all that you do—and, for His Sake alone.
Sister, nothing pays it forward like hasanat (good deeds)!