BY MICHELLE AL-NASR
Okay folks, here it is. Let’s talk about what no one else wants to discuss. Single women and sex...yes, it’s the “S” word. And, I am sure we’ll get a little more graphic as we move right along in this article. I am about to be outright straightforward on this subject, so those with a weak stomach may want to drink a glass of milk, have a seat to get through this with me.
First off, I’d like to state upfront and get it right there on the table: we all need love—each and every one of us. We all need to feel loved and have that special closeness. It is a natural part of being a human being, it is how we were created and there is nothing wrong with it— nothing to be ashamed of if you have these feelings. What is unnatural is to be someone celibate for life (for no good reason)....that is just wrong.
But perhaps temporarily going through celibacy is not a bad thing, that is, when you are single woman . . . there is no other option. I will get into the why’s of that later—because there are a lot more than some might think. So, when you are a Muslimah and single, how do you handle it? It can be SO lonely, so tiresome. What do you do? What can one do? How to cope?
It’s not easy…and there is not a simple solution, save one, and that is marriage.
Love is sexy, but is sex love?
The whole idea of falling in love with someone is so sexy really... it is so unbelievably appealing. God help us all, we are so bombarded with the notion at every turn. It’s on TV even in children’s animated films. I mean, if those ridiculous cars can fall in love, why can’t I find the love of my life? At least, I am a human being, I can really talk!!
Love is idealized, especially in the West. It is sold and promoted in every way imaginable...and I don’t have to lecture you on that. You know it’s true. But, what is so sad is that advertising (among other things) has confused sex with love—and they are in no way the same thing. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can have love. In Islam, there have been so many rewards attached with marriage itself, and fulfilling a person’s sexual needs through the sanctity and bond of marriage that literally sex in the bounds of a marriage is rewarding two-fold, both physically and spiritually.
Real love doesn’t happen, at least far the most part, at first sight. First sightings are merely far the eve. What does happen at first sight is lust, and only lust. It is the physical attraction that draws one’s interest in the beginning—not love.
Real love vs. lust
Once someone emailed me a poem at work, and this is what it said:
“All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand.” -quote by Ella Wheeler Wilcox
I sat there staring at my computer screen, thinking, “That is so true. Nothing else could be so clear.”
Love is built over time, through mutual care and understanding . . . it does not happen in a few interactions. Lust, on the other hand, can begin and end in an instant. Love is lasting, while lust is temporary. Love is patient, while lust is impatient and impulsive. Love makes you feel joyful and inspired, while lust only offers you shame and regret.
There is one thing to be certain, love and lust should never be confused.
I hope you don’t blame or judge me for the quote I am about to use. I am using it simply because it gives so much clarity on this issue of love and lust. And, just as I would use a quote, if relevant, from anyone else I use the following with the same intention:
“You know what love is?
It is all kindness, generosity.
Disharmony prevails when
You confuse lust with love, while
The distance between the two
Is endless. [Rumi]
It is the last line that caught my eye in particular: “the distance between the two is endless.” How true.
A single Muslimah must constantly be on her guard to prevent confusing these two emotions, and sometimes it can be difficult if one is lonely.
A solution for solitude
Marriage is an amazing alternative to being single. Muslim women should avoid living single for an extended time. In Islam, being married is a major part of the deen (religion).The Prophet Muhammad said: “Marriage is my way, (i.e., Sunnah) and a person who disdains to follow my way does not belong to me.”
So, living single for any extended period of time is—although not haram—is essentially going against the Sunnah of the Prophet .
But, you know, I am all for women’s rights. I know women can do it all. We can make our own money; we can raise the kids and take care of the home. There is nothing we can’t do ourselves.... Well, almost.
We can’t be fathers. No woman can replace a dad. We can fill in if we have to, but it is not the same thing.
Like everyone else, we need that family unit. Our children need a Family unit— and a family unit includes a mom and a dad. A husband and a wife —a partnership.
For men or women, living alone and unmarried only invites sin into our life. We maybe strong for a while, but eventually Satan starts whispering and the longer we stay alone the louder he gets.
One quote on this subject; I hope you will appreciate as I do:
“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.” - by Pearl S. Buck
I don’t know much about Pearl Buck, but she is right.
True love awaits
So, what to do about marriage? How to find a mate? How can we attain true love through a marriage contract?
If you are a single Muslimah and want to marry, for God sake (and I know that can be hard to do) don’t start looking online. Visit your community, talk to those closest to you. Make a list of the things that matter most to you so you will know what to discuss. Be your own investigator––check him out through friends of friends of friends. I know that you realize that, but this is, after all, someone you are considering spending the rest of your life with.
And once you decide to meet with someone, talk about things on your list and make sure you have some things in common-—now and in the future. Common goals always make for a better relationship.
The Islamic marriage contract and ceremony itself can seem dry compared to the lavish ceremonies we see on television. But, what matters is intention and sincerity.
Here’s another quote I love from Thomas Carlyle: “The merit of originality is not novelty; it is sincerity.”
This aspect matters more than the world when searching for your life-mate.
Does love come right away in a contractual marriage? To be quite frank with you, the answer is no, not always. But, on average, studies show these types of marriages are lasting. I know you have heard it a million times over, but developing a bond of friendship with your spouse is what will last. Attraction comes and goes over time, but a strong friendship and love only strengthens.
My hope is that this article help those who are still single think a little more beyond what we already know about the difference between lust and love.
True love and sexual happiness awaits you through the sincere bond of marriage, and that is something that is truly worth waiting for and worth saving yourself for upholding your dignity and self-respect is paramount to your mental well-being and that of your children should you have any.
Always keep this in the forefront of your mind as you go about your life as a single woman:
You are a Muslimah. And to accept anything less than the sincerity of an Islamic marriage is simply beneath you.
And then, start seriously looking for a good Muslim man to marry my friend because Satan never sleeps.