Father: I told you to clean your room.
Child: But I don't know how to do that!
Father: I said clean the room! Don't you understand? Does this need any explanation? You are old enough and you can do this by yourself. If you clean your room, I will buy you whatever you like.
Child: Really, Dad?
Father: Yes, my dear boy. However, if you don't do so, the consequences will be bad.
After cleaning the room…
Child: Dad! I cleaned my room.
Father: Do you call this cleaning?
Child: I did my best, Dad.
Father: Why didn't you clean under the bed? Remove the dust from the glass? Arrange the clothes?
Child: I forgot to do that, but I will do it now.
After cleaning the room again...
Child: I have cleaned everything!
Father: Good! Well done!
Child: I deserve the prize now, right?
Father: Yes, you deserve it!
Child: You told me that you will buy me whatever I want.
Father: Yes, I did say that. What would you like me to buy you?”
Child: I want you to buy me a motorcycle!
Father: What, a motorcycle?! That is too expensive, and I can't buy it now.
Child: But you said that you would buy me whatever I wanted.
Father: But you should ask for something reasonable.
Child: But I want a motorcycle and nothing else.
Father: I don't like those who talk and argue too much, you have to ask for something reasonable or I will buy you nothing.
Child (weeping): But I love motorcycles!
The child then returns to his room that he has just cleaned feeling remorse for every second he had spent in cleaning it. At the same time, he has lost confidence in his father’s repeated illusionary promises that he never fulfills. He closes the door and falls asleep.
Dear educator, be precise, logical and motivating. In the light of the previous story, let us ask the following questions:
Was the father precise and logical in his request? Did he succeed in motivating his child?
Dear parent, let us answer the following three questions:
First: Was the father precise (in his orders and requests)?
Why do parents always think badly of their children if they refuse to respond to their orders or if they respond wrongly? Why do we immediately accuse the child of negligence?
In fact, we should accuse ourselves in many cases and inquire, “Were we precise in our demands from the child?”
Was it sufficient for the father to ask his child to clean his room? Is this request sufficient or does it need some clarification?
The reward that the child will receive when he obeys his parents represents the real incentive that makes him feel confident and strong. Therefore, the parents who are not specific with their children when they give them orders unintentionally lead their children to failure.
For example, the father could have explained his request to his child from the beginning in the following way:
· Use the broom when cleaning the floor
· Arrange the clothes and put them in their place
· Remove the dust from the glass and furniture
Putting it this way helps the child to know what is exactly required of him easily. In such a case, if the child does something wrong, then he, rather than you, would be the negligent party.
Specification and clarity is required in motivation:You should not tell your child that you would buy him whatever he wants if he does such-and-such. That is because the child has an intrinsic powerful imagination and there is no limit to his demands. Therefore, if you are not specific and do not respond to your child’s requests, he will be disappointed and will lose confidence in his father’s promises and incentives. On the contrary, such motivation will turn in the future into frustration.
This explains what happened in our story. The child asked for a motorcycle, and the father could not fulfill this difficult request and the result was disappointment and frustration.
The father has to be specific even in motivating his child. For example, he could motivate him by saying, “If you clean your room, I will allow you to watch a cartoon.”
Likewise, the parents should be specific in punishment. Therefore, it is unfavorable to tell the child, “If you do not do such-and-such, the consequences will be bad.”
The punishment should be specific. For example, one should say to his child, “If you do not do such-and-such, you will not have any pocket money, or you will not play video games, watch a cartoon movie, and so on.”
The father should choose the most effective (not severe) punishment, because unspecified punishments encourage the child to be careless as long as he does not feel its effect on him.
However, the best thing that you can do to be specific in your demands from your child is to arrange your room in his presence. In other words, you should be an example to your child just as the Prophet, , was the best example to his Companions. The Prophet, , was the perfect example of the educator that people follow. He used to be ahead of his Companions guiding them in wars, and encouraging them to spend in the cause of Allah The Almighty. He was also ahead of them when they were digging the trench and he endured hardships and treated his wives well.
My dear educator, you should know that giving a clear message is considered one of the key introductions to good education. Parents should tell their children exactly what they want them to do, and how they want them to do it. They should also determine when their children act properly or improperly.
Second: Was the father logical in his demands and the expected results?
Many parents ask their children to do things that exceed their ability or age. Therefore, they are in fact leading them to failure, especially when they expect excellent results. An example of this is when a parent asks his three-year-old child to wash the dishes or clean the room.
On the other hand, many parents degrade their children’s abilities and ask them to do what they cannot accept, because they can actually do more due to their age and mature mind. For example, when the mother asks her ten-year-old child to sit so that she can study every single word with him, she is in fact asking her child to do something that he cannot bear. That is because this implies an offence and accusation of ignorance. However, the mother expects excellent scores at the end of the year, while she has made her child completely dependent upon her.
The parent should be logical in what he asks his child to do and the results he expects. This requires taking two things into consideration:
1- The child’s capabilities including his age, strength, intelligence, vitality and self-confidence
2- The nature of the request itself
Then, the parent should compare the child’s capabilities and the capabilities that are required for responding to his request after avoiding and treating the physical and the psychological problems.
The parent should understand the Quranic verses in which Allah The Almighty Says (what means):
· {Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.}[Quran 2:286]
· {Allah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it.}[Quran 65:7]
By understanding these verses, parents can successfully compare results and judge whether or not they comply with their expectations of the child.
Third: Was the father motivating?
This point is very important because the human soul likes praise, and treating disobedience through encouragement is one of the most important educational methods. The effects of this encouragement upon the child include generating consciousness of success in the work for which he has been rewarded. Of course, this satisfies the child’s motivations and activates his learning habits in the future. The result would be strengthening the child’s confidence and encouraging him to be more adventurous, creative and determined.
This method is very important in encouraging children, however, the following issues should be observed:
· This should not be the only method, namely, the parents should not use this method in cases when they see that there is a necessity for punishment. There should be a balance between reward and punishment.
· Motivation should be specific and precise, as we have mentioned.
· Parents should fulfill their motivational promises under all circumstances.
· Parents must implement their warnings if the child did not keep his promise.
· The motivation should not be exaggerated.
· Motivation should be using something loved and desired by the child.
Dear parent, you can also use some words to praise your child when he obeys you such as “I like the way you handled this”, “I know you well and I am sure that you will behave properly,” or “I think you can do it”.
Finally, dear father and mother do not forget when you ask your child to arrange his room, for example, you should be specific and explain things to him. Do not ask your child to do anything that exceeds his abilities. Likewise, be specific in motivating your child.