Let us discuss the factors that help in maintaining ties of kinship and the code of ethics that we should observe with our relatives.
Among these ethics is reflecting upon the consequences of maintaining ties of kinship. Knowing the fruits of something and visualizing its results is one of the greatest motives for performing an act. The same applies to considering the repercussions of severing ties and thinking of the troubles, distress, heartbreak and regret it entails, which helps one to avoid it.
One of the factors that help in maintaining ties of kinship is seeking the help of Allah The Almighty, asking Him for guidance and aid in maintaining the bond of kinship. It is recommended to return the unkind treatment of relatives with kindness as this preserves mutual love and alleviates the effect of the aggressive treatment one may receive from some relatives. That is why aman came to the Prophet, , and said,“I have relatives whom I maintain ties with, but they cut me off, and I treat them kindly, but they deal badly with me. I am gentle with them, but they are harsh to me.”The Messenger of Allah replied: “If you are as you say, it is as if you are feeding them hot ashes; you will have a supporter from Allah against them, as long as you continue to act the way you are.” [Muslim]
Imaam An-Nawawi said, explaining the Hadeeth (narration),
'Hot ashes' is used as a metaphor to demonstrate that such relatives bear as much guilt as the pain and agony experienced by the person who deals with them. As for the one who treats such relatives kindly, there is no argument against him, rather they are the ones who commit a grievous sin by mistreating and harming him. It was also said that it means that you dishonor and degrade them, because of your good treatment in spite of their evil and shameful deeds before themselves as he who eats hot ashes. Others said it means that what they eat from what you give them burns their guts as if it were hot ashes. Allah knows best."
This Hadeeth consoles many people who face the test of having aggressive relatives who return kindness with abuse. It also encourages those who maintain ties of kinship to continue to abide by an exemplary way. Allah The Almighty is with them; supporting, helping and rewarding them.
One shall also accept the excuses of his relatives in case they make a mistake then apologize. Here we mention the beautiful reunion that took place between Prophet Yoosuf (Joseph), may Allah exalt his mention, and his brothers. Despite what they did to him, he accepted their apology when they apologized and forgave them graciously. He did not reproach or rebuke them, rather, he prayed for them and asked Allah The Almighty to forgive them. It is even better for one to forgive their relatives and forget their faults even if they do not apologize. This is evidence of the nobility of the soul and the greatness of one's spiritual mettle.
A Muslim should do his best to serve his relatives using his time, effort, authority or money. He should not reproachfully remind those who receive his favors of those favors or demand to receive the same treatment from them. In fact, the one who maintains ties of kinship is not the one who merely reciprocators, but is the one who adapts himself to be satisfied with the least from his relatives without receiving his entire right.
Moreover, relatives differ in their characters and ranks. Some of them are satisfied with a little care – an annual visit and a telephone call suffices for them. Some are pleased with cheerful greetings and communication through words. Some give up their rights completely and seek excuses for their relatives. Others are only satisfied with regular visits and taking care of them continuously. Treating them according to their nature helps maintain ties and preserve mutual love.
Among the factors that help in maintaining ties of kinship is abandoning extravagance with relatives, relieving them from difficulties and avoiding directing severe reproach to them. If they know these qualities about one of their relatives, they will be enthusiastic to visit him and maintain relations with him.