Ahmad: Dad, I want money to buy some things.
Father: Where is your pocket money, Ahmad? This is still the middle of the week!
Ahmad (indifferently): I have spent all of it.
Father (firmly): You will not get any more money until next week.
Ahmad (begging): But I want to buy sweets. I ask you by Allah, dad!
Father: No, Ahmad! We have agreed that you will do your best to make your pocket money suffice you all week.
Ahmad (starting to weep): weeping: I want money! want money!
Father (more firmly): I said that you will not get any money before next week!
The wrong type of mercy:
“If you feel pity for his weeping, you will not be able to wean or discipline him, and he will grow up ignorant and poor.” [Ibn Al-Jawzi in Sayd Al-Khaatir]
Dear custodian, Imaam Ibn Al-Jawzi explained the importance of upbringing and told us that if one feels pity for the weeping of his child who wishes to pressurize him to respond to his requests that are not to his benefit, then that parent will inevitably be unable to wean him, that is, to habituate him to what is beneficial for him if it requires a degree of patience and endurance. He likened this process to weaning, because it requires firmness.
If the guardian responds to these cries, he will not be able to discipline his child, who will grow up ignorant and poor, and this is because to learn the knowledge that is needed for maintaining one’s religion and to earn the money that would free him of being in need require patience and endurance, something that a lazy indolent person lacks. Hence he will live, if he does live, as an ignorant and poor person.
This manner of upbringing may be difficult for the guardian to follow, but there is no alternative if he wants his children to lead honorable lives.
Sometimes, it may be extremely difficult for the father to say no or to adopt a firm stance, and he may find it is easier simply to surrender and respond to his child’s requests. However, one has to be firm, in spite of the fact that firmness may be painful sometimes.
Be firm to be successful:
Whoever gives full reign to himself or his family will never be a successful person in his life, not to mention a successful educator. Firmness is one of the main characteristics that should be present in the person who assumes the role of leadership. If you are not a leader in your work, then you are, at least, a leader in your house. The Prophet, , was firm in every situation requiring firmness. This firmness was necessary for him to make the decision of Hijrah (emigration), the journey to Taa’if, dispatching armies and exiling the Jews.
The rightly-guided caliphs were also firm; Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him, was firm when he insisted on sending the army of Usaamah, may Allah be pleased with him, to fight the apostates as well as being firm during the time of the Hudaybiyah peace treaty when he supported the Prophet, .
‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, was firm with himself, as he would refrain from eating until the children of all the Muslims had eaten; he was firm with his subjects because he represented the door that locked the turbulence that began after his murder; he was also firm with Khaalid ibn Al-Waleed, may Allah be pleased with him, when he deposed him after noticing that people relied on his skill as a man of war rather than on the support of Allah The Almighty.
Immediate response:
A successful educator is the one who reacts immediately to the behavior of his children, which means that the parent should respond immediately or as soon as possible to the behavior of his child. This is because delaying punishment weakens its influence and enfeebles the relationship between the behavior and its consequences. Hence, if you deprive your child from playing as a punishment for a mistake he made last week, he will be surprised and astonished, believing that you have wronged him greatly.
The firmness that is needed!
Firmness in this context means putting everything in its proper place, which means that one should be firm in the situations when he should be firm in and vice versa.
Ibn Al-Jawzi defined firmness with one’s children saying, “Firmness means making the child abide by what preserves his religion, reason, body, and property, as well as preventing him from doing anything that may cause his religious or life affairs to be weakened. It also means habituating the child to the social traditions in his land - as long as they do not contradict the teachings of the Sharee‘ah.”
When we ask the custodian to be firm, we do not mean excessive orders, denying the children’s wishes, forcing them to behave in a certain way, shaping their inclinations according to the wishes of the family and the like.
Some parents wish that their children always be ready to respond to their endless orders, while others want their household’s members to walk on their tiptoes if they are sleeping or if they have guests. Some fathers also prevent their children from disagreeing with them over anything, even if the child does so politely and rightfully.
If you wish to measure your firmness, ask yourself what you will do in the following situations:
· The child refrains from performing the Thuhr Prayer deliberately
· The child does not do his homework
· The child spends all his pocket money before the end of the month
· The child accompanies an ill-mannered child
· The child does not want to exercise
· The child obtains a good score in a test or exam
Again, ask yourself how you would behave in such situations, and then read the correct and desired firm behavior in each of them:
· If the child refrains from performing the prayer, there should be a specific punishment and it must be applied firmly
· The same applies to failing to do homework
· If the child spends all his monthly pocket money, for example, the firm educator would not give him any more money until the end of the month regardless of the child’s repeated requests.
· With regard to bad friends, a firm custodian should make the child keep away from that friend even if the child objects and weeps in an attempt to dissuade his parent
· As for sports, a firm custodian realizes the importance of physical exercise and the harm that results from not doing it, consequently, he should make his child play sport, help him to choose a suitable game or at least make sure that he does some morning exercises.
· A firm custodian should reward before punishing. So, if the child gets a good score, the custodian should be firm and buy him a present or accompany him on a picnic, even if this conflicts with his work.
How to be firm?
There is a great difference between threatening the child for wrong behavior and actually punishing him. This is the difference between a threatening custodian and a firm one. If you insist firmly on what you say, your child will listen to your warnings, because he knows that when you ask him to stop, this means he must stop immediately. However, if you are not firm, the child will stop later, because he is sure that there should be many threats before he knows that he has to stop.
There are some techniques that help you to be firmer such as using reminders or notes. For example, you can write some private notes like, “Do not surrender to anger”, “Calmly watch your children while they are playing”, and “Keep calm and avoid arguments.”
You should be sure that your child will test you no matter how careful you are in planning and commitment. Your children will resist change, because children often respond to new systems at first, but then they return to their previous manners and other additional bad behavior.
When this happens, you should never despair, because this is normal and realizing it will make you less disappointed and firmer.
Firmness, not subduing:
Finally, we warn you, dear custodian, about excessive firmness, that it does not turn into subduing. Give your child the freedom to choose what he wants to do, and motivate him to work on his choice, because he will not feel that he is forced to do this by someone who overpowers him. The result would be a child who is used to shouldering responsibility.
Freedom is a necessary prerequisite for creativity and the excessive restraints that we impose on our children make them afraid when they do or say anything. Hence, a good custodian should not impose excessive restraints on the children so they will not hate rules. The custodian should also believe that freedom of choice develops decision-making skills.
Good upbringing is that which makes the child feel that he is a soldier inside a military barracks. Moreover, a good upbringing is the one that makes the child enjoy the companionship of his parents and feels that his choices are appreciated.
Then what?
1- If you punish the child for a mistake, do not respond to his appeals no matter how much he weeps, because this is better for him in the long run.
2- Always remind yourself of the importance of firmness through personal notes that you should carry with you wherever you go.
3- The punishment should be appropriate and relevant to the mistake, so do not go beyond the proper limits when you punish the child; otherwise, the punishment will not be beneficial and the child will not care about it.