Dealing with the mistakes made by the children or the wife is an art that every father and husband should learn and perfect in order to be able to turn a mistake into a constructive force within the family.
Let us suppose that one of the children has made a mistake; what are the Islamic steps to be taken to handle the situation?
Many fathers, mothers, and spouses adopt a non-Islamic approach to handling the mistakes made in their houses. Therefore, instead of finding solutions, further mistakes are made. Some of the harmful effects of such non-Islamic practices are that they give rise to many complex problems in our society. All of this can simply be the result of dealing with mistakes in an immature manner even by one of the parties involved. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, respond to Allah and to the Messenger when he calls you to that which gives you life. And know that Allah intervenes between a man and his heart and that to Him you will be gathered.} [Quran 8:24]
In his comment on this verse, Al-Bukhari said, “{to that which gives you life} means to that which amends you.”
Our response to Allah and His Messenger is a call to amendment, rationalization of method, and life in its optimum form.
When a problem occurs or a mistake is committed in the house, many important steps should be taken to correct that mistake according to the sound Islamic method which impedes the spread of this error and instead turns it into a point of reconsideration and learning.
Islam draws out for us the broad lines of the way to deal with a mistake and leaves the field open for both parents to tackle it along these guidelines in order for the solution to befit every time and place. From among these broad lines and the points of this method, a mention may be made of the following:
1- Shedding light on what is right
A lot of those who err, particularly children, do not realize the magnitude of the mistake they have committed, and it may be that they do not know that they have erred at all. For this reason, it is difficult for any one of them to be blamed for the mistake he has committed. So, the optimum solution in such cases is to shed light on what is right, remove the veil from the eye of the child, and clarify the features of the truth that are absent from his mind. This was just what the Prophet did with Mu‘aawiyah ibn Al-Hakam:
It was narrated on the authority of Mu‘aawiyah ibn Al-Hakam As-Sulami, may Allah be pleased with him, that he said,
I was offering prayers behind the Messenger of Allah when a man sneezed. I said, “May Allah have mercy upon you!” The people stared at me disapprovingly. I said, “Let my mother be bereaved of me! What is the matter?” They started striking their hands on their thighs. I saw them urging me to keep silent, so I said nothing. When the Messenger of Allah finished the prayer, he, by Allah, neither scolded, nor beat, nor berated me - let my father and mother be sacrificed for him- neither before nor after him have I ever seen a tutor who would give instructions better than him. He simply said: “In our prayer, the [ordinary] talk of the people is not permissible, for it [prayer] consists of exaltation, glorification, and recitation of the Quran.” [Muslim]
Mu‘aawiyah, may Allah be pleased with him, did not know that in prayer, speech is not permissible, and, at the same time, the Prophet did not only focus on the mistake committed by Mu‘aawiyah, may Allah be pleased with him, but the sound Prophetic behavior was to shed light on what was right and show him what he should do the next time, without scolding, rebuking, or berating him in the process.
At home, when a mistake is made, it is helpful to shed light on what is right and guide the person who made the mistake to it, because it is probable that he did not know it was a mistake and thus did not intentionally commit wrong.
2- Not to magnify the mistake lest it seems bigger than it is
Parents over-react to many mistakes that are made at home. The parents’ reaction may be strong, severe, and even violent; this gives rise to mental difficulties in the children’s minds, and perhaps some psychological disturbance.
A clear example of magnifying mistakes is the story of Jurayj, who erred in his response to his mother, who, in turn, encountered his mistake with another mistake, when she invoked evil upon him. In this respect, it is narrated on the authority of Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, that the Prophet said:
"No one spoke in the cradle but three: ‘Eesa [Jesus, may Allah exalt his mention] and [among the three] there was a man from the children of Israel called Jurayj. While he was offering his prayers, his mother came and called him. He said [to himself], “Shall I answer her or keep on praying?” [He went on praying and did not answer her]. His mother said, “O Allah. do not let him die until he sees the faces of prostitutes.”"
While he was in his hermitage, a woman came and sought to seduce him, but he refused. She went to a shepherd and gave herself to him. Later she gave birth to a child and claimed that it belonged to Jurayj. The people, therefore, came to him and dismantled his hermitage and expelled him from it and abused him. Jurayj performed ablution and offered prayer; he then went to the child and said, “O child, who is your father?” The child replied, “The shepherd.” The people said, “We shall rebuild your hermitage from gold.” But he said, “No, of nothing but mud.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
In this incident, the mother blew up the disobedience of her child until she was angry enough to invoke evil upon him, and unfortunately, her invocation coincided with the hour in which invocations are answered which the Messenger of Allah mentioned in the following Hadeeth: “Do not invoke evil upon yourself nor upon your children, nor upon your servants, nor upon your property, lest you would coincide with an hour in which the gift [i.e., response] is obtained from Allah, The Blessed, The Almighty, and thereupon He would respond to you.” [Abu Daawood]
The examples for exaggerating mistakes in our societies are numerous, ranging from a father beating his child severely because he did not answer his call, to the mother’s being cross with her daughter because she did not listen to her advice in a woman-related issue.
Such reactions make it difficult to handle a mistake or to avoid it.
The optimum solution in such cases is to deal with the mistake according to its real scale, i.e. not to overvalue nor to undervalue it. Some may undervalue an error; some fathers say nothing when they see their girl leave the house wearing non-Sharee‘ah-defined clothes during her early youth, thereby underrating her mistake.
3- Overlooking some mistakes
Overlooking some mistakes is one of the important ways to handle them, not only at home, but also with extended family members. In reality, to overlook mistakes is to ignore a particular defect in order not to put its perpetrator in a critical situation on the one hand, and to send a message to him that this mistake is unfavorable on the other. It is a kind of moral transcendence which the parents should live in front of their children, in order not to put them in a disparaging situation because of a mistake they have made, and to give them an opportunity to correct that mistake.
This was the conduct of the Prophet with the Bedouin who urinated in the mosque. In this respect, it is narrated on the authority of Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, that a Bedouin urinated in the mosque, and the people rushed to beat him. The Messenger of Allah ordered them to leave him and to pour a bucket or a tumbler full of water over the place where he had passed urine. The Prophet then said to his Companions: “You have been sent to make things easy [for the people], and you have not been sent to make things difficult for them.” [Al-Bukhari] According to another version, “The people attacked him…” Ibn Hajar said in Al-Fat’h, “[They] abused him verbally, not physically.”
Furthermore, Allah The Almighty mentioned the etiquette of ignoring and overlooking in Surat At-Tahreem when He Says (what means): {He [the Prophet ] made known part of it and ignored a part.} [Quran 66:3]
4- Indirect reference to the mistake
This means to mention similar mistakes or characters in a narrative to the child who made the mistake. Indeed, this was one of the most important etiquettes on which the Prophet brought up his Companions, may Allah be pleased with them. The Prophet used to indirectly refer to some mistakes saying: “What is the matter with some people that they do such and such? What is the matter with some people that they do such and such?”
It was narrated on the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, that she said, “The Prophet did something in which there was alleviation from the religious point of view, but some people refrained from it. When the Prophet heard about this, he addressed them and said, after praising Allah: ‘What is the matter with some people that they refrain from doing something which I do? By Allah, I know Allah and fear Him more than they do.’” [Al-Bukhari]
It was further narrated on the authority of Qataadah that Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, told them that the Prophet said:“What is the matter with some people that they raise their sight during prayer?” He was strict in his statement such that he said:“They should desist from doing so, lest their sight be taken away.” [Ahmad]
These Hadeeths and others, along with the benefits and Prophetic guidance they carry, contain indirect references to mistakes and the people who make them, without rebuking them directly, so as not to hurt their feelings. The Prophet would always care about this. We need to adopt this way when dealing with our children and others at home.
Abstention from the Sharee‘ah-defined ways to handle mistakes gives rise to a great number of problems, including:
a. Escalation and accumulation of mistakes, which then turn into a destructive force
b. Giving parents a false impression that a mistake has been rectified, while in reality it remains unremedied.
c. The children resorting to rudeness, for they know that they have been exposed by their parents, thereupon they regard their act as not that grave nor a cause for shame, rather a justified act of defiance.