Engagement is the proposal for marriage. It is an initial agreement and a promise that all parties are required to respect and abide by. Engagement is considered the first step in marriage. All important contracts have introductory preambles that aim at perfecting it in the best way. Due to the utmost importance of marriage, Allah The Most Wise made regulations for its introductory steps and specified some regulatory Sharee'ah rulings that all parties are required to abide by. Engagement is the normal introduction to marriage.
It is recommended to conceal the engagement, for the suitor could take back his decision which could harm the woman and call upon other suitors to refrain from proposing to her. It was narrated that the Prophet said: “Announce marriage and conceal engagement.” [Ad-Daylami, As-Suyooti - Saheeh]
It is the basic rule that the man proposes engagement, and this is mentioned in the Quran and the Sunnah. Addressing men, Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {There is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves.} [Quran 2: 235] It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “When one of you proposes to a woman, if he could look at of her to see what urges him to marry her, then let him do that.” [Ahmad, Abu Daawood, Al-Haakim and Al-Bayhaqi]
This preserves the woman's modesty, respects her pride, safeguards her honor, and secures her from being deceived into marrying an unrighteous man.
It is permissible for a woman to propose to a man that she approves of as a husband through either authorizing her guardian or sending someone to him whom she trusts. Khadeejah bint Khuwaylid, may Allah be pleased with her, proposed to the Messenger of Allah . It is also permissible for a woman's guardian to offer her in marriage to a righteous man, but he should make certain that the husband-to be is trustworthy and honest. It was narrated that when the husband of Hafsah bint ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with her and her father, died, her father offered her in marriage to ‘Uthmaan ibn ‘Affaan, may Allah be pleased with him, and said to him, “I would like to give you Hafsah in marriage, if you so wish.” ‘Uthmaan, may Allah be pleased with him, replied, “I will think about it.” Days later, ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, met ’Uthmaan who said, “It seems that it is not possible for me to marry at present.” Then ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, met Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him, and said to him, “I would like to give you Hafsah in marriage if you so wish.” Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him, remained silent. Later, the Messenger of Allah proposed to her and ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, accepted. When Abu Bakr met ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with them both, thereafter, Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with him, told him that he knew that the Prophet had intended to marry her. [Al-Bukhari]
Conditions for a Valid Engagement
There are two conditions for an engagement to be valid.
First: The woman should be eligible for engagement, as it is impermissible to engage some women in some particular circumstances, including:
Engagement to a divorced woman whose divorce is revocable (that is a woman who has been divorced one or two times by the same man) during her ‘Iddah (post-marriage waiting period). It is impermissible to propose, directly or indirectly, to such a woman, because revocable divorce does not end the marriage, as her divorcer may take her to the wedlock during this period of ‘Iddah without her consent. Engagement to such a woman takes the same ruling of engagement to a married woman.
It is permissible, however, to indirectly propose to a widow during her period of ‘Iddah. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {There is no blame upon you for that to which you [indirectly] allude concerning a proposal to women or for what you conceal within yourselves.} [Quran 2: 235]
Only indirect proposal is permitted in such a case because a marriage contract cannot be concluded during this period. Moreover, a direct marriage proposal could anger the deceased's family or hurt the widow's feelings and therefore, it is impermissible.
It was narrated on the authority of Sukaynah bint Hanthalah, may Allah have mercy on her, that she said,
‘Ali ibn Muhammad ibn ‘Ali Zayn-ul-‘Aabideen asked for permission to see me while I was still in my ‘Iddah after the death of my husband. He said to me, ‘You already know about my kinship relation to the Messenger of Allah and ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, as well as my rank among the Arabs.’ I said, ‘O Abu Ja‘far, may Allah forgive you. People look up to you, so how could you propose to me while I am still in my period of ‘Iddah?’ He replied, ‘I did not say anything except my kinship tie with the Messenger of Allah and ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him.’
He used an indirect expression and did not directly propose to her.
It is also impermissible to propose to an irrevocably-divorced woman during her ‘Iddah whether directly or indirectly. An indirect proposal may urge her to falsely declare that her ‘Iddah ended. In such a case no one could belie her because her ‘Iddah is three menses, and Allah would only know about the exact timing of this, as He knows that which deceives the eyes and what the breasts conceal.
The Sharee'ah, however, permits an indirect proposal to a widow during her ‘Iddah because her ‘Iddah is counted by days, not by the times of menses. It is four months and ten days. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {And those who are taken in death among you and leave wives behind - they, [the wives, shall] wait four months and ten [days].} [Quran 2: 234] This is applicable when the widow is not pregnant. If she is pregnant, her ‘Iddah ends after delivery. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {And for those who are pregnant, their ‘Iddah is until they give birth.} [Quran 65: 4]
Second: The woman who is being proposed to must not be engaged to another man. Islam is keen to maintain good and kind social relations among Muslims and furthermore, it cares for the feelings of brotherhood and love among Muslims. Therefore, when a woman is engaged to someone, other men are not permitted to propose to her, and the woman's guardian is not permitted to accept others' proposals when the first engagement is still in effect.
The rationale behind the impermissibility of engagement in such a case is that the Muslim is not permitted to covet what his Muslim brother possesses, afflict him with harm or hurt his feelings. This is also to prevent the woman from abandoning the first suitor, if she is tempted by the proposal of the other suitor. It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “A believer is the brother of a believer, so it is not lawful for a believer to outbid his brother nor to propose to a woman who is engaged by his brother unless, he leaves [the woman].” [Ahmad and Muslim]
However, when the first suitor leaves her, others are permitted to propose to her. It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “A man should not propose to a woman who is engaged to his brother until he gives her up or allows him [to propose to her].” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
Engagement of a Young Girl
The majority of scholars are of the view that the young girl's guardian is permitted to approve her engagement or betroth her to a suitable man. The Prophet concluded the marital contract with ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, while she was six years old, or seven, according to another opinion. Then he consummated marriage with her when she was nine years old. When the young girl grows and attains the age of puberty, she has the right to approve the engagement or reject it. It is a prerequisite that she approves her guardian's decision.
In some societies, parents agree to marry a certain boy to a certain girl when they grow up. If, when they become of age, they approve of the parents’ agreement, it would be permissible to conclude this marriage.
Choosing Between Suitors
When more than one suitor proposes to a woman at the same time, her guardian in such a case is entitled to choose the best of them in terms of religiousness and noble morals. He should perform Istikhaarah (the guidance-seeking prayer) and consult righteous people. It was narrated that Mu‘aawiyah ibn Abu Sufyaan and Abu Al-Jahm proposed to Faatimah bint Qays at the same time, and she went to the Prophet consulting him. The Prophet said: “Mu‘aawiyah is a poor man without any property, and as for Abu Jahm, he is a woman beater. But Usaamah ibn Zayd...” She pointed with her hand and said disapprovingly: “Usaamah. Usaamah.” But the Messenger of Allah said:“Obedience to Allah and obedience to His Messenger is better for you.” She said, “So I married him, and became an object of admiration for having him as a husband.” [Muslim]