Istikhaarah (guidance-seeking prayer) in Engagement
It is recommended to perform Istikhaarah before making a decision related to marriage. The Messenger of Allah would perform Istikhaarah in order to teach his Companions, may Allah be pleased with them, to perform Istikhaarah before deciding on anything and therefore all other Muslims should do so too. It was narrated on the authority of Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, that he said,
When Zaynab's ‘Iddah finished, the Messenger of Allah said to Zayd: “Tell her about me [that I want to marry her].” Zayd said, “So, I went to her and said, ‘O Zaynab, rejoice! The Messenger of Allah has sent me to you; he is mentioning you [he wants to marry you].’” She said, “I will not do anything until I have asked the command of my Lord.” She then went to the place where she usually performed prayer. Then the Messenger of Allah came and entered without permission [because the verses concerning their marriage had been revealed]. [An-Nasaa’i]
It was narrated on the authority of Jaabir, may Allah be pleased with him, that he said,
The Messenger of Allah would teach us Istikhaarah for each and every matter just as he would teach us the chapters of the Quran, saying:
“If anyone of you intends to do something, he should perform a two-Rak‘ah [units] prayer, other than the obligatory prayer, and then say: ‘Allahumma inni astakheeruka bi‘ilmika, wa astaqdiruka biqudratika, wa as’aluka min fadhlika al- ‘atheem, fa innaka taqdiru wala aqdiru, wa ta‘lamu wala a‘lamu, wa anta ‘allaam-ul- ghuyoob. Allahumma in kunta ta‘lamu anna hatha al-amra khayrun lee fee deeni wa ma‘aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri [or he said, fee ‘aajili amri wa ’aajilihi] fa-qdurhu lee, wa yassirhu lee, thumma baarik lee feeh. Wa in kunta ta‘lamu anna hatha al-amra sharrun lee fee deeni wa ma‘aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri [or said, fee ‘aajili amri wa ajilihi], fasrifhu ‘anni was-rifni ‘anhu wa aqdur li alkhayra haythu kaana, thummah irradini bihee [O Allah, I ask You to show me what is best, through Your Knowledge, and I ask You to empower me, through Your Power, and I beg You to grant me Your Tremendous favor, for You have power, while I am without power, and You have knowledge, while I am without knowledge, and You are the One who knows all things unseen. O Allah, if You know that this undertaking is good for my religion and my subsistence and in my Hereafter (or he said: If it is better for my short-term and long-term affairs), Ordain it for me and make it easy for me, then bless it for me, and if You know that this undertaking is evil for me in my religion and subsistence and in the Hereafter... (or he said: if it is evil for my short-term and long-term affairs), Let it be away from me and let me be away from it, and ordain (instead) for me whatever is good for me, and make me satisfied with it].” [Al-Bukhari]
Consultation in Marriage
Since Islam demands that a woman and her guardian choose a righteous, suitable man who has good morals for a husband, it is necessary to probe everything about the suitor. This could be achieved through asking his family, friends and workmates for information about him. Moreover, the woman and her guardian are required to consult the righteous and wise before approval. As it is said, whoever makes Istikhaarah will never lose and whoever consults others will not regret.
It is the correct approach that when a suitor proposes to marry a woman, her guardian should take his time in order to ask about him and become certain of his suitability in order to avoid deception, safeguard the woman under his guardianship and maintain her rights.
Mediation in Marriage
It is recommended that a Muslim tries to make matches and join men and women in marriage if he knows that they are righteous and suitable, for the sake of helping them to preserve their chastity. Joining the right men and women is an act of obedience and the one who does this will be rewarded for it. It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah said, “The best mediation is that done for [joining two people in] marriage.” [Ibn Maajah]
Nevertheless, someone who tries to match people and join them in marriage must abide by the Sharee'ah commandments, which is truthfulness, honesty, and so on, which must be observed. Khadeejah, may Allah be pleased with her, sent Nafeesah bint Munabbih to the Prophet before he received the revelation, in order to arrange her marriage to him. Nafeesah was wise, well-spoken, and tactful. She said to him, “O Muhammad, why have you not married?” He replied, “I cannot afford the marriage expenses.” She inquired, “What would be the case if you were absolved of this and invited to wealth, beauty and honor?” He asked her to speak openly and she told him about Khadeejah, may Allah be pleased with her. The Prophet married her, and he was the best husband to her and she was the best wife to him.
However, some suitors seek the mediation of righteous, reputable or authoritative persons. Out of courtesy to such mediators, the woman's guardian accepts the marriage proposal, without consulting the woman under his guardianship. This is an act of injustice to the woman that must be avoided. A woman's guardian must not give his opinion until the woman has given hers. When there is intercession for an unsuitable suitor, the woman's guardian is required not to approve the marriage. Allah The Almighty will ask every responsible person about his responsibility, whether he fulfilled it or neglected it.
The Prophet interceded on behalf of Mugheeth so that his wife, Bareerah, would remain married to him. The Prophet knew how much Mugheeth loved his wife. Mugheeth married Bareerah when they were slaves. Mugheeth was of a dark complexion and loved her very much. When she was freed and left him, he was looking for anyone who would convince her to return to him. When the Prophet saw him going behind Bareerah with his tears flowing because of his love for her, he said to her: “Would you return to him? He is the father of your child.” She asked, “Is this an order, O Messenger of Allah?” He said: “No, I am merely interceding for him.” She said, “I am not in need of him.” Thereupon, he said to his uncle Al-‘Abbaas: “O ‘Abbaas, are you not amazed by how Mugheeth loves Bareerah and how she hates him?” [Al-Bukhari]
Looking at the Women being Proposed To
Islam is keen to secure permanent marital relations, affection and love between the spouses as well as the tranquility among them. Therefore, it permitted for both parties to look at each other in order for each one to be assured as regards their future partner, although looking at members of the opposite sex is impermissible in general. It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “If one of you proposes to a woman and is able to look at what motivates him to marry her, let him do that.”
Jaabir ibn ‘Abdullaah, may Allah be pleased with them, said, “I proposed to a woman from Banu Salamah and I would peep at her from behind palm trees until I saw what encouraged me to marry her, so, I married her.” [Ahmad and Abu Daawood]
It is permissible for a man to look at the woman whom he wants to engage after seeking permission from her guardian and while one of her Mahrams (non marriageable relatives) is present. If seeking permission is difficult, permission is not a condition in such a case and he can look at her without permission. The Prophet commanded Al-Mugheerah ibn Shu‘bah, may Allah be pleased with him, to look at the woman whom he wanted to marry. The Prophet said to him: “Go and look at her, for it is more likely to engender accordance between the two of you.” [An-Nasaa’i and At-Tirmithi]
It is also permissible for a suitor to send a woman in order to look at the woman to whom he wants to propose. The Prophet sent Umm Sulaym, may Allah be pleased with him, in order to look at a woman whom he wanted to take in marriage. He said to her: “Smell her mouth, and look at her ankles.” [Ahmad]
Just as the man is permitted to look at the woman, it is also permissible for the woman to look at the man who proposes to her. She is permitted to look at all his body except his ‘Awrah (between his navel and knees). A man is permitted to look at the woman's face, as it is the center of her beauty, and to look at the palms of her hands, as they reflect the body's thinness or fatness. Both are entitled to repeat looking at each other until each one has a certain image of the other one in his/ her mind.
Nevertheless, this should not be a justification to transgress the limits of Allah The Almighty and satisfy one's desires under the pretext of engagement. Allah The Almighty knows that which deceives the eyes and what the breasts conceal. Both are required to abide by noble morals. They must not disrepute each other by speaking to others about each other’s looks, such as the suitor's speaking about the unattractiveness of the woman to whom he proposed, if she is not beautiful