Consequences of Engagement
Islam is the religion that has sublime purposes and is characterized by its moderateness. Following its teachings safeguards honor and at the same time allows introductory steps of marriage which would secure its success. Therefore, engagement is made lawful in Islam as an introductory step towards marriage, so that each of the potential spouses would know the other within the limits that safeguard their honor and protect their modesty. Engagement helps each of them to be ready for the new stage of their life in the light of their being acquainted with each other.
As engagement is a mere promise of marriage that could be concluded or not, Islam gives high importance to this, which is in the best interest of the woman, as it safeguards her reputation beyond any doubts. Engagement does not give rights to either of the two parties over the other. Both of them are still non-Mahram (i.e., marriageable) to each other, and the relation between them is the same as the relation between any non-Mahram man and woman. Looking at the fiancée is impermissible, for Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze.} [Quran 24: 30-31]
Touching is impermissible in any form. It was narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not lawful for him.” [At-Tabaraani and Al-Bayhaqi]
Soft, seductive speech is impermissible. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): {Do not be soft in speech [to men], lest he in whose heart is disease should covet.} [Quran 33: 32]
A fiancée is not permitted to show any part of her body or adornment in front of her fiancé. Moreover, it is impermissible for them to sit together alone. However, it is permissible for them to meet each other, given that decency and modesty are observed with one of her Mahrams present. In our honorable Islamic Sharee'ah, engagement does not make lawful anything that was prohibited before its occurrence.
The Relation between the Fiancé and His Fiancée and Her Family
Engagement is a period for acquaintance and closeness to develop between the suitor and his fiancée's family in order for them to secure mutual communication and affection. This would be a means of creating an atmosphere of good relations which would eventually turn into true affection and compassion after marriage.
The period of engagement is a delicate period. When the engagement-relevant Sharee'ah rulings are neglected by the two parties, everyone will be extremely negatively affected. Some families, during the period of engagement, allow themselves to violate the rulings of the Sharee’ah by practices such as:
- The suitor visiting his fiancée's home as if he is one of the family.
- The fiance gets to sit with his fiancée in private, whether at home or at any other place.
- The fiancée goes out with her fiance or visits him at his home.
- The fiancé and his fiancée exchange love messages.
All such behavior is rejected and do not befit Muslim women and men. The suitor, however, is required to deal with his fiancée and her family in a way that is approved by Allah and His Messenger including:
- To visit her at her family's home when one of her Mahrams is present and she is adherent to the Sharee'ah-approved Hijab.
- To give her some gifts.
- To ask about her, visit her family and maintain ties with them.
- To accept her family's invitation for food.
Both the suitor and the fiancée are required to talk with each other, in the presence of one of her Mahrams, in a way that is likely to create affection and assurance, with neither disclosing secret matters nor unveiling what must be concealed. Many engaged couples make the mistake of revealing their secrets to the other. This is a grave mistake. It is possible that they differ and break up their engagement. A suitor in such a case could be unreligious and therefore would do his ex-fiancée wrong by threatening to reveal the secrets that he knows about her.
Both the suitor and the fiancée are required to exert their best effort that the period of engagement is only long enough for both of them to be sure that they want to marry each other. The shorter this period the better it is. It is improper to let the period of engagement be prolonged without a strong reason. Marriage should be consummated as soon as possible.
Breaking Off the Engagement
Engagement is a promise of marriage between two parties, and it is not a binding contract. Breaking off the engagement without a Sharee'ah-approved justification is considered breaking a promise. The Sharee'ah did not determine a punishment for breaking a promise; rather, a person who does so is entrusted to Allah, who, if He wishes, will forgive him and if He wishes, will punish him. If the suitor gives the dowry after the engagement and then he wishes to withdraw, he is entitled to take it all back. Any gift is considered a gift and the suitor is not entitled to take it back after breaking off his engagement. It was narrated the Messenger of Allah said: “It is not lawful for a man to make a donation or give a gift and then take it back, except a father regarding what he gives his child.” [Abu Dawood, An-Nasaa’i, At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah]
According to the Hanafi scholars, the suitor is entitled to take back his gifts if they are unchangeable. Consequently, he is entitled to take back bracelets, rings, necklaces, watches, and so on. However, if the gifts are subject to change or decrease, such as food and clothes, the suitor is not entitled to take them back.
According to Maaliki scholars, they judged in such a case according to the party who is the reason for breaking off the engagement. If the suitor wishes to break off the engagement, he is not entitled to take back anything he gave. However, if the fiancée wants to break it off, the suitor is entitled to take back everything he gave as gifts, whether changeable or not. If a gift is damaged, he is to be compensated for it.
According to Shaafi‘i scholars, a gift is to be given back,
whether it is unchanged or damaged. If it is intact, it must be given back; otherwise, it must be compensated for.