No Room for Despair Between the Spouses
Sexual desire is like any other human desire and is not connected to a certain age, because it is a part of the physical structure of a human. Hence, the wife should know that her own or her husband’s sexual desire does not stop at the age of menopause. If the woman is healthy and does not suffer from physical or psychological diseases, then she can have sexual intercourse even if she is old. It is true that sexual desire decreases as well as sexual ability when the person becomes older; but it always remains and fulfills its function properly.
A long period of marriage enables the wife to control and adapt her relationship with her husband in the different stages of life. So, it is wrong to think that menopause means the end of the wife’s sexual relationship. Rather, if there is a desire to have sexual intercourse between the spouses, this would result in harmony between them no matter how old they are. Some people may resort to medical drugs which stimulate the sexual relationship; however, such drugs may lead to opposite results in many cases. There are rare cases which need these drugs. The wife may suffer from frigidity which may be due to a physical problem that can be solved through medical treatment, medication, or surgery, or it might be due to a psychological reason due to the negligence of the husband, an intense fear of pregnancy and delivery, or the roughness and recklessness of the husband. These matters usually lead to frigidity.
The wife needs a longer period of time to be aroused. The husband’s ignorance or overlooking of this fact - due to his eagerness or quick arousal - may result in the wife failing to interact with her husband. The husband should be fully aware of this fact and perform the normal means of foreplay such as flirtatious words, touching and so on, in order to prepare the wife to respond to the call for sexual intercourse with all her senses. Consequently, they would have a successful sexual relationship, and the wife would not suffer from frigidity. It is permissible for the wife to advise her husband regarding these matters.
The spouses should know that the best times for sexual intercourse are the times when they desire it. Each one should respond to the desire of the other. The Messenger of Allah said: “If a man invites his wife to his bed [i.e. to have sexual intercourse], and she refuses to come to him and causes him to sleep in anger, then the angels curse her till morning” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
Also, if a man sees a woman who pleases and sexually arouses him, his sexual intercourse with his wife would guard him from the devil’s temptations, prevent the disasters of illicit sexual desire and maintain his chastity. The Prophet said: “A woman advances and retreats in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife [and have intercourse with her], for that will repel what he feels in his heart.” [Muslim and Abu Daawood]
Abu Sulaymaan Ad-Daaraani said, “The righteous wife does not belong to the worldly life. She gives you time for the Hereafter. She occupies herself with managing the house and satisfying desire.” In general, the times of sexual intercourse should be in accordance with the need of both spouses, and the wife should satisfy her sexual desire with her husband whenever she needs, and the husband should do the same. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish.} [Quran 2:223]
The times of sexual intercourse are connected with each one’s preparation for the other and being physically and psychologically relaxed. They should have sufficient time to have a rest after sexual intercourse. The wife should take care of the cleanness and beauty of her bed, as this has a good effect on pleasing the husband. The husband should properly flirt, fondle and show his love to his wife. On the other hand, the wife should be skillful in complimenting and flirting with her husband, praising his good characteristics and overlooking his faults. She should beware of making him feel that he is weak or incapable, even if she is jesting with him, because this would affect him negatively.
The wife should say nice, kind words to her husband, play with him, hug and kiss him. The Prophet said to Jaabir, may Allah be pleased with him, when he found out that he had married a previously-married woman: “Why not a virgin, so that you might play with her and she play with you, and you might amuse her and she amuse you?” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] In this Hadeeth, the Prophet clarified that this was a mutual matter between the spouses.
Wearing perfume has a good effect in making the sexual intercourse successful; it helps to arouse feelings and emotions and adds pleasure to the spouses’ contact. On the other hand, bad smells and odors result in aversion and detestation. Sexual intercourse requires calmness and relaxation, so that the body and the nerves do not become tense and hinder the perfect enjoyment of sexual intercourse.
There are many positions for sexual intercourse. It is permissible to use any of them as long as penetration takes place in the vagina. Changing positions gives the sexual meeting between the spouses a new flavor for the human soul becomes bored with everything repetitive. Some people may suddenly suffer from impotence despite intense arousal and consequently fail to have sexual intercourse. This may happen due to the long period of foreplay before sexual intercourse, or due to a long time of waiting, eagerness and abstention. To overcome this problem, the spouses should have moderate foreplay and avoid exhaustion and intense arousal.
Some men might use condoms to prevent conception since it hinders semen from reaching the uterus. This way is not free from harm. Conception may take place due to a hole in the condom. Also, it may lead to incomplete sexual satisfaction and result in worry and psychological disorder.
Some husbands may discharge the semen outside the vagina in order to prevent conception which is called “coitus interruptus”. This way also has some harmful consequences, because it does not give the spouses the chance to have perfect pleasure. This might lead to psychological disturbance, continuous quarrels and an unstable life. This way might be a resort to solve some social problems like birth control provided that it is practiced upon the agreement of both parties without excessive use.
Children and Emotional Communication
The husband has rights over his wife. It is not permissible for her to overlook or neglect these rights even if it is for the sake of his children. She should distribute her efforts between her husband and her children. It is not permissible for her to neglect adorning herself under the pretext of having children to take care of. The wife’s being occupied under the pretext of taking care of the housework and the children is not an acceptable excuse. This may force the husband to leave home searching for another place to find the lost amusement and the aspired rest. Some men of weak faith might fall into moral vice as a result of the wife’s negligence. The wife should fear her Lord and fulfill her duties towards her husband.
The wife’s keenness and devotion to take care of her children - provided that there is balance between them and their father - is one of the means of marital happiness. When she takes care of their health, morals and knowledge, the husband is delighted and free from worry about his wife and children.
Families of the Spouses and Their Role in Emotional Communication
Allah The Almighty exhorts people to maintain kinship ties and makes kindness towards kinsfolk as a way to Paradise. Marriage extends the circle of kinsfolk. The wife should be kind towards her and her husband’s relatives without neglecting the right of any. It is obligatory upon her to treat her family with kindness and her love for her husband necessitates love for his family and being kind to them. Kinship ties cling to the Throne of Allah and whoever maintains it, Allah will maintain a connection with him, but whosoever severs relations with it, Allah The Almighty will sever His connection with him. The Prophet said that Allah The Almighty says in a Qudsi (sacred) Hadeeth: “I am Ar-Rahmaan [The Most-Merciful]. I created the Rahim [Kinship ties], and derived for it a name from My Name. Whoever maintains it, I will maintain connection with him. Whoever severs it, I will sever connection with him.” [Al-Bukhari] The Prophet said: “Whoever likes that his provisions would be expanded and his life would be prolonged, should maintain kinship ties.” [Muslim]
The wife should visit the family of her husband and maintain amicable relations with them. They become her family and her children are attributed to them. The keenness of the wife to benefit the family of her husband, receive them well, ask about them, present gifts to them, and help them pleases her husband, generates affection and amiability, and forces the husband to respect and appreciate his wife.
Each spouse should be keen on maintaining good relations with the family of their partner, and share their joy and sadness. He/she should hasten to check those who stop visiting them, and to be beside them if they need.
The husband should receive with hospitality the acquaintances of his wife. It is narrated that a woman visited the Prophet so he met her happily and asked about her condition. When she departed, he said: “She would visit us during the days of Khadeejah, and loyalty is [a part] of faith.” [Al-Haakim] Also, a poet in the pre-Islamic era reminded his cousins about the importance of maintaining kinship ties and said that severing kinship ties is the reason behind destruction. Therefore, the spouses should realize the goal behind the kind treatment of relatives of the other which increases love, affection and mercy, and instills respect and confidence between them. Consequently, the children will grow up loving goodness, hating evil and hoping for the reform of the whole world.