#{But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them.}## [Quran 4:34]
The issue of man being in charge of the woman in his house is extremely important within the context of the marital relationship and it has been extensively discussed. It has also been besmirched by those who misunderstand the true teachings of religion through their erroneous conduct as well as those who blindly imitate the West in everything, whether or not it is reasonable.
The final say regarding this issue is the rules of Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation) and the interests of the family. That is because unity of leadership in any ship is extremely important, and the ship of the house is in need of responsible leadership to keep order, and this accords with the general Islamic rule in the world of man.
So, who is the party that is logically more worthy of assuming leadership of the family?
Is it the woman, who is always under the influence of her emotions that are necessary for her mission in taking care of the children and making her house redolent with beauty? Or is it the man, who is responsible under Islam for providing for the family and protecting it?
Matrimonial guardianship came in line with the Islamic system in appointing leadership in any work, and Islam chose the man, as he is the more fitting party to undertake this mission given his natural qualifications and experience.
The presence of a leader within any institution does not cancel the existence, personality, or rights of the other partners or personnel. Islam has defined elsewhere the characteristics and components of man’s guardianship over the family and the accompanying kindness, care, protection, personal and financial duties, in addition to his morals and manners with his wife and children.
An Integrated Image:
The integrated image of the matrimonial relationship is quite intimate, where the man represents tranquility, love, compassion and shelter to the wife; and where the wife represents tranquility, support, love and compassion to her husband. Moreover, Islam pays great attention to the children, because the Muslim family is an institution that is based upon these three pillars, and the man’s guardianship means first of all that he is responsible for the success and happiness of this family, as well as caring for the other two parties, meaning the wife and children.
This leadership is not of a military nature that commands and forbids without participation on the part of the family members; rather, it is leadership that is based on consultation, mutual understanding and consent. The family life under Islam is not a life of chaos or disorder, but it is regulated through rules, values and ethics stated clearly in the honorable Quran and personified by the Prophet in his transactions and relationships.
Within this frame, we could understand the meaning of matrimonial guardianship, and differentiate between it and the autocracy of some husbands.
Hence, matrimonial guardianship is an assignment from Allah The Almighty to the man to take care of the family, not to dominate it. In other words, this mission represents a responsibility through which the family’s harmony is perfected, to live in happiness, please Allah The Almighty and participate in establishing a society that is free from the diseases of dissolution and loss.
However, some men play the role of a tyrant ruler over reluctantly surrendering subjects, and we have come to see in our houses incidents of violence and torture that sometimes resemble or perhaps exceed what we see in our political life.
Successful matrimonial guardianship is exactly like successful management. It is not the same as tyranny because management requires skill, wisdom and firmness, whereas tyranny only requires violence, which spoils anything with which it is associated.
The belief that cruelty in words or behavior, or military order is equivalent to matrimonial guardianship is completely wrong.
Apparently, the prevailing image in society today does not accord with the true teachings of the religion or the behavior of the righteous predecessors. The true image is balanced and vital; it is based upon sound understanding and mutual respect for the role of each of the two sexes and the integration of these roles whereby they cooperate in many duties, interests and decisions.
Male and female:
Allah The Almighty has created people as males and females just as everything else in this universe. Allah The Almighty qualified the woman for the missions of pregnancy, delivery and taking care of the fruit of the connection between her and the man. Of course, these are serious and important missions, which cannot be performed without physical, psychological and mental preparations that are deeply-rooted in the nature of the female.
Hence, fairness requires assigning the other half (the man) with the mission of securing the basic needs and protection for the female.
Fairness also requires providing the man with the physical, psychological and mental characteristics that enable him to perform his functions just as the case with the woman.
Indeed, there are physical differences between the two sexes, but these differences do not diminish the common intellectual, emotional, creative, fiducial and religious aspects, in addition to all the other characteristics that distinguish the human race in general.
The fact that man is more worthy of family leadership does not mean that he is superior, because giving precedence to men over women solely based on masculinity is meaningless and ungrounded prejudice. Likewise, the reaction represented in the attempt to prove woman’s superiority is also ridiculous, because both approaches are part of the system of conflict, challenge and competition. Needless to say, such a climate is sufficient to destroy any family.
Furthermore, when we say that the man is more qualified for assuming family leadership, this does not mean that we call for neglecting the role of the woman in the house or ignoring her opinion; rather, we should respect the woman’s role and opinion as long as they do not violate the rulings of Sharee‘ah.
Summary:
Hence, the scope of matrimonial guardianship is limited to achieving the interests of the household, adherence to the commandments of Allah The Almighty and giving the husband his rights. The man has no right to interfere in any issue beyond this, such as the woman’s personal property and so on. The woman is only obliged to obey her husband within the limits of what is lawful; hence, if he ordered her to disobey Allah The Almighty, then no creature has the right to be obeyed in what is considered disobedience to Allah The Almighty.
As long as the woman performs her duties towards Allah The Almighty and towards her husband, she deserves honor and respect.
Mortal danger:
Some people may believe that waiving the man’s matrimonial guardianship to the benefit of his wife makes her happy, but this is wrong. That is because the woman is disposed by nature to seek shelter. Even if a woman proudly boasts to her friends that her husband obeys her orders, which implies his weak guardianship over her, she in fact feels deep down that her family suffers from some serious problem.
On the other hand, the woman who complains about her husband’s strong personality and complete matrimonial guardianship, she in fact feels internal tranquility and happiness because this state of affairs accords with her nature.
I believe that the stability of the matrimonial life necessitates that the woman asks her husband to assume family leadership, just as she asks him to provide for the family.
There is no doubt that the collapse of the man’s authority in his house and delivering leadership to the woman causes many problems, perhaps the most important of which are:
1- The woman’s dominance over the man until she has the final say in all family affairs.
2- Giving children an unsound upbringing.
3- Spread of disobedience and misdeeds, the most dangerous of which is non-adherence to the Hijab (Islamic covering).
4- Absence of a good example inside the house. Getting little girls accustomed to having a forceful personality, and little boys to be cowardly and to have a weak personality.
Finally, we admit that, in some cases, women may be wiser and more capable of taking care of the family affairs than some men who have lost the characteristics required for family leadership. This usually happens due to wrong choice and lack of equity between the spouses. However, this remains as an exception that does not affect the rule.