Question
I have been married for three years. A week after our marriage, my husband told me that he drinks. I was shocked to my core, but I thought that this could be fixed as he told me that he planned to quit within a year. He told me to take off my hijab because I look like his mom. He still drinks everyday. The only promise he has kept is that he does not bring alcohol home. From the very day we got married, I felt that my husband was not interested in me. It was I who initiated our first intimacy almost two weeks after our wedding. He spends most nights outside the home and comes home at 3 or 5 am sometimes. I do not think that he is unfaithful, but there are times where he does not remember the night before. During our first year of marriage, he would say that I had no right to change his life and that he would do whatever he wanted and that I should find things to do by myself. He changed for a bit, but then it was back to the same. Now he says that it is because he is building our future and that I have done nothing to contribute to the income. He has not fasted at all this year and only prays when he is forced to do so. I do not ask him to pray now because then I become a "nag", which is another excuse to not come home. He says that the stress at work is too much. I have no children because my husband says that he is not ready and that we are not financially stable. He makes a medium income, which is not bad in Canada, but it is not enough for his "lifestyle". I know that usually women are blamed for asking too much money from their husbands, but I do not complain and want to start a family. He says that I am selfish for wanting our future children to have an absentee father. He wants me to work but not just any work, he wants me to become a practicing doctor in Canada and then later have kids. I am not opposed to working, but he says that if I do not build a career, he might leave. I have gained over 40lbs in the past three years. I am so depressed. I am 30 years old. We have not been intimate in over six months. I am seeing a therapist. I am slowly getting better, but it is not fast enough for him.
Answer
May Allah make it easy for you in your difficult times. According to what you said, this is a very difficult situation for you as a wife. Allah, the Most High, ordered the woman to be an obedient wife to her husband in matters of goodness, and not in sins. Therefore one of the most difficult things for a pious wife is to have a sinful husband. In these types of situations, there are several steps that are to be taken, and you should never ignore them; here they are:
1- Turn to Allah alone with repentance and leave all sins.
2- Fix all of your shortcomings so that your repentance is sincere.
3- If you do not pray on time, repent to Allah and pray on time. If your hijab is not proper start, wearing the proper hijab, etc. Ask the people of knowledge so that you do everything according to the way of the Prophet .
4- Allah, the Most High, said in the Quran (what means): {Bad women are for bad men and good women are for good men…} [Quran 24:26] The above steps are to achieve goodness so that if Allah wills, He can make your husband change to be like you.
5- After doing the above and taking your time to achieve it, seek help from your local Muslim community to advise to your husband.
6- If nothing works but your husband prays, you should be patient with him and seek rewards from Allah; life is a test, and people are given by Allah what tests their faith. So you are in a test, and as long as he is a Muslim and prays five times a day, then you should be patient with him.
7- If he does not pray and refuses to change, you have grounds for a divorce, and you should not continue with such a person, and your seeking divorce should be for the sake of Allah to have a better religious life.
May Allah make it easy for you and bless your marriage.