Question
Assalaamu alaykum. May Allah reward you! I have been married for five years now and have two kids. My husband lives abroad and never calls me. He has not come for a year now. He only takes care of his family even though he has brothers, and he always ignores me for his family. The conditions are not good where he is staying, and I have asked him to come but he refused. Then I asked him why he married me if he had responsibilities. He got angry and asked me what I wanted; and that he would give me a divorce or a Khul‘ (divorce requested by the wife in return for compensation). Then he told me that his mind is not at its place because of tension. I love my kids, but my husband’s behavior is making me so tensed, and my father has also died recently. I live in my in-laws’ house and see a lot of trouble, and my health is getting worse. My husband loves his family, and I never objected to him doing anything for them and his brothers, but he does not understand that I am his wife and I also have rights. In this way, our relation is getting worse, so please help me.
Answer
May Allah make it easy for you! It is a very difficult situation, but Allah is the Most Merciful, and He will find a way for you by His Will. According to what you said, your husband is being unjust, he needs to seek advice; otherwise, he is subjecting himself to sinful acts. As for you, you are only responsible for your own actions. Facing any challenges in our lives should be done by our hearts, tongues, and physical actions. In your heart, you should realize the favors of Allah upon you; there are many bounties and favors of Allah which are countless. These favors should cause you to always be pleased with Allah, no matter what you face in this life. Looking into your situation, you should witness that Allah is the Most Wise and that everything is by the wisdom of Allah.
There are two folds to the solution: your husband and yourself.
As for your husband, you have no power to change him, but there are means that can be taken:
1- Supplicate Allah that He guides your husband’s heart.
2- Try to find out which scholars your husband likes and respects the most, call them and ask them to advise your husband. This can have a great effect on him.
As for what you do for yourself:
1- Increase your faith by doing good deeds.
2- Repent to Allah from all sins.
3- Realize that this life is a test from Allah and that we are all tested with what we like, and also with what we do not like.
4- Be grateful to Allah that your test is not more severe.
5- Attend circles of knowledge in your locality – if there are any – that would make you busy and change your perspective on things.
You might think that the above steps are irrelevant, but that is not true. There are so many means that are not physical but which we know from the Quran and the Sunnah, so be patient in applying what has been described above, and Allah will make it easy for you.
If nothing changes after all your efforts, then you might have to leave your husband if that is feasible for you where you live. There is no doubt that you are being treated unjustly, so you have the right to ask for a divorce if it would bring something better, and after first applying all of these means.
May Allah make it easy for you and bless your marriage.