Question
I hate myself so much. I am a girl that did not live like a regular girl. My family enforced the Hijab on me by beating and harassing me. In order to enforce my obedience, they grounded me for a week just to cover my face. I wear the Hijab regularly, but I hate it. The schools in my district did not accept me because of my visa. One of the schools did, but it was mostly an all-boys school. I could not befriend them of course, as the Hijab prevented me from making male friends there. Instead, I spent three years in the US without friends. This year, I went to a school similar to the idea of homeschooling. I hate it so much. My family is against women. It haunts me to this day how they enforced the Hijab on me and thought I had committed adultery as young as thirteen just because I fancied the luminous lights of NYC and decided to take a walk. It was just a walk... I feel suicidal right now. I have lost my "feminine me"; all I can think of is to be a transgender man. I loved the lifestyle of men more than that of women as young as 10, but I at least felt straight. Now the idea of feminism caused me to making this decision. All I want is to leave my family's house and marry a woman according to the Sunnah of the Prophet . It is not easy for me to deal with the situation of spending the whole week with my family who barely leave the house. Even though "America" thankfully changed them, all I can think of right now is that Islam, like Christianity in Europe, was just a civilization that will eventually modernize (and adapt) to today's world. I hated being a woman because of the way my family once spoke about it; they said that there would be no freedom until marriage. I hated men after that! I wanted to be a man to never have to deal with this. I am struggling; I cannot concentrate and deleted my social media accounts. I cannot stand the fact that I feel so bad and jealous whenever I see my friends who live a normal Middle-Eastern lifestyle with their friends and family. I came to the US for a purpose. The masjid offers no support.
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah.
May Allah bring peace and happiness to your life. Let me go through your letter and respond and then give you a summary at the end.
You said: I hate myself so much. I am a girl that did not live like a regular girl. My family enforced the Hijab on me by beating and harassing me. In order to enforce my obedience, they grounded me for a week just to cover my face. I wear the Hijab regularly, but I hate it.
You hate yourself because your parents enforced the Hijab on you; if that is true, then your parents wronged themselves and you by beating and harassing you. What you need to realize though is that your parents want good for you, but sometimes the utilized means are wrong. Islam is the true Religion from Allah that all Messengers of Allah embraced. We are a creation of Allah and are weak and in need, and Allah is the Lord of all that exists. Therefore, He is the Most Merciful, the Most Powerful, and the Most Wise, so He is the only one worthy of worship. We have to worship Him with love and submission, and we have to be obedient to Him with love and submission. He created you and ordered you with what fits you perfectly, but often times human beings think that they know better, which is wrong. A thief thinks that stealing is a good thing for him, but it is obviously wrong. In the same way, any act of disobedience to Allah is an evil thing, even if it fits our desires. Allah ordered you to wear the Hijab, so be obedient to Him and gain knowledge to see how beautiful that is. Be proud of yourself, do not hate yourself. Be proud that you are an obedient human being to Allah, the Most Merciful. The bad environment can make us think that it is perfect, this is when you said “I am a girl that did not live like a regular girl.” What is a regular girl? If you mean a girl that is treated well and does what children do, like playing etc., then yes, you deserve that, but if you mean to be like how the non-Muslims live their life, following their desires to the fullest, then that is not regular; rather, it is evil and destructive.
Allah gave us an intellect to think; how can the Creator of the heavens and the earth order us to do something and we hate it? It should be done with love. Supplicate that Allah instills the love of Allah and the love for the truth in your heart. Patience is one of the acts of worship that helps us to overcome our desires when they oppose the truth.
You said: The schools in my district did not accept me because of my visa. One of the schools did, but it was mostly an all-boys school. I could not befriend them of course, as the Hijab prevented me from making male friends there. Instead, I spent three years in the US without friends. This year, I went to a school similar to the idea of homeschooling. I hate it so much. My family is against women. It haunts me to this day how they enforced the Hijab on me and thought I had committed adultery as young as thirteen just because I fancied the luminous lights of NYC and decided to take a walk. It was just a walk...
What prevents a Muslim woman from having male friends is not the Hijab as far as clothing is concerned; rather, it is the obedience to Allah to protect one's chastity and dignity. When you look at how family ties are broken and children are born out of wedlock, that is abuse towards generations to come because of the greed and desires of the human beings away from the orders of Allah. Again, your family, according to what you said, were wrong in presenting the matter to you.
You said: I feel suicidal right now. I have lost my "feminine me"; all I can think of is to be a transgender man. I loved the lifestyle of men more than that of women as young as 10, but I at least felt straight. Now the idea of feminism caused me to making this decision. All I want is to leave my family's house and marry a woman according to the Sunnah of the Prophet . It is not easy for me to deal with the situation of spending the whole week with my family who barely leave the house.
Put your trust in Allah, the One Who created you and knows best how to cure you from what you feel. Suicide is never a solution; rather, it is a decision to enter Hellfire, where regret will never benefit. If you seek reward from Allah and have patience, life will have meaning to it; you will worship your Creator at times of ease and at times of difficulties. Shaytan (the devil) is making you think all these evil things to take you away from the mercy of Allah, so do what is right and supplicate Allah to help you.
Try to go to the Masjid and meet other girls there that can give you support. Life is a struggle. If you understand the nature of life, it will be easy for you. Your heart is the start. Fill your heart with the love of Allah; He has a plan for you, so do not ruin your life.
You might think that what I mentioned is of no benefit, but you have to try.
Here is what I suggest for you to do:
Turn to Allah alone sincerely and truthfully with supplication, seek forgiveness from Him, and ask Him to show you the truth and to make you hate falsehood.
I do not think that you pray. And if you are actually praying, then you are not doing it right. Pray your five daily prayers with humbleness and concentration, and ask Allah in your prayers.
Try to help others, give charity, feed the poor, etc. That would give meaning to your life.
Seek the company of good people who remind you of Allah. Be active in the masjid instead of seeking support from them.
May Allah make it easy for you!