·        "I do not love myself, for I am not a boy who is loved, nor am I skilled at sports. But who cares? My school marks are average. There are many things that I do not like to do, simply because I do not understand them. I do not like to try to do new things, as they give me feelings of apprehension and fear in my heart. I also dislike making decisions: which consequences shall ensue from making a wrong decision? In short, I do not have enough confidence in myself."  

-- By a child who lacks self-confidence.

·        "I think I am a clever boy. I have a few good friends and they listen to me sometimes.  Although I like to play sports, I am not good at it. I hope to have enough time to do all that I like to do, for I have to learn many things. I am not scared to make decisions, for there will be no problem even if I make a wrong decision, since I would inevitably find a way out of that."  

-- By a self-confident child.

It is taken for granted that self-confidence is essential for the child's healthy development. Children who lack this characteristic are more vulnerable to depression, anxiety and nutritional disorders, and may hold back from participating in the activities that they are supposed to enjoy. However, according to many experts, to be extremely importunate in planting the attribute of self-respect within the children may have negative consequences. Various studies and research indicate that many fathers try to achieve this in ways that are incorrect, including praising the child excessively, regardless of how necessary or unnecessary it might be.

Some fathers think that the child's self-confidence is primarily strengthened by appreciating his beautiful qualities and successful accomplishments continuously day after day. Society in certain cultures encourages parents to focus on the praiseworthy side of their children's personality, as this culture glorifies brilliant children. Hence, parents do this in the hope that their children will be brilliant too. Parents focus on important factors that form children’s personalities, including self-confidence. However experts think that reliance on excessive admiration and praise as a means to strengthen a child's self-confidence may not accomplish the desired outcome, for it would probably make the child get the wrong idea about the concept of excellence. He will want to excel in order to be praised, to be the center of attention, and admired by his parents -- not in order to be  distinguished.

What does self-confidence mean? To what extent is it important? Who is the self-confident child? Is there a contradiction between self-confidence and modesty? How can we help our children to be self-confident?

Dear caregiver, come with me first to know what self-confidence means.

Self-confidence or self-esteem

Dear caregiver, persons who have self-esteem always respect themselves, control their behavior and trust their decisions. A self-confident child always expects to meet success in his life, thinks well of himself, breathes confidence into himself, and welcomes constructive criticism. No child thinks well of himself and behaves badly at the same time.

Contrary to that, a child who lacks self-confidence and self-esteem hardly respects himself and does not trust his acts and decisions. For this reason, children who lack self-esteem always face difficulties in their learning, are afraid of everything, do not persevere, are extremely sensitive about what others say to them , and hold others responsible for their failure.

The importance of children's self-confidence

Dear caregiver, the importance of self-confidence seems evident from the risk of the absence of self-confidence. Children who lack self-esteem see this world as a terrifying place. They feel they are worthless and they do not believe in themselves. Since such children feel that they are losers within their community, they always expect to fail and behave in accordance with that concept. Once this happens, all that they do is to stop from any further attempt, on the basis that non-participation is the safest choice for the child who does not feel secure in order to avoid failure and discomfort. When he does not run the risk of doing anything, he indeed does nothing at all. To him, abstention from attempting is better for him than an attempt which ultimately results in failure, for the child could say, "I have not made any attempt at all", which is better for him than to say, "I have done my best but failed."

Consequently, there will be children who do not know the value of this life, the significance of hard work and effort, and the meaning of patience and persistence. There will be Muslim children who surrender to humiliation, failure, and trivial things with which they satisfy their desires for success. They will satisfy their desire for success by harming others, taking drugs, or stealing; and thus, inclining to deviation. That is because they are void of the real success, and man, by nature, is in dire need of success.

It should be known to parents that children need to be instilled with a sense of self-respect and the impression that they are worthy of admiration and esteem. They will always seek to get to the remarkable position which strengthens their own selves and confirms their importance. For this reason, they will always need to do things which make them prominent, and use their capabilities and potentials constructively.

How can you implant self-confidence in your child?

1-    You have to make it clear to your child that he is an important person, i.e. to treat him well. The best example for this is the story of the spilled milk. Suppose you invite a very important person to dinner, and during the meal, he spills a cup of milk. How would you respond to this ? Of course, you would say,"Don't worry. Such incidents always happen. Wait a moment, let me dry it, let me clean the place." However, if your child spills a cup of milk in the absence of that guest, you would surely assume a completely different approach, wouldn't you? However, you should act the same way as you would act with the important guest.

2-    Endeavor to teach your child that to exert effort is essential to success and that the fruit of  perseverance is always good. Tell him, for example, that "To get a high mark in science is not easy. On the contrary, it will cost you a great deal of effort and hard work."

3-    Do not do for your children the things which they could do by themselves. Your excessive care about your children may give rise to the feeling of fear and laziness in them.

4-    Teach your children how to accept their weak points in the same way that they accept their strong points. Children who lack self-confidence only see their points of weakness. Thus, to focus only on their deficiencies makes them close their eyes to the positive aspects of their characters.

5-    In the child's first stage of study, an important feeling should be supported, relating to his mental activity which is in the process of being formed, i.e. the feeling of success. This feeling is born at a very early stage. Naturally, he rejoices when praised, and grieves a great deal when blamed or reproached for his mistakes. The feeling of happiness motivates his desire to do different work in a better and more accurate way, but grief could either extinguish the desire or give rise to a wave of power to seek to correct mistakes, pass over slips and obtain better results. But the positive feelings remain better motivations.

6-    Teach your children how to get over frustration and replace it with a positive attitude and learn how to resist defeat.

7-    You should assume an effective role in boosting your children's self-esteem, by supporting and encouraging them;  providing them with feedback if it is possible, and informing them that they have the power to dispose of their affairs, and by recalling situations that they faced in the past. Once you have confidence in your children, teach them how to have confidence in themselves; and that is, indeed, the best motive for them.

Finally

A successful parent is the one who instils confidence in his child, and encourages him to dare to work without fear or shyness, and not the one who always frustrates his child, or describes his acts as disapproved and unacceptable. A successful parent is the one who inculcates his child with confidence in his manners and habits, and does not give him the impression that his behavior is lacking. Confidence always gives rise to confidence; and the child always fears lest his father loses confidence in him, so he continues to try to meet the positive expectations.