Assalaamu alaykum. Ever since we got married ten years ago, my wife has always been fighting with me because she never listens nor obeys me. She always argues and she is wrong most of the time. She has three kids, but she became even crazier after that, and she cannot stand them and always beats them. Every summer, she runs to her family with the kids for the whole summer and leaves me alone. She caused a big problem for me with the government and with my family. They said that she took some money and never told me. She made me buy an expensive house a couple years ago, and I had to borrow from everywhere to do that, and every one me hates for that, including my family, and they all think that I am rich. I ended up just selling everything to get rid of it, and then she wanted a house back home for summer. Now she says that she would like to stay there for at least a year and see. And she said that until I can buy a very expensive house, she will stay back home. After I sold my house, I rented another one in the same street, which is not bad. She said that it is not good and kept fighting and caused me a headache. My kids learn Quran a lot better here in America instead of learning bad things back home. I was thinking about taking time off and go back home to tell her and her mom that if she does not come back, then she is done, because now they hardly answer my phone calls and avoid me. I even gave the kids iPads in order to stay in touch with me and see me, but they hardly ever do that. So they want the kids to forget their father. I feel so sad. I do not want to just keep working and stay alone and maybe do some bad things. What do you suggest?

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. 

You mentioned many evil matters about your wife, some of which are enough to prove that she is disobedient and recalcitrant, such as disobeying you and traveling without your permission. We have already clarified how to treat a recalcitrant wife in fatwa 85402, so please refer to it.

You should follow these steps with her and seek the help of rational and righteous people from among your family and hers if necessary. If she is reformed and behaves well, then this is what is required, otherwise you should consider divorcing her. Perhaps divorce is the best solution when marital relations are impossible and when the objectives of marriage are not achieved.

Ibn Qudaamah said, “It could be that the relationship between the spouses is very bad and the continuity of the marriage is pure harm by obliging the husband to spend and provide accommodation and keeping the wife while there are bad marital relations and permanent disputes without any benefit, so this required legislating what would put an end to the marriage so that the harm resulting from it ends.”

However, if you want to be patient with her for the sake of the children and the like, then there is no harm in that. In that case, you may consider marrying a second wife provided that you are able to be just between them. For more benefit, please refer to fatwa 86818.

Finally, it should be noted that your mother-in-law should beware of being a reason for worsening the problem between her daughter and her husband. If she interferes, it should be for reconciliation, otherwise she should stay away.

We also advise not to get the children involved in the marital problems or to make them hate their father, as this leads to undutifulness to the father and severing the ties of kinship.

Allah knows best.