Assalaamu alaykum. It is urgent, please help me. I started dating my husband in 2009 and we got married in 2011, in secret, without the consent of my parents. The marriage was carried out in an Islamic way, but since there was no one from my side, his uncle was my guardian. Before marriage, he used to abuse me and my family, but I thought that he would change with time. We never lived together as he used to work in a foreign country, so we would meet for only one month every year, but we did consummate the marriage. After six months of our marriage, he told me that he fornicated before our marriage and also used to drink alcohol. I forgave him and asked him to never do that again, but after just one year of our marriage, he started having relations with other women (not physical), and he started drinking again. When I found out about it, I forgave him, and he said that he would never do it again, but he started talking to other women after some time. This time I was very hurt and broken. I lost all respect for him, but I still wanted to continue this marriage with the hope that he would change. It has been five years now, and he abuses me every day. I do not live with him, I live with my parents as my parents do not know about our marriage. He calls me every filthy word that he can and also drinks alcohol. I have tried to work this marriage out in every way I could, but I cannot tolerate his abuse anymore. I know that my parents would never agree for me to marry him, and if we have to live together, then I would have to leave my parents forever. Please help me out and show me the Islamic way. Should I get divorced and tell my parents about it? Please help. Thank you.

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

Marital life is an edifice that should be based on sound foundations, starting from the right choice, that is to say, choosing a man who is religious and has a good moral conduct, as the Prophet said, "If a man whose religion and moral conduct are pleasing to you proposes to you (i.e., to marry a woman under your guardianship), then let him marry." [Ibn Maajah and others]

Also, the conditions of a valid marriage must be met in marriage, the most important of which is the consent and presence of the guardian. According to the view of the majority of the scholars, a marriage without the consent of the guardian is void. Please refer to fatwas 83629 and 84811.

Now, if we look at your marriage, whose bitter fruits you are now reaping because of not observing those foundations, then we find that it was built on an illicit relationship, and it is forbidden in Islam for a woman to have such a relationship with a non-Mahram (marriageable) man outside the framework of a valid marriage. Indeed, it is forbidden in Islam to take boyfriends, as Allah says (what means): {….nor those who take [secret] lovers.} [Quran 4:25]

On the other hand, your marriage to that man took place without the consent of your guardian; this is not permissible in Islam and the marriage is not valid, as we have already mentioned. Therefore, it is a void marriage, and the separation must be made either by an Islamic judge annulling it, or by any authority that may act instead of the judge, such as Islamic Centers in non-Muslim countries, or that your husband divorces you. So choose the alternative that is possible for you. It is not permissible for you to marry another man before this marriage is annulled [by divorce or a judge or an Islamic Center].

For more benefit, please refer to fatwa 92478.

You do not have to tell your parents about what happened, and it might be better not to inform them, as there is mostly no benefit in doing so. However, in the future, you must abide by the Islamic conditions, among which is that your marriage must be conducted by your guardian.

Allah knows best.