Assalaamu alaykum. I need some help; I have known a guy for five years and been married to him for one year. We got married without my parents' consent as we believed that it was sinful to keep a relationship. I have come to know that he was already married and has kids. My family knows this guy but does not know of our marriage. I started to accept his previous marriage and kids, and so did my family, as they knew we have liked each other for a long time and that there was no way we would leave each other. He said that he would not leave his first wife as his sister is married to his wife's brother. I do not know if he has been lying to me about his wife living back home. During an argument, he spoke to my mum and said nasty stuff about me. He told her that he has been telling me that he is already married with kids and that he will live with his (first) wife. He also told her that I am ugly and that I should not contact her. After that phone call, I received a text saying that he wants to divorce me. He does not want to sin by divorcing me, so I have to do it so that I would carry the sin. He also owed me some money and returned that back to me, but he demanded to take the Mahr (dowry) out of my money because it was his. He said that he would return Mahr once our divorce is completed. I do not have anything to say to him as I have been threatened that he will harm me in the future if I do or say anything against him to anyone. I really do not want to be divorced; I am completely broken. Should I go ahead with the divorce? My family are expecting me to marry someone else; they do not know anything about the marriage, and I do not want to tell them as they will all go against me. Please help me.

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.

One of the most serious mistakes is being lax in having unlawful relationships with the opposite sex; verily, such relationships are the traps of the devil to cause temptation and corruption. Indeed, the devil is the sworn enemy of man, and Allah warned us about him; Allah, The Exalted, says (what means): {Indeed, Satan is an enemy to you; so take him as an enemy. He only invites his party to be among the companions of the Blaze.} [Quran 35: 6]

Marriage is the legitimate means to bring together those who are in love, and the Islamic Shariah encourages marriage. Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, "There is nothing like marriage for two who love one another." [Ibn Maajah]

If this marriage was conducted without the presence and approval of the bride's Wali (legal guardian), it is defective and must be terminated by annulment or divorce. Please, refer to fatwa 83629. Assuming that the marriage is valid in any acceptable way, if, for instance, the judge or whoever acted in his stead acted as the bride's Wali, then given the husband's mistreatment, divorce is better in this case. If he divorces you, he bears no sin for that since divorce is allowed. However, it is disliked when there is no need for it. If you ask for a divorce, then you bear no sin for that because what is forbidden is that the wife asks for a divorce without a valid reason for it.

If the situation is as you described and he does not want to retain the marriage, then you should not hold on to it. Rather, you should ask Allah to bless you with another good man to marry you. You are not obliged to inform your family of this matter or inform the man who proposes to you. However, if he stipulates that his wife must be a virgin, you are obliged to inform him of your situation ahead of time.

As for the dowry, we understood from the question that your husband wants to take the dowry from the money that you lent him. You should know that it is impermissible for him to take the dowry except with your consent because it is the right of the wife and her personal property; it is not the property of the husband. Allah, The Exalted, says (what means: {And give the women (upon marriage) their (bridal) gifts graciously. But if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then take it in satisfaction and ease.} [Quran 4:4]

Allah knows best.