I am in a complicated situation. Me and my husband had a case where he uttered a severe insult to Allah SWT in anger. He repented immediately. Few years later, he said words of a conditional divorce that might lead to tripple divorce (repitition was mentioned). We got a fatwa from reliable scholar that it did not count because he did not have intention of divorce. But my mind was not at rest as I always followed hanafi madhab. So I was afraid to mix between madhabs invalidly. The issue of kufr word previously said by my husband also bugged me in background after studying some fatwas. From a hanafi scholar, I got fatwa that saying kufr word immediately nullified our marriage. So that later divorce did not count. Also we have to renew our marriage to live together. So we renewed marriage. But my strong waswas always told me I might have imagined or not exactly remembered my husband's kufr words, may be I made that up to save marriage etc. So getting disturbed, I revisited that incident in my mind and reassured myself that my husband's incident of insulting Allah ( Naujubillah) indeed happened and the hanafi fatwa I took about divorce not happening is correct. So we are married now that we renewed. I did such thought for several months time to time. But suddenly, I realized how can I console myself by confirming in my mind an incident where Allah was insulted? Should not a Muslim never want that even it benefits him in worldly life? Although it is in the past but I can never accept that. Although I pray and istighfar a lot continously but I fear did I commit kufr of thought or believe for months? Am I still a Muslim and my marriage valid? How can I be sure I repent from wanting that incident to be true (just so that later talaq would not count) where my husband insulted Allah? Please help me. I have depression, anxiety and strong waswas.

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

It is clear that you are extremely affected with Waswaas (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).

You have mentioned in your question many diversified issues and we do not think that it will be useful to indulge in them with someone in your situation.

Nonetheless, what we can say is that what you mentioned does not affect your faith, and you are (still) a believer.

The Hanafi School of jurisprudence view in regard to the validity of the bond of marriage of an apostate is indeed the same Fatwa which the Shaykh from the Hanafi told you.

Al-‘Abbaadi, from Hanafi School of jurisprudence, said in his book Sharh Mukhtasar Al-Qadoori (also from Hanafi School of jurisprudence):

"If one of the spouses apostates, then a divorce takes place between them, as a way of separating them, without the need for (the husband to utter) divorce, according to both of them (i.e. Abu Haneefah and his student Abu Yusuf)." [End of quote]

After he repents from his apostasy, you become lawful to him with a new marriage contract. You already did so (renewed your contract), and therefore, your marriage is valid as well as your faith and what you mentioned about what your husband said to the Shaykh does not affect your marriage.

So, seek refuge in Allah from the accursed devil and his whispers and do not continue to think about them. The best way to treat these whispers is to repel them and ignore them.

Shaykh Ibn Taymiyyah said in his book Dar’ Ta’aarudh Al-’Aql wan-Naql:

"This waswaas (whispers) can be gotten rid of by seeking refuge with Allah (from it) and ignoring it. If [the Shaytan] says, ‘you did not wash your face,’ one should say, ‘Yes, I did wash my face;’ if he thinks to himself that he did not have an intention (for prayer) or did not say Allahu Akbar, he should say in his heart, ‘Yes I did have an intention and I did say Allahu Akbar.’ He should cling steadfastly to the truth (that his action is valid) and ward off the waswaas that contradicts this. This way, the devil will see that one is strong and steadfast and is firm on his action, and will therefore, leave him alone. Otherwise, when he (the devil) sees that one is influenced by doubts and responsive to waswaas, he will cast in his mind more waswaas until he will be unable to resist and his heart will become receptive to the whispers of the jinn and human devils, and he will move from one thing to another until Satan drives him to destruction." [End of quote]

Allah knows best.