السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاتهI'm carrying a great abomination inside me that is attraction to my gender. The reason being, abhorrent environment which I grew up in. I'm not acting upon these urges, as I feel totally disgusted about myself. Right to the point. I'm afraid that someone like me is a plague in Islam, and I don't want to lie either to my friends nor to my family, as I know how will they react. I'm craving for the execution, but it can't be ordered in my case. So, is it permissible for me to commit suicide to cleanse myself?

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu`alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.

Dear questioner, it is not permissible for you to kill yourself, and the purification of the soul is by repentance and piety, not by committing suicide. Allah The Exalted says (what means): {...And do not kill yourselves [or one another]. Indeed, Allah is to you ever Merciful. And whoever does that in aggression and injustice - then We will drive him into a Fire. And that, for Allah, is [always] easy.} [Quran 4:29-30] There is also the Hadeeth about a man who killed himself: “My Slave hurried to bring death upon himself so I have forbidden him (to enter) Paradise.” [Al-Bukhari] Thus, killing oneself is a reason for entering the Fire, Allah forbid, and what you mentioned does not justify suicide, it does not even entail a punishment in the first place, so whoever does not commit indecency shall not be punished under Sharee'ah, even if he finds inclinations to do it, so fear Allah The Exalted and do not follow the footsteps of Satan, for he wants to throw you into the Hell to be from its firewood.

We also advise you not to get carried away with homosexual tendencies, for it is contrary to the natural inborn inclination that Allah Almighty created people on, and if the abhorrent environment in which you live in helps to commit immorality, then leave it and emigrate to another environment, because this will push you towards repentance, as reported in the Hadeeth of the man who killed ninety nine souls and he wanted to repent, and he was told by a knowledgeable man: “You better go to such and such land; there are people devoted to prayer and worship and you also worship along with them and do not come to the land of yours since it was an evil land (for you)…” This Hadeeth was reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim. Its wording is according to a narration of Muslim.

Moreover, marriage is enjoined by Sharee’ah and extinguishes lust, and it provides immunity from immorality, so strive to get married to stop yourself and your devil from luring you into what Allah has forbidden, and we ask Allah to purify your heart, guard your chastity, and inspire you to your senses.

Allah knows best.