Home
Discover Islam
Quran Recitations
Lectures
Fatwa
Articles
Fiqh
E-Books
Women
Boys & Girls 
Hajj Rulings
Hajj Fatwas
What would you do if your child irritates you while shopping and insists on having whatever he sees in the toy store?
Once, at a store, my child stood in front of more than one toy. He pounded his feet on the floor so that I would buy it for him, but I refused. He insisted more, so I rebuked him and I took his hand and pulled him along to finish our shopping. He walked with me while he was crying.
On our way home, I met a close friend of mine, and her daughter had a toy in her hand. As soon as we shook hands to part, my son grabbed her daughter's toy. He insisted on taking it home. He asked the little girl whether he could keep the toy, and promised to let her play with all his toys when she came with her mother on a visit.
My son's conduct embarrassed me. After a long and tiresome debate, he gave up the toy and he walked home very sadly. We arrived at home and I was busy arranging what I had bought. My son kept calling me, almost every minute; he was asking for sweets or what he should play with. He also showed me his coloring in a children's magazine and asked me when we would visit his grandmother and whether I would leave him there to stay the night.
I felt irritated and could not stand this pressure any longer. I recalled my son's conduct at the store as well as his behavior with the toy of my friend's daughter. So, I screamed at him with all my might and forced him out of the kitchen. He ran out crying and I was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and regret. I asked myself what I should do.
Have you ever felt the same way towards your child? Have you ever had an experience like that of this mother? Were you able to handle it properly?
Let us know how that mother should have behaved in order to have a peaceful day without hurting the feelings of her innocent son.
Phyllis Hostler, an educational expert, says that there is a problem that almost all parents face; this is the children’s insistence on having something new whether in the toy store, the candy section, or even what they find in their peers' hands, even if it is less in value than what they already own.
To solve this problem, Hostler highlights a fact that parents are usually unaware of: this kind of superficial attachment to new things is natural even with adults. However, adults do not feel sad when they do not get everything they want.
Hence, this wonderful, “Mommy I want” should not be taken seriously in most cases. It only expresses a temporal wish and by dealing with the situation properly, the child will not insist on having it fulfilled.
If we consider it in this way, we will stop describing our children as ungrateful, grumbling, and greedy in addition to other accusations that are made on shopping trips.
What should we do instead of reprimanding our children and blaming ourselves for making them unhappy?
Phyllis Hostler answers the question saying that we should be patient when the child declares his desire to have something. We could say, "This is really nice, isn’t it? Did you see this toy?" We should continue to speak nicely to him, saying, "You have good taste in choosing toys."
Showing kindness in that way will help the child who stands at the front of the store and will not make him feel that he was wrong for expressing his wish aloud. This also effectively lessens the desire to look at things. Also, seeing many things which the child loves will lessen his strong attraction to his first choice.
At other times, we can try to satisfy his desire intelligently by telling him, for instance, ”I think you have enough money in your box to buy that, if you are sure that this is what you want to buy. Let’s go home and see”. This will help the child learn that money is intended to be exchanged for something else and this is a necessary lesson that teaches him that saving is useful. Hence, we should realize that the child is acting normally when he runs here and there fascinated by whatever he sees at the toy store and expressing his spontaneous admiration. However, if he does not behave like this because he cannot get what he wants, or he does not seem to be interested, then this is where we should start to be concerned.
Phyllis Hostler mentions another form of behavior that disturbs the parents, namely when the child snatches his friend’s doll or toy while they are about to leave, saying, “I want to keep it with me” or, “Can I take it home?” Hostler confirms that this child is only making a small mistake according to adult standards. At least, in this case the child is sincerely expressing his desire to have a specific toy. We can distract his attention by shifting the dialogue to something else by asking him, “Which one of your toys will you give your friend in return for this toy,” or, you may address his friend, saying, “Don’t forget to bring this toy with you whenever you come so you can play with it together.”
Another form of attachment that disturbs the mother, particularly at home, is her child’s incessant requests. He keeps chasing her all over the house asking her to play with him, give him a piece of candy, look at anything or asking her what he should do when his friend comes. This torrent of requests is only intended to draw the mother’s attention and to say to her, "Why are you not speaking with me? Look at me and communicate with me!"
All these kinds of demands are only meant to be compensation for something else which is more lasting and which his mother deprives him of. Unfortunately, our expert goes on, some mothers find this compensation an easy alternative for their negligence of their child who is unsure of certain things, like his mother’s love for him or unsure of his position in the home. He finds solace and security in the things that he can get. The candy that his mother offers him is at least a form of communication with her. The toys which he owns and which increase in quantity and quality assure him and others that he is an important person at home.
Hence, it is futile to use force with the child who does not want to share his toys with his friends or who snatches his friends' toys. Force will never teach him anything because he only listens to the voice that is echoing in his own life. Moreover, he will only see that he is deprived of what he sees.
The solution to this problem and all the children’s problems is to secure their insecurity to the utmost degree, give them the kind looks and warm arms that they need as well as the reassuring comments that relieve them; like, "You made a very good thing; I like it very much." This will reassure them and give them relief.
