I am 41 years old and have been married to my 42 year-old husband for 18 years. We have five children. Now I feel like it is time to divorce him. Ever since we have known each other I have felt that he doesn’t love me. I think he just stays with me because he liked the sex first and more now because of the kids. Every so often we quarrel and he insults me personally and unfairly calling me all sorts of names. Although this is not physical abuse, it feels the same and sometimes worse than physical abuse. Usually the quarrels begin when I state an opinion of my own and as long as I agree with everything he says and does, all is fine, but the moment I talk about my feelings things go wrong. When we do have sex (which is rare), it is beautiful, but I always want more. Maybe you are wondering why I have decided now? The truth is that I love him and have always consoled myself that one day he will love me too, because I thought me love was strong enough and true enough for it to happen. But it doesn’t seem to happen. Now I have had enough, and his insults hurt. Every time he feels like throwing abuse, he asks me why I’m still with him and when am I going to leave him as I keep promising to do. Any advice?

Dear Sister,

All praise is to Allah Who has established the institution of marriage and blessed the union.. of man and woman in it so that they might enjoy one another in love and mutual regard. Marriage in Islam is one-half of our religion. In marriage how a man treats his wife and how a wife treats her husband can be acts of worship of Allah if they love Him and act according to His commands.

Allah has blessed you and your husband to be married for eighteen years and has given you five children. In spite of your quarreling you say there is still love between you. Praise Allah and be grateful to Him for it.

Dear Sister, you and your husband must know that quarreling between husband and wife is from Satan, for he likes nothing better than to bring discord between a husband and wife, according to hadith by Muslim. Know that in Islam a husband is to cover the faults of his wife, and she his faults. You must speak kindly to one another, and treat each other kindly and with patience.

Be aware when a quarrel is about to start that it is Satan trying to sow mischief between the two of you. Repulse his approach by remembering Allah and seeking refuge in Him from Satan’s power. Then speak kind, loving words to your husband; yes, it is even permissible to lie to each other in marriage to make peace and promote good will.

Remember that Allah has promised to bring ease after every difficulty, and that there are two relieves with every difficulty. Know to that Allah does not burden a person beyond his scope; He is Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Dear Sister, you must know, too, that threatening to leave your husband is the same as if he threatened to divorce you in terms of how it must make him feel. Husbands should not make such threats idly to their wives, especially when they are angry or annoyed with them for trivial reasons. Wives should avoid doing the same, and especially since wives cannot leave their husbands without legal reasons.

You and your husband should make every effort to reconcile your differences, vow to maintain mutual respect for one another. Recall the happiness you once had together, the sweetness of the intimacy that you both still enjoy and still want to share. Also, try to look forward to the years ahead together, seeing your children grown, married and your grandchildren on the way. Make plans for what you want to do during these coming years.

By all means pray together; study Islam together. We’re never so knowledgeable that we can’t learn more about our religion, or anything else for that matter. Read material together on topics that may interest both of you and discuss what you’ve read. Develop relations with other pious Muslim couples who may also like to have good conversation.

In addition, you and your husband may try spending a little time away together, just the two of you. Most of all tell each other how much you really care for each other. Remember this: people who hurt the most, care the most. From what you mentioned in your letter you and your husband still care deeply for each other. You just need to work harder at getting Satan out of the picture.

May Allah replace our difficulties with ease, rekindle love and compassion between husbands and wives, and bring stability and permanence in homes where Muslim children are being raised.