Assalamu aleikum, I am a non-muslim who got married to a muslim man. Initially, I converted to islam because I was afraid to lose him. After marriage I started to doubt my faith and a few months later I renounced it. Now I don't know if our marriage is valid anymore since I'm not practicing any religion. My husband thinks that I will eventually become muslim, so he doesn't want family and friends to know about this. But meanwhile, should we live separate lives until I convert for real? Also, I'm wearing islamic clothing to please my husband, but I feel very wrong in doing so as I might be seen as a muslim representative. I am feeling very confused, sometimes I even think that I am worshipping my husband instead of God. But as I was not raised into any religion I don't know how to establish a relationship with God. I think I should have tried to do that before I met my husband. Sometimes I'm feeling very empty, and life seems meaningless to me. But when I'm with my husband I don't have those empty feelings, he makes me feel safe and loved. I'm wondering if this is a form of shirk? And how could I establish a relationship with God? I hope you have some advice for me.

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.

There is neither might nor power except by Allaah. Do you know what apostasy means? It means that you are in a very serious and dangerous situation. If you die in this situation, you lose this world and the Hereafter. Allaah Says (what means): {And whoever of you reverts from his religion [to disbelief] and dies while he is a disbeliever -for those, their deeds have become worthless in this world and the Hereafter, and those are the companions of the Fire; they will abide therein eternally.}[Quran 2:217]

Therefore, you should endeavor to repent and re-embrace Islam before death comes to you unexpectedly; as at that time regrets will be of no avail. We advise you to turn to Allaah with a sincere heart and supplicate Him to enable you to accept belief and beautify it in your heart. Moreover, you should seek beneficial knowledge, perform good deeds and befriend pious and righteous women; all this will increase your faith and strengthen your relationship with Allaah.

There is no doubt that you will need to be patient and suppress your desires. Besides, you should avoid all factors that could have a negative impact on your religion, like befriending a bad company or being in a bad environment and the like.

As regards marital life, the marriage contract becomes void as soon as one of the spouses apostates. Therefore, it is not permissible for your husband to have sexual intercourse with you as long as you are in this situation. However, if you re-embrace Islam, he is permitted to take you back as a wife with a new marriage contract if your waiting period had already expired.

With regard to your feelings of safety and love when you are with your husband, then this is not Shirk at all, rather this is a natural instinct.