Assalaamu alaykum. I want to ask about a very serious matter. It may be silly, but it has effected me very much. I used to pray very much Tahajjud (voluntary night prayer), give Sadaqah (charity), and recite Quran every day, but suddenly something thing happened to me, and it lead me to doubting my faith and even lead me to thinking about suicide. The thing is, I used to do the good actions during my time when I was a student at high school. But after high school, I was forced to take a gap year because I had bad grades. So I went to the Employment Service and joined a project. I was required to search for some jobs every month, and in return they gave me 200-300 dollars per month. I searched for jobs and fullfilled every single requirement of the Employment Service to get payed (for basic needs like food and clothes). My problem is that I am not sure whether I am sincere in searching jobs. Often times, I do it because I am getting paid by them, and I do not search with the right intention; nevertheless, I do not lie or fabricate things in my monthly report (I search jobs and show proof to them - without lying). Often times, I think like this: I search for jobs and hope I do not get any; I have done this for months. My aim was to get paid by searching for jobs, and my intention was to not get the job, but I did not lie or so. It was only in my heart. For the majority of the searched jobs, I got rejected and remained unemployed. Is that haram money? My problem was that for many months, I saw this as haram money and refrained from doing extra worship, from giving Sadaqah, and so on. Sometimes, I thought about committing suicide because consuming haram money is a big sin. I do not know if that is Waswaas (whispers from the devil) or so. Please, can you tell me if this is haram money or not? Maybe, by Allah's grace, you can save a life by telling the truth.

All perfect praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

Please, take it easy on yourself, as there is no need to worry about this matter or to be stressed because of it or to think about suicide.

If you were required to find a job, and you searched to find one, then there is nothing wrong in benefiting from this money.

The feeling in your heart of wishing not to find a job does not affect the lawfulness of this money; it is not haraam (prohibited).

Fearing that this money might be haraam is perhaps a sign of goodness in you and evidence of faith, so do not let the devil spoil your religion with his whispers; rather, strive to return to your first state or even better in performing acts of obedience and acts of worship. If you start doing this, then Allah will make it easy for you, Allah willing. Allah says (what means): {And those who strive for Us - We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good.} [Quran 29:69]

Suicide is a very serious matter, and its consequences are evil. We have clarified its prohibition and given some advice to someone who thinks about it in fatwas 34194 and 84296; so please refer to them.

Allah knows best.