I only recently got married as a second wife to my husband. We had been wanting to marry for a long time but due to circumstances, he married another woman before he asked for my hand in marriage again. My husband's first marriage didn't work out, so he told me before marrying him that he didn't want anything to do with her anymore, so he will divorce her. He has only divorced her legally not Islamically. Is it right for him to be still married to her if he doesn't want her? Several times my husband has gone behind my back to visit his first wife and take her out places without telling, and I have come to find out other ways. I am being hurt as I married this man against my family's wishes, and all he does is lie to me. He says that a man can lie to his wife in certain circumstances, is this true? I feel he is not being fair to me or his other wife. I don't know what to do? His first wife has caused a lot of trouble for his family and me also, and so I just don't understand what my husband is doing?

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

Our modest advice to you is that you should seek Allah's help in solving all your problems. Seek refuge in patience, prayers, Du'aa’ (supplication), and maintain your obedience to Allah, the Exalted. You may have a quiet and gentle discussion with your husband in order to reach out a positive result by which he would improve his treatment and conduct with you. You have to know that he is entitled to stay with his first wife as long as he has not divorced her, for the divorce undertaken by non-Islamic courts without the husband's consent or pronouncement of words of divorce is not valid from the Islamic point of view. Even if he divorces her, he may return to her. Concerning not letting you know of his marriage to her and his visiting many places with her without informing you, then there is no sin in that, for he got married to her before you. You should know that Allah did not give you authority over him neither before marriage nor after it. A husband is not obliged to inform his wife about all his affairs. On the other hand, you have no right to ask him to divorce his first wife.

The Prophet said: “A woman must never ask for the divorce of her sister (i.e. her co-wife) in order to inflict harm on her.”

But, if he wishes to keep you both, he has to deal with you justly in terms of expenditure and in staying overnight with each one of you, as the Prophet said: “When a husband has two wives and does not act justly between them, he will come on the Day of Judgment with a side of his body hanging down (as a form of punishment)." [Abu Daawood and classified as authentic by Al-Albaani]

There is no sin if he loves one of you more than the other, because love is relevant to the heart and a person has no control over his emotional inclination. ‘Aa’ishah said: “Allah's Messenger used to deal justly with his wives and say: “Oh Allah, this is my (way) of sharing what I own (have); do not reproach me for what I do not own as You Alone own (every thing).” [Abu Daawood and classified as authentic by Al-Hakim and Ath-Thahabi]

As to your getting married to this man without the consent of your family, if your marriage was conducted by the permission of your Wali (guardian: father, brother, uncle, etc.), then it is a valid marriage. You may amend your family's discontent regarding your marriage by convincing them of the choice you have made. But if your marriage was done without the permission or consent of a Wali or someone in his place, then the marriage is not valid. The Prophet said: “No marriage (is valid) without a Wali.” [Ahmad, Abu Daawood, At-Tirmithi, Ibn Maajah, and Al-Haakim; and classified as authentic by Al-Haakim, Ath-Thahabi, Al-Albaani, and Al-Arna'oot]

Another Hadeeth reads: “Any woman who is married without her Wali's permission, her marriage is void.” [Ahmad, Abu Daawood, and At-Tirmithi, and classified as authentic by Al-Albaani, and Al-Arna'oot]

As for telling lies, it is forbidden and it is one of the attributes of the hypocrites, as per the Hadeeth that reads: “The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks he tells lies, when he makes a promise, he breaks his promise, and when he is entrusted he betrays his trust.”

Yet, the Sharee’ah (Islamic law) is tolerant vis-à-vis telling lies between the spouses in order to improve the relations between them, as in the exaggeration that one of them shows regarding his/her emotions towards the other, etc. But if it leads to the loss of confidence of one of them in the other, then it should be avoided. The best way to overcome your problems with your co-wife is to maintain self-restraint and to react to mischief with philanthropy and good manners. Allah Says (what means): {But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great portion [of good].} [Quran 41:35]

Allah knows best.