Me and my wife are passing through worst period of our married life. Following are our four conflicts which I believe are my rights while she deny: 1. She refuse to do French kissing with me all the time (Which I want) with the logic that her heart don't want to do it with me because she feel that I have no importance for her in my life while I think that I give her the importance and her feeling is wrong. However she do intercourse with me whenever I need and she is of the view that her duty towards my sexual needs is only intercourse and she is not obliged to do anything else. Please advise? 2. She is of the view that cooking or housekeeping is not her duty as a wife as per ISLAMIC teachings. Please advise? 3. Whenever we have conflict on some issue and we have debate, she talk loud and sometimes use abusive language as well. I also use to talk loud without abusive language. Please tell us in details about respect obligations for both husband and wife towards each other? 4. She is of the view that she is not obliged to obey me in the matters where we have conflict or which are against ISLAMIC teachings. Please note that we also have conflict that in my view my instructions are not against ISLAM while she thinks that they are. One example is that I told her to go back to our country immediately after performing Hajj (We are living in Saudi Arabia since 3 years) permanently while I shall join her after two months and she is of the view that my this order will take her away from Holy Mosques and she is not obliged to follow me while I have other problems to send her back. Please advise if my instructions are not valid or her refusal is not valid? Also advise that in Non Religious matters, how much she can argue with me and if she is obliged to follow me or not?

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His Slave and Messenger.

Firstly, we would like to draw your attention to the fact that one of the most important objectives of marriage in Islam is for both partners to attain psychological stability. Allaah, The Exalted, says (what means): {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} [Quran 30:21]

The spouses should strive to attain that objective so that they enjoy a happy marriage and for the children to grow up in a good and healthy environment. One of the important means to accomplish this objective is for the spouses to carry out their duties and fulfill the rights of the other spouse as due; please refer to Fataawa 85167 and 85308 about the rights of the spouses concerning each other.

Secondly, the wife is obliged to obey her husband in all kinds of permissible sexual enjoyment unless there is a valid reason not to do so, like if she cannot endure such a kind of sexual enjoyment or there is something from the side of the husband that repels the wife from his putting her in the position to do it. It should be noted that obedience to the husband is not exclusive to sexual intercourse; please refer to Fatwa 177077.

Thirdly, Muslim jurists held different opinions about whether the wife is obliged to carry out the household chores or not. The opinion we adopt in Islamweb is that it is the wife's duty to carry out household chores according to the common practice of the community she lives in (please refer to Fataawa 86406 and 86344). However, if the wife had used to have a domestic servant at her parents’ house, then the jurists stipulate that the husband has to provide a domestic servant for her.

It should be noted that couples should work together to carry out the household chores; the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to help his wives carry out household chores, as ‘Aa’ishah underlined. He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is our role model; Allaah The Exalted says (what means): {There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allaah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allaah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allaah often.} [Quran 33:21]

Fourthly, the wife is obliged to obey her husband in whatever is permissible pertaining to the marital relationship and what it entails. This has been underlined in Fatwa 133365.

Fifthly, in case the spouses differed regarding the permissibility of a matter, the criterion is the religious ruling on that matter supported by religious evidence. If the matter is open for Ijtihaad (personal reasoning and intellectual efforts by competent scholars who have adequate knowledge to investigate and weigh religious texts in a methodologically sound and coherent manner to arrive at religious rulings to new cases untackled by the Quran and Sunnah) and one of them adopted the opinion that it is permissible (as being the preponderant opinion), while the other spouse adopts the other view suggesting that it is impermissible, then the wife is not obliged to obey her husband in matters that he believes to be permissible, while she believes it is not.

Sixthly, it is incumbent on your wife to obey you with regard to moving back to your country and it is impermissible for her to refuse your request without a legitimate excuse.

Seventh, if the wife refrains from obeying her husband in matters regarding which she is obliged to obey him without a valid excuse, she is regarded recalcitrant and rebellious. We have previously underlined how to address the wife’s recalcitrance in Fatwa 85402.

Finally, we would like to draw the attention of the husband to the importance of dealing with his wife wisely. Women might be pleased with little nice gestures and it takes small unpleasant acts to trigger their anger as well. If you had done something unintentionally and it was misunderstood by your wife and caused her to be stubborn, you are advised to rectify the situation and set things right between you and her.

Allaah Knows best.