salam alaikom my problem is that i used to consult with my mother over problems i had with my husband, like him smoking when he was angry with me, him not wanting to stay in any job and always wanting to change jobs, so that i might take her advice. but lately, i got quite uneasy with the way she was talking about him. she's always saying things like, your husband has no personality, his mother has a great influence on him (he's an only child), you have to be firm with him, he's spoilt and doesnt want to work, you shouldn't help him financailly, and her advice is endless. i dont consult with her anymore, but she still gives me advice. so i dont listen to her, which makes her upset. also me and my husband like to stay with the sunnah, but in my country, they're not used to it, so whenever we do something in the sunnah, like shaving our baby's head, she tells me he's controlling me and i should have my own opinion, etc. im worried because i dont want her to be upset with me, but at the same time, i dont want her to be so involved with our lives. what should i do? is it wrong not to listen to her?

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.

Indeed you did well by being kind and dutiful to your mother and avoiding anything which may anger her, and by keeping a good marital relationship with your husband. There is no doubt that the status of the mother is great, and her children are obliged to be kind and dutiful to her, but this obedience is only in matters that are Islamically permissible. However, her order to you to be tough with your husband and not help him financially when he is in need, and the like, is not among what is permissible. Indeed, the scholars stated that children are not obliged to obey their parents in things that are of no benefit to them [the parents] and causes harm or difficulty to the children.

For more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 86982 and 83443.

Therefore, we advise you to be wise by keeping a good marital relationship with your husband and not severe ties of kinship with your mother, but first and foremost, you should seek the help of Allaah in doing so.

Finally, it should be noted that you should solve any problems that may arise with your husband in privacy and you should not inform your mother or anyone else about them unless it is a necessity. In such a case, you should seek the help of people who may solve the problem between you and your husband and avoid seeking the help of people who may worsen the situation. You should also advise your husband with good words and in a good manner if he is neglectful about his obligations towards you.

Allaah Knows best.