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Fatwa CenterAfraid to join her uncaring husband in another country
Question
I have been married for over 18yrs., have 4 children, 1 entering college, 2 in highschool and 1 a 6th . My husband and I have been having some difference...becuz of his harshness toward me, not considering my feelings in making major discisions which affect all of the family. I have followed my husbands will so far. Recently ..we moved with him, then the following yr. he left us behind in the West, and went to his job overseas. He is acting very cold toward us as a family,not calling, and creating a distance...I am thinking that he has found another person. therefore he is setting us toward this situation. he doesnt want to divorce me as he has left that for me ....to decide. I fear mistrust and injustice from him toward me. he has asked all of us to come join him overseas, should i leave or stay? Knowing that he is a different man towards me, he is now choosen to communicate with me through my children. if I go and find myself in a situation which I can't handle, how will I return with my kids or are the children old enough to be left with the responsiblity of their father as he is the provider. I am in a dilimma about my situation...his speech and communication is very harsh and it is a sign of disliking towards me...but since he doesn't want to be the one to divorce he will just make it so that I do it ....he knows that there is no reason to let me go therefore he has kept me. while he is very insecure therefore he has the need to get the 2nd one to help him maintain a level of easy in his mind. He is playing a game with me to just keep me for the service of the kids. I feel that I could do that by keeping them and remaining back and not joining him overseas to discover something that I just can't handle then I have to recollect myself as I can't afford to take the kids. I want to discuss the situation but he doesn't want to over the phone or email , I guess he wants us there before he discloses.
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His Slave and Messenger.
Marital life should be built on good companionship between the spouses. This helps create stability in the family, particularly if the spouses have children. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable.}[Quran 2:228] Therefore, if your husband deals with you in a harsh manner and disregards your feelings as you mentioned above, this is contradictory to the good companionship that Allaah The Almighty ordered the husband to have with his wife. So, we advise you to be patient, supplicate Allaah to rectify him and try to handle the matter with wisdom and without letting the children notice the dispute and disagreement between you two. For further information, see Fataawa 85308 and 86618.
On the other hand, the woman has to obey her husband in what is permissible as long as she is his wife. Thus, if he ordered you to live with him, you would have to obey him. The assumption that your husband has married another woman may be pure illusion. Even if we suppose that he has married another woman, still you have your own rights over him, and he has to treat both of his wives equally. If he mistreated or harmed you, you could file your case to an Islamic judge or whoever acts on his behalf to repel oppression and harm from you.
We would like to draw your attention to two points here:
1- If the spouses separated, the children after the age of seven would be given the choice to be in the custody of their mother or their father, and their expenses will be their father’s responsibility. Sons who reached the age of maturity will be responsible for themselves. If any of them chose to go with his mother, the father will not be permitted to prevent him; if he chose to go with his father, the mother will not be permitted to prevent him. However, the daughters’ custody is not canceled except by marriage or attaining her spinsterhood.
2- If the husband caused his wife harm to force her to ask for a Khul‘, it would not be permissible for him to take the compensation.
Allaah Knows best.
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